Saturday, September 15, 2012

Where Do I Go From Here?

So here is the second part of the post I was promising.  In this post I want to talk about family and commitment.  I had been married once before.  He is the father of my oldest children.  We could not make the marriage last.  We were both the oldest child in the family and wanted control in the marriage.  In dating again I was looking for a man who was willing to let me be in charge.  I found John.  He was the baby of his family and he seemed like he did not mind me being in charge.  I thought we were so compatible. We thought the same things at the same time and often said the same things at the same time.  When he was not with me I ached to be with him.  When he was with me my life was filled with fun and laughter. The inscription inside his wedding ring says, "You are my life, my love, my soulmate."  I meant every word it when we got married.  

We had problems in our marriage.  Don't get me wrong.  I found several instance where John had lied to me about things and I got very upset.  In the end I forgave him and we moved on.  As I said I thought things were good in our marriage (for the most part) for the first seven years.  I often felt so close to John that I could not stand to be away from him. After the birth of the babies all of that changed.

John used to tell me he loved me and would never leave.  I did not want to leave either.  I had made a commitment to be married and spend the rest of my life together with him and that was my plan.  After the children were born we fought a lot.  The stress of taking care of the children coupled with never having any money was taking a HUGE toll on us and the teen children.  The teen children left.  How could I blame them?  I wanted to leave and so did  We did not have that choice though.

We tried to stay together but things only worsened.  When we moved back to Vegas John began work with the school district he met a woman we will call Monica.  She is married and has 7 children.  The two of them quickly became friends.  John was out all the time and I was left home with the children.  I would ask him about his day and all I would hear about is Monica.  Monica this...Monica that...She is great...She has the best ideas.  What I saw was me losing my best friend to some woman named Monica.  I tried to say something but I was told there was nothing going on between them. That might have been true physically but she has essentially become the emotional wife and I was the wife who kept the children and cleaned the house.    

As much as it hurt me to lose my best friend.  The person who made me smile and laugh (crying now just thinking about it) I was willing to stay married and live in the same house together.  John did his best to make my life miserable.  He told me later that he was trying to make me leave.  I had been asking for both of us to go to marriage counseling but John said I would need to change first before he would consider that.  I said I did not understand.  The point of marriage counseling, I thought, was to try and work on things together so we can bring ourselves back together and then make changes together. 

As much as I have threatened to leave and even go as far as filing for divorce I did not want to leave.  I wanted John to change.  I wanted him to be happy again.  To be the fun person I remembered.  For us to be close again.  He changed all right.  He changed into a person who thinks he no longer needs me.  When I got married I wanted to live the rest of my life with him.  I was willing to make that happen.  The children need us!  Not just me.  Not just him. James in particular has me worried.  He is SO attached to John!  Right now John comes over a few nights a week from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.  He sees the children and then puts them to bed.  When he does not come James, being autistic and liking routine, gets REALLY upset!  He has been crying at me when I tell him that daddy is not coming tonight.  I have to comfort him as best I can.

Now that I am having to move and accept a job in Phoenix the kids will only get to see John twice a month.  Once a month John is planning to come to Phoenix and I once a month I will drive the children up to Las Vegas.  The drive is 5 to 5.5 hours each way.  That will be the ONLY time the children will get to see John.  The drive will be tough on Margaret because that is longer than she can really travel in a car per day.  It is also going to be SO tough on James.  I am going to try and get him into therapy as soon as I can.  Otherwise I worry he will not make the transition well.  James is SO dependent on routine that he waits and watches the clock everyday until three o'clock rolls around so he can call John.  He calls him all most right at three o'clock every day!  He get SO excited running around the house screaming, "I can call daddy now.  I have to call and text daddy!"

The children need us. I want to work things out and I feel as though John does not.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  We cannot even seem to talk to one another anymore.  He comes over.  I don't talk really and either does he.  He says I should be the one to initiate things.  In some ways I understand this but on my end I was to be with someone who wants me and that no longer seems to be the case. I think I have lost my soulmate.  For now I am stuck in limbo.

We are still married.  I will be moving to Phoenix with the children.  I have asked to do couples therapy with him to try and work out our issues but I am not sure how this is going to happen now.  I don't how the children and I are going to make it but we have to.  John has not volunteered to do anything to help.  He has not asked if I would like for him to take the children an extra day, pay for a storage room, help buy moving supplies, help me pack, or ANYTHING involved with the move.  I broke down and asked him to take the children for me next Saturday so I can get moving and packing done.  He asked when.  I said all day would be nice but what ever you can do.  He said he would take them from 9am to 6pm.  I was hoping he would keep them overnight but I will take what I can get. 

So far it is just me and the babies.  No friends have been able to help me pack or move.  No family.  No John.  With my hand still having a lot of pain with the carpel tunnel surgery I am in trouble.  Worse case scenario I am going to try and pack what I can and them call Goodwill to come and pick up the rest.  I have had friends tell me I am a good person and something will happen.  Someone will help.  We will be ok.  I tell them I am sure they are right but secretly, in my heart, I know bad things happen to good people all the time.  I may be no different.

Got to go and pack what I can...

As a friend on Facebook said,
Dear life,
I have only just read the terms and conditions AND the small print of our contract.
May I say, what a crafty little *!?@$^%!* you are!

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