Countdown to Homelessness: 3 Days

Photo Credit: collegeboxes.com

Sorry I have not updated what has been going on but I have been both tired and busy.  John took the children for the whole day yesterday and I was suppose to get U-Boxes (U-Haul's version of PODS) to store my stuff in and then I could move it once I knew where I am going.  I had to stand at the U-Haul place for about an hour and a half yesterday trying to get everything worked out.  It was a complete mess.  I was not able to get the boxes delivered.  So John keeping the kids yesterday was partially a mess because I could not pack like I wanted to.  I ran around though and went to a couple of doctor appointments and followed up on several things I had been working on.  I literally left the house at 10am, when John got the children, and did not return until 3:30pm when the landlady said she was coming by to talk to me about the house. I was SO busy.  I had an hour at the house before John dropped the children off.

Today I am hoping I will get stuff packed.  My parents collected money from the family (even extended relatives) to get me the U-Boxes so I can have somewhere to store my stuff that will be easy to ship when I know where I am going.  My parents were also able to find me a cheap ($150 per week) extended-stay hotel.  Being that cheap I can't imagine the place will be nice but at least is it somewhere to go!  I am taking two of the crib mattress.  This way two of the children will sleep on the crib mattresses in the floor while one of the children and myself will sleep in the bed.

For state and federal aid purposes we are still considered homeless. Being in a hotel is considered being homeless by the government but at least I will not be rolling into Phoenix with NO WHERE/NO PLAN on where I was staying..  It will be rough living in such cramped conditions with all of them.  I am not sure what I am going to do about getting a sitter.  What am I suppose to tell them?  Come to my hotel and watch the kids all days.  I know it is boring and cramped here but try not to kill any of the kids when they get on your nerves.  I don't know.  That will be another problem for another day.

I have to go to a doctor appointment for myself this morning.  We will go to that.  Once I am done we will leave and go pick up some helpers to pack.  I will have to miss a doctor's appointment for Joseph at 11am because the U-Boxes will be delivered between 10am and 11am.  I have to be here for the delivery plus I don't have the the time to drive 40 minutes across town to make the appointment, spend the time there and drive back.  This sucks too because it was an appointment with the pulmonologist.  I am NOT happy U-Haul is making me miss this appointment!

John will be by at 6:30pm tonight to pick up the children.  This is technically his weekend.  I am hoping everything will be packed by then.   Keeping my fingers crossed!  I will try and update what I can I would guess that more of my updates will be from my Kindle or phone so bare with me.  : )

Countdown to Homelessness: 5 Days

Today I finally got some good news.  My uncle Walt happens to be in Phoenix in tow weeks to visit some family members on his side of the family.  I have never met them.  Though he is not in good enough shape physically to help with the moving part it will be nice to have a friendly face in town. My uncle has never seen the children.  That will be fun.

My parents were also able to get some money together and will be able to help with paying for two weeks in an extended stay hotel. It will be something cheap but it will be a place.  I am suppose to start my new job on October 15th.  This is good in some ways because it is sooner than expected.  On the other hand it is bad because I will only have two weeks to make everything happen.  To get into town, scout out a place to live, find a sitter for the children, get the children enrolled into the services they need and take them to where ever else we may need to go.  Mostly I am worried about getting the three of them enrolled in services.  For three children that is a process that can take, easily, a month to set up working on it all most full-time.

Still, it is overall good news and I am just hanging in there.  Something of a plan is coming together.  Maybe this will work!

Has Hell Frozen Over Yet?

Photo Credit:  america-report.blogspot.com

I know my husband (he left at the beginning of July) has been reading my blog.  At least occasionally.  I know because of things he has said.  I am surprised!  He had not read what I wrote before.

John arrived at my house this evening.  James was SO excited!  As I was getting ready to leave I asked John if he could take off from school on Friday so I could go and see my regular doctor to get refills on all my maintenance medications before I left town.  Plus I was hoping he would take the children early so I could see about trying to get a moving van and get the house packed and moved.  John said he would not be able to get Friday off.  It was a high demand day for subs (what difference this makes I have NO idea) and that progress reports had to go out.  He did not want to leave that duty to a substitute.  I kinda understand that one but on the other hand it is not every day that your wife and children are leaving for another state.

John said the best he could do was Thursday.  He said he could take half a day off on Thursday.  I asked if the whole day was possible but he said no.  So I asked if he could show up early (instead of 6pm) when he picks the children up on Friday.  John said why was I asking for things at the last minute.  That he has plans.  Why didn't I ask earlier?  First off, let me think for a moment, I may be a bit scatter brained lately because of all the stress I am under.  It could be because I have been busy making calls and trying to get information together to take to Arizona. Set up doctor appointments (here and there).  Get the children and I to our needed appointments over the last three weeks.  Make calls to try and keep us from being homeless in Arizona.  Writing in a blog asking for help from strangers because my husband, and father of the children, is not helping in any way with the move.  I am sorry but I have been a bit busy!

It had dawned on me last night that I would need somewhere to stay Sunday night.  I asked John tonight if I could stay at his place on Sunday with the children.  His first response was no.  He said he was not comfortable with it. What???  I was stunned.  I took a moment to get myself composed and said I am the mother of your children, your wife of all most 13 years and you cannot let me spend one night at your place since I have no where else to go???   He sat there and was thinking.  After a bit I told him never mind.  If it is going to be that hard of a decision then don't worry about it.  He said he should be able to think about my request since it was another last minute item I am bringing up to him.

Then he said something along the lines of why would I have thought he would just say yes.  Well, it could have to do with I would have said yes so I NEVER thought he would have said no or had to think about it. I walked out of the house.  I stood outside the door for a moment and then realized I had forgotten a post-it note I wanted.  I went back inside.  John said he was ok with me staying there.  I told him, again, not to worry about it.  He said he was not going to get in a fight with me.  He would leave before it came to that.  I said, "You are not leaving.  You are going to spend time with your children. I am leaving."  I walked back out the door.  As I am getting in my car he comes outside and says, "I would like you to stay.  It will be the last time I get to see the children."  Notice there was no mention of me.

I left.  I was heartbroken.  John has been so cool to me lately.  James telling me about some woman named Shawn.  His refusal for me to come to his place, the fact he smelled SO strong of cologne (I did NOT get) tonight the smell lingered in my house and he was texting makes me think he has some other woman in his life.  This hurts me.  I have asked him to get couples therapy with me.  I wanted to try and keep our family together but I am not getting that same feeling from him.  I can't be the only person trying to fix what is broken.

I called and talked to my mother.  Normally I call and talk to my friend Krissi but she has been busy with her own family drama so I have been bothering my mother.  She forwarded me a text tonight after I had left the house.  It was from John.  I did not know she had been texting him.  It said:

Cathy, I have helped Michelle with anything she has ASKED me to do.  If she does not ask, I will not do it.  Please do not respond to this message, and please do not contact me again. Thank you.

At least he was polite.  John and my mother have a very strong dislike for each other.  The part of this message that bothers me the most is John saying he has helped me do anything I have ASKED him to do.  That is NOT true.  Plus, wouldn't a TRUE man volunteer to help?  I had told him in the beginning I was not sure how I was going to make this happen.  I was worried.  John did not help.  He told me, "Don't worry. You will get everything figured out.  Wasn't it you who said where there's a will there's a way?  If you really want this job you will make it work."   I did say where there is a will there is a way.  The problem is that the way can sometimes get REALLY ugly!  If it was just me that would be one thing.  I could ride it out.  It is NOT just me though.  There are THREE disabled four year olds that have to come with me.  I have no problem suffering for my mistakes or judgments in life.  On the other hand I don't wish for my children to share my punishment.

As I said too, if John was a TRUE man wouldn't he have volunteered to help?  He was the one who left the house and left us financially stranded with no warning.  At least my first ex-husband did not do that.  I was seething with hate being cooped up in an apartment with him for four months but at least there was an exit plan when we BOTH left.  If John was really happy that I got this job in Phoenix wouldn't you think he would be excited for me/us?  He would be over and asking what he could do to help?  That the move would benefit ALL of us (financially).  Instead of being cheerful and helpful I have to ask, no beg, for help.  Even when I ask for the help it is not what I want.

After talking to my mother and telling her about John telling me I cannot come over to stay at his place Sunday night, and though he changed his mind, my mother was as surprised as I was.  She said for me not to worry and I could get a hotel room.  She said her and my dad would pay for it.  I am thankful.  After finding out his attitude I don't want to ask for anything. Part of it is pride but part of it is because I don't get what I am really needing.

I wanted to be there for John.  I wanted to love and be with him but how does he expect me to do that when this is how I am being treated?  Worse yet, this is how he is treating his children?  I am not sure what the future will bring.  I am not sure how I am going to make things happen but somehow I will work it out.  I will ask EVERY stranger I can find for help if I have to. I will do this without John.

If I have to ask John it may well be a cold day in hell before that happens.

Countdown to Homelessness: 6 Days

Today I had some help come over.  I realized that I have done pretty good in packing.  There was not a lot to pack.  I was able to get some stuff packed and boxes moved.  That was VERY helpful!  I need  a storage room now.  I think I will be able to get a storage room tomorrow.  If not then, Thursday.  That will be cutting it close since I really wanted the house cleaned out by Friday.

Still don't have a plan and I am going to have to find a place to stay when I get to Phoenix.  I have no idea what I am doing.   At least I can laugh about it today...lol.

Countdown to Homelessness: 8 Days

Photo Credit: minimalisthome.com

I had grand ambitions to have a garage sale today but I just can't get it together.  I don't have a lot of places to display the things  want to sell and I need to get the things that have been packed out of my way.  I was hoping to get some money to rent a storage room.  It looks like I will not be able to take much with me so every thing else has to be stored.  I will be taking the crib mattresses of Margaret and Joseph's beds.  Our clothes. Some kitchen and food stuff.  That will be it.  Everything else has to make it to storage, be sold, given away or thrown in the trash.

I spoke to my mother again last night.  I like talking to people when I am having anxious fits. LOL   She said she and others have thought about it and "they" think I should come back to Alabama.  I reminded her we have had this conversation before.  If I went back I cannot make it.  She said I could with her help.  I told her, "Why would I want to give up a job that I have worked for professionally?  A job that would allow us to support ourselves or be close to it along with State benefits? Plus, it would be a slap in the face to the 235 people I beat out for this job position.  I AM TAKING THIS JOB!"  She kinda chuckled at that point and said, "That's true.  You were offered the job over 200 people."  Maybe she got my point this time...lol.  This job is basically everything I have worked for and wanted professionally.  I am only sad because everything is happening a year sooner than I wanted.  I am mostly worried about Joseph.  I don't want to put his health at risk but other than that I am happy for us all.  I just have to figure out HOW I am going to make the transition happen!

Photo Credit: nvenergy.com

The electric company, I am afraid, will have to wait for their payment.  I have pretty much been convinced NOT to pay them.  This means the power will be shut off in the house on Friday.  I checked with John to make sure he was taking the kids this weekend.  It is suppose to be his weekend.  When I spoke to him he said he was not sure what I was doing.  I said I would be in town and taking care of the house.  That I did not have enough money to leave town until the first.

Me: I wanted to make sure you were taking them on Friday because the electricity is going to be shut off John: What are you doing about the water, gas and cable that are still in my name?
Me: Call and have them turned off on the First.  Then take the money out of the child support like you have been doing.
John: Okay.  That will take away some of your money to move.  I could skip paying them for a month and take the money out in November.  At least you should have a paycheck by then.
Me: Okay.

What else was I going to say?  You could cover the $250 worth of expenses since you did not help with any of the moving expenses?  I could but then again I did not want to pick a fight.  I would imagine I will be hurting for money just as bad in November since I will be trying to catch up with expenses and pay child care.  At least this is a problem that will move to November and I can worry about it then.

One day at a time.  It is ALL I can handle right now....one day at a time...

 

Countdown to Homelessness: 9 Days

Photo Credit: pective.com

Who needs a daytime soap opera when you can just read about my life?  Isn't my life at least as interesting as a soap opera?  The only difference is my life is oh SO very real!   There is no one to say, "Cut!  Time for an edit. Let's get the writers together and redo this script!"  It would be nice if that were true.  Or better yet the Easy button from Staples.  If that thing really worked I would get my hands on one now!  LOL    After having my mini-meltdown yesterday I am better.  How could I not be when James is worried about me?

James saw me crying this morning.  Our conversation went something like this...

James: Why are you sad mommy?
Me:  I was just reading something on the computer James and it made me sad.  It's ok. (I lied but the truth is too complex to explain and it is not something for him to worry about.)
James: Don't be sad.  It will be better tomorrow.  (Don't know where he got that from!)
Me: It will be, won't it James!
James: Yes. I'm gonna give you a BIG hug.  I just love you everyday.  (That all most made me cry again...lol)

James can be a terror but he does have such a sweet side to him.  It's amazing!

I got myself together and stopped by the welfare office.  I was not kicked out but that was because I was not there long.  I was told I had to fill out the application form.  It is 20 pages or so.  I had to bring back some proof that John was no longer in the house with me (since we are still legally married), everyone's birth certificates and social security cards, my bank statement, proof of SSI benefits, title to my car and I can't even remember what else.  I got a list...lol.  I knew I would not get any help from them soon for my electric.  My electric was going to get shut off Monday.

I called the electric company.  I spoke to a lady there and she said I had to pay the past due balance of $407.00 by Monday or it was going to get shut off.  I told her I only had $70 to my name.  The soonest I would have any money is the 25th.  She said she could give me until the 28th to pay but I would have to pay half the total balance.  So by the 28th I have to pay about $360.00.  At most I will get $700 from John so that will take at least half of my money until the first of the month.  Then I will get the social security disability for the children and I will have $625 to get to Phoenix, have food, gas and a place to live until the 10th.  I need about $200 for food and diapers, $100 at least for gas so that leaves me $300 for a place to live. Impossible, no, but VERY difficult!  This does not take into account moving or storing any of our stuff.

Photo Credit: OneYearBibleBlog.com

The lady at the electric company said I should call 211 (the state number for referring to community services).  I called the 211 number and told the operator that I needed help with energy assistance.  The operator was straight up and said, "I am sorry but the community partners we refer people to are out of money.  You can call back next month and see if any of them will have any money then."  I am feeling like my life is the Story of Job.  I very much feel like this verse on the right.  I will complain because I have lost all hope.  What else beside complaining do I have?

I still have not heard back from the lady at the regional center here.  I am glad she is so concerned about me and my family.  The days are counting down.  There still is no plan.  My life rather sucks at the moment.

Countdown to Homelessness: 10 days

I have been writing this blog and detailing my experiences.  I have a badge on the right of the screen where I have been trying to raise money to keep the children and I from being homeless but so far I have only been able to raise $55.00.  Thank you to those that have contributed!  I had over 3,800 page views in the last month.  If everyone had contributed just $10 I am sure I would have reached my fundraising goal by now or close to it.  Please contribute if you can!

I was recently reading a post from a Facebook friend about how she has felt "let down" by her friends.  That she had been sick and in the hospital for all most two weeks and during that time only one friend called to check on her.  That was it.  When I read her post I was sad but I understood her feelings.

Here I am, a well educated woman, with three disabled children and I am about to find myself homeless.  I am fortunate in that my homeless situation should not last forever because I have been offered a job but that does not make the experience any less frightening or anxious.  Today I have been feeling so anxious that I feel nauseous. 

I have a few friends in town that know the situation I am in and none of them have offered to help (they are older though so I am not sure how much they could physically do).  The part that bothers me most though is hearing them say, "Don't worry Michelle.  You are a good person and things will turn out okay."  I am sorry but I missed where that happens in real life.  If anything I commonly see good people suffer all sorts of horrible things.  I think that is why I like talking to my friend Krissi lately.  She knows where I am.  She has been though it herself.  The only fortunate thing for her is that she never got as far as losing her house but it was close.  When I speak to her she offers me no false hope.  It is refreshingly nice.  

When I spoke to my mother tonight I was told God will help to make it happen and don't give up because somehow the money will appear.  Really?  So far the answer is, "No, it's not."  I have tried calling my oldest son, who is currently unemployed, to help me but his fiance is pregnant.  She will not let him leave her to come and help me.  Another possibility is my uncle.  He is an alcoholic and drug addict but is currently on the straight and narrow.  Should I risk my children being with him?  I don't want to and I am not sure he would even come anyways.  Random strangers answering an ad?  Even scarier thought but what choice do I have?

That is me up above.  I am a woman defeated.  You see me with tears in my eyes, dirty from sweating all day packing and tired.  I don't know how to stop the train wreck that is my life at the moment.  I have to be out of my current house at the end of the month.  I am facing having my electricity shut off on Monday.  I am hoping I can convince the electric company to leave it on for a bit.  At this point I owe them $700 for two months electric and a deposit.  I am sure I will have to pay them but that will cut into the money I need to move and survive for next month.  All I have done this evening is cry.  When I got back John did not offer to do anything to help me get to the welfare office.  I am on my own.  You have NO idea what the welfare office is like here.  People never bring little children in because they will kick you out.  It is the craziest thing I have ever seen but that is what happens.  The respite provider I have been using has taken a full-time job so she cannot help me.  She gave me the names of two other women but one said she would not watch my three children alone.  She said they were too much for her.  The other lady would not answer.  

I have reached out to the local regional center and this is the email exchange...

Hi Michelle,

I am doing quarterly updates on the kids. Could you please tell me how each kid is doing in terms of health, school, and additional services (speech, physical therapy, and Occupational therapy).

Also in order to receive respite for the next quarter, I need to know the name of the provider that you have been working with and whether or not respite has been helpful.

Thanks so much for your time

This will be pretty easy. SO far the children have, overall, been healthy. We had several trips to the dentist but so far things haven been good.

I have not signed the children up for school services for this year.

The kids had been going to private therapy. Margaret had been going to occupational therapy and Joseph has been in physical therapy. A month ago Joseph started to walk. His walking is very unsteady and wide legged but he is making it.

My husband left us in July. The children and I have been trying to make it but we are going to be homeless at the end of the month. I am not sure what we are going to do so therapy has stopped for now.

Respite has pretty much been a no go. I cannot find someone to come to my house to watch the children. The lady I had been using has found a job so she can only watch the children on Saturdays. That is not when I need someone. The other numbers I have called and no one seems to answer, want to watch so many children, or in town any longer.

That should catch you up.

Thanks,
Michelle

Thank you so much for the update. I am very sorry for your current housing dilemma. I can send you a list of community resources that may be of some assistance. Quarterly respite is due and I need to know if you would like me to take the kids off the list. If you do not anticipate using the respite voucher, then I will have to take them off the regular list so that children on the waitlist can use the respite. Please let me know ASAP so I can notify the respite coordinator. Sincerely.

The list of community housing resources would be useful. Please send that information. I want to use the rest of the respite voucher for this month. So please send the most recent list of respite providers. As for next month take us off the respite list.

I have not completely decided yet but we may move to Arizona at the end of the month.

Thanks,
Michelle

I know, I know. I lied to her (only about leaving for AZ) at the end but it is only because I want to see what she would do. So far I have not heard back from her and I sent her my response yesterday. Notice she did not say she would HELP me find a place.  Our regional center is basically useless.   : (  

Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow but I guess I will start off with calling the electric company and seeing what I can do.  The countdown to homelessness has begun...

PS.  To add insult to injury today I just realized that the little outfit the nurses sent home to me that Martha wore is NOT right.  She did not wear those clothes.  I realized it today when I came across the box with the outfit in it.  When I found the picture the NICU nurses took that day of Martha I knew as soon as I saw the romper again that was NOT what she wore.  I never had her little clothes.  :' (   

Angry Mom

Photo Credit:  sheknows.com

Angry mom helps to describe me in so many ways right now.  The first way I am angry is at UCLA.  I still had not heard anything from them so I thought I would try calling again.  After waiting on hold for 20 minutes I finally got through to speak to a human.  I asked to make an appointment and I was told to hold again while I am transferred.  Someone picked up soon after and said they could set the appointment for the muscle biopsy.  Finally I thought!  I was going to make the appointment.  The woman said the doctor only does the muscle biopsies on Mondays and Wednesdays.  She asked which day I wanted and I said I was not sure.  I asked when is the first available appointment.  The first available appointment was October 26th!  Not only is this after I have to leave Nevada but it is right after or close to when I am suppose to start my new job.  Aaaaggggg!  So now I am not sure what to do.  I need to get the muscle biopsy done for Joseph.  I have been working on this really since LAST year and this year I have been trying to get an appointment since the beginning of August I think. Now that I am going to Phoenix and I asked the geneticist, who is wanting the muscle biopsy, if she knew of anyone who can do the procedure there.

The next thing that got me angry today is the Nevada DMV website.  I got a call from my new job in Phoenix.  I have been asking them for a job offer letter for the last three weeks.  I was told they could get a letter together for me but not until they can get my driving record.  I did not get this call until 3:30pm.  I looked online and you can order your driver's record from there.  I thought, great, and I got everything together to place the order.  When I put ALL the information into the computer I hit the process order button and I got sorry but our systems are down.  Aaaaaggggg!!!  I was told I cannot get my job offer letter until I get my driving record to them so something else to hang me up.

Finally I have noticed I have a lot less patience with the children right now.   I have turned into an angry mommy with the children.  I don't want to be like that to them.  I really don't want to be like that when I have so little time left to be with them before I have to be gone all the time too.  James cried to me several times today because John did not come by tonight or yesterday.  I am worried about him feeling abandoned when John will be gone and then I will be gone too.  James is all ready asking me to come to my room and lay down my bed next to me.  He snuggles close and I let him play the Kindle.  It makes him happy and I enjoy the time with him but this is something he has never done before.

I know my anger is related to me being stressed, depressed and anxious. Why shouldn't I be?  I have about 10 days to be out of my home.  I am not fully packed.  I have no help in getting packed.  I have no place to put my stuff even if it was packed.  I am not sure what I will be able to take with me.  I have no idea where we are going and I am worried we will be homeless.  I don't know who will be watching my children, how I am going to be able to pay for it and how/when I am going to be able to start my new job.   There are just so many things in the air. I may need to see a doctor for something to help me control the stress and anger.  This is a lot to be going through!

News Bits

Photo Credit:  realfoodforager.com

Autism may be an autoimmune problem.  In an Opinion piece from the New York Times titled An Immune Disorder at the Root of Autism.  Moises Velasquez-Manoff believes that 1/3 (or more) of cases of autism look like a type of inflammatory disease.  She believes it starts in the womb. In a Denmark study woman who were hospitalized for a viral infection during the first trimester tripled their odds of having a child with autism. A bacterial infection during the second semester increases the changes by 40 percent.  It is not viral or bacterial infections causing the problem but the inflammatory response of the mother's body. Autoimmune disorders also increase the risk.  Mothers with rheumatiod arthritis have an 80 percent chance of having a child with autism and women with celiac disease increase their risk by 350 percent!  The rise in inflammatory and autoimmune diseases is the reason Velasquez-Manoff believes there has been a rise in autism over the last 60 years.  What I found interesting is the cause for the rise of autoimmune and inflammatory disorders Velasquez-Manoff proposes.  What an interesting article!
________________________________________________________________________

An article published yesterday in Molecular Psychiatry titled Predicting the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder using gene pathway analysis has gotten some people really excited.  The researchers claim to have found a genetic test that can accurately predict the likelihood of a person having autism spectrum disorder (ASD) 71 percent of the time in Central European subjects.  The test involves the use of 237 single -nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs)  in 146 genes.  The test is less accurate with other ethnic groups but over time the researchers are hoping to improve the accuracy.  A reader friendly version of the article can be found HERE.
________________________________________________________________________

Amy Becker recently published an article titled We Didn't Run Away.  At first when I started to read the article I was dismayed.  I was upset because when she found out she was having a child with Down's Syndrome she was devastated.  I know it is all about perspective.  I understand the shock of having a child and realizing that the child you were dreaming about is never going to happen.  It is a hard pill to swallow at first. There are worse things that could happen though.  She could have lost her child like I did my dear Martha.  No, I do not wish that to happen to anyone.  The pain and guilt is devastating!  It is only an example on how things could have been worse. Another thing is to have a child that is low functioning (severe intellectual and developmental delay) .

While waiting at the neurologist's office one day I saw a fully grown man wheeled in by his elderly parents.  The parent's spent time trying to talk to their son but he was rather unresponsive except for the few grunts he made.  While sitting there I saw them wipe drool off his chin several times.  It made me realize that things could be worse.  That Joseph, the "sickest" of my children, could be MUCH worse off than he is and I was very grateful for the child I had.  

I was talking to a friend recently.  He knows about my troubles and that I am potentially facing homelessness with my children.  He asked how I am doing.  I told him fine under the circumstances.  He said, "Things can't get much worse can they?"  I said, "In my experience things can ALWAYS get worse.  I never say it can't get any worse because it will.  I have been lucky because so far I am still alive. If I die then things would definitely be worse!"  LOL   To me death is the ultimate worse thing to happen to someone!  If I am still breathing then I can make it though to the other side of what ever I am struggling with and things will be better.  The same is true for special needs children.  You never say it's a bad thing to be the parent of a special needs child.  You spend a moment to mourn the loss of your dream child and then celebrate the child and life you have been given.  As the sign says, "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it!" My children are a blessing to me because I have learned a lot from them!  At the end of Becker's story she found this to be true too.
_________________________________________________________________________

There are a couple of there things I found interesting today but I will save them for tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed the news bits!

On the way to homelessness?

I have been having fun tonight listening to the wind howl.  A storm is moving into Vegas tonight and with it the wind speed picks up.  There are gusts out there at LEAST 50 mph!  The wind chime is going crazy outside!  Careful, wind chime noise in video is LOUD!

John got paid so he gave me $700 to pay bills.  This is more than he has to give me so that is nice.  I have the following bills to take care of:

Photo Credit: thesite.org

• $400 electric
• $100 credit card (I had all ready missed one payment)
• $85 credit card (same with this one)
• $40 health club membership (haven't even been going at all since we split up)
• $50 cellphone (only phone I have)
• $100 gas (will last my 15 passenger van about 2 weeks if I don't really go out much)
• $100 food (that is two weeks worth for 4 people (me and the kids)
• Other bills that may come up are water, gas, internet. 

I know, I have WAY exceeded the allowance I was given so what do I do?  I cannot continue to eat Ramen and popcorn for dinner.  WAY too much salt for me and not good for you in general.  Got to do food and gas.  So that is $200.  Got to pay at LEAST $200 to electric.  So that is $400.  Got to pay for phone!  MUST have a phone so that is another $50.  So that pays out $450 leaving me $250.  About to forget.  Got to get a case of diapers for Margaret and Joseph.  That is $40.  Plus I have two doctor appointments I need to go to.  That is $40.  So we are at $530.  Need a $70 copay to take Joseph to the pulmonologist.  I have the extra high co-pay because I had to miss the appointment last time because John forgot to give me the money before he left for work that day.  That makes $600.  There is an IEP meeting scheduled for Joseph and it would cost $100 for the advocate to be there.  I do NOT have the money for all of this!  I am not sure what I am going to do!  I think I will have to cancel the IEP and try to do one in Arizona when we get there.  I will have to see if I can find an advocate and how much they would cost.  I cannot be trusted to attend one of those meetings alone.  I am just too emotional and hot-headed.  I wind up saying things that I occasionally regret.  So I could easily spend all the money and still not even pay a lot of the bills I know about. Sigh!  This is why I am SO upside down on everything.  : (   

Photo Credit:  http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com    
Is this going to be us at the end of September?

I am in trouble!  Never, growing up in a middle class family, did I ever think my life would wind up like this.  I have been losing so much hair lately.  I am certain it is from stress.  What I am NOT stressed out about lately???  Moving?  How is it going to happen?  How am I going to afford to move my things?  What about getting a storage room for a bit (more money I forgot to add to my list of needs)?   How am I going to get my stuff to Arizona since I am the only adult driver and I cannot tow my van?  If I take my stuff where am I going to put it? What about money for gas to even drive there?  Am I going to truly wind up homeless?  If so where am I and the children going to go?  Can we live out of the van?  What about getting services for the children?  What about food?  What about child care?  I will not have money to pay anyone really until two weeks AFTER they have been watching my children. Since Joseph is medically fragile he cannot be in a daycare or school setting. So where does this leave me???  Plus James and Margaret cannot go to school because they would get sick and bring it home to Joseph.  This is why I have been home with them for the last several years.  This is by far the most balls-to-the-wall sort of thing I have ever done!  I have to make it to Arizona to take this job!.  If I have ANY hope of making my little family self-sufficient then I need, MUST HAVE, this job!  

The children have been driving me crazy because they are getting into everything.  I can't blame them really.  I have stuff pulled out all over the place.  They are fascinated by it.  Why shouldn't they be? James and Margaret were getting into all kinds of stuff, broke a couple of things and were not listening.  In the end I yelled at them and then broke down crying.  I cried in front of my children and the poor kids did not know how to handle it.  James was trying to be nice at that point and he gave me a hug and said he would not make a mess again.  That was SO sweet!  I shouldn't be crying in front of them.  It was just too much today. I am so worried.  When I talked to John about it he said not to worry that I would be able to figure something out.  Often, I would agree with him.  On the other hand I am getting really worried. 

I am still trying to pack things but it is hard with the children here and no one here to help me distract them.  After that my hand is the next big hurdle.  I have come to the conclusion it will never be right. The only good news from the carpal tunnel surgery is that my hand no longer falls asleep when I use it.  It hurts instead (sometimes very painfully) but in some ways that is better because I still have some kind of feeling in my hand.  Just makes packing difficult because I have a hard time moving boxes.  

I was having fun reminiscing over some old video clips of the children.  This is video of the kiddos when they were two.  Joseph is having fun and getting so tickled with what he is doing. He has SUCH a great laugh in this video!  You can also see James count (and sign) and Margaret sing her A, B, Cs .

Medial Frustration and Life in Transition

For the past 6 months I have fought with my insurance company to get a medical authorization to get Joseph a fresh muscle biopsy done to test for mitochondrial disease.  Once I FINALLY got the medical insurance to approve the biopsy I have spent the last month trying to get the doctor's office to call me to set up an appointment.  In the last month I have called them AT LEAST 10 times and I have gotten only 3 calls back.  Today was the FIRST time someone called me AND I was able to get the phone.  Keep in mind I have left two messages a day for the last three days.  I even called the insurance case manager to complain that my calls were not being returned.

When I got to speak from someone in the neurology department at UCLA I was told they did not have my son's records.  YOU'VE GOT TO BE FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!  So the guys goes on the explain I need to talk to the registration department.  I said, "why was that not in the message so I could check up on things instead of losing time?"  His response, "I don't know but I could put in a request to get the message changed to add that information."  UGH!!!  SHOOT ME!!!

So if you do not have a patient ID with the UCLA then do yourself a favor and contact the registration department (phone - 800-825-2631, fax - 310-301-5391) since they are in charge of everything anyways.  So I had to called Joseph's referring doctor again, the geneticist, and asking her office to fax over the information again.  A week ago she had faxed it over while I was on the phone and now here I was asking her to fax over the information again.  I explained how I had been trying to make this appointment for the last month and I was getting frustrated over the bureaucracy of the UCLA system.  The nurse at the geneticist's office was kind and she said she would fax it over and then call to make sure UCLA registration had what they needed.  I told her that was VERY nice and THANK YOU!

I was able to make a few calls to Arizona today.  I was able to talk to an advocacy group for disabled children.  I was able to get some good information and I am sure I will get some more.  I found out about a great homeless shelter program called UMOM.  I may have to take advantage of one of their programs until I can get my first paycheck from my new job.  Otherwise I will only have $1700 to $2100 to support all of us for the month.  Plus, once I start my job I will not get any pay right away.  The first paycheck will be at least two weeks after I start and I have to find someone to watch the children for me and I will have to pay them in advance (at least partially).  Just need to determine how I am going to pay to for everything.  By taking advantage of one of UMOM's programs for a bit it will help me to get us on our feet.

On a possible positive note I remembered that Good Night Pediatrics is located out of Phoenix.  Yea!!!  I cannot recommend the office in Henderson, NV enough.  They are GREAT and MUCH faster than an emergency room.  With the office hours from 5pm to 5am I can take care of emergencies during the night with ease.  That is a HUGE relief to me since Joseph has a TERRIBLE tendency to have some sort of respiratory emergency on the weekend or during the night.

I have a lot of friends on Facebook and they are some super great people with super great information that I like to share on my blog.  One post was taking about Gluten Sensitivity and Magnesium Deficiency by Dr. Osborne.  It is a great article explaining how this can occur.   Someone also found an idea off of Pinterest that is a great idea to get yogurt into children.  You can make your own yogurt dots. 

The Fall of Michelle

I was sitting at Dim Sum earlier today feeling bad for myself. I like Dim Sum but it is truly a social event. There were tables and tables of people sitting around me but I was sitting alone. I felt a profound loneliness. I miss my older children SO much. I have missed my little children since they have been gone after the surgery on my hand. I miss having adult company and more importantly friends. I don't know why I have such a problem finding friends. When I find a friend my friends typically stay a friend of mine for a LONG time. I just wish I could find more friends.

I decided to treat myself to Dim Sum today to have a bit of time to think about my life. It was about 7 years ago that I was happily married (at least I thought I was) and that year I worked professionally and so did my husband. We made close to $90,000 that year. It was a good year. Then we had the babies. I had to leave my federal government job in 2007. I got a few job offers in 2008 but with the traumatic birth of the children, the life-and-death status of Joseph and the lack of sleep there was NO way I was going to be able to go back to work. John was unemployed too. He was finally able to get a job in Alabama but not as a teacher due to credential problems.

When job was offered a job back in Nevada we went back to Las Vegas. I regret ever leaving but that is done now. After getting back to Las Vegas I have been applying for jobs over and over again but I have not had ANY job offers. Before 2007 I would be able to send out my resume to 5 companies and I would have at least 2 jobs offers. In the last two years alone I have applied to HUNDREDS of jobs and I have received only FIVE calls for interviews! The last interview was for a job in Phoenix and so far no hiring decisions have been made. I am keeping my fingers crossed because I SERIOUSLY need a job.

John may have made a move to patch up things in out marriage we are still in a VERY strained position. John has his own place so is not helping to maintain my place any longer. Rent for July was not paid (this is the month he left and we were fighting) and the money I got from SSI was 1/2 of what I had been getting since John had his biggest paychecks right before he left and there is a 2 month lag for when you get paid from SSI. I am not sure how much money I will get our of SSI after John gives me my allotment of basically child support. Hopefully he will give me the money but he may not. In the meantime I have told my landlady I will leave by mid-September. I could stay and make he evict me but she is a SUPER nice lady and I do not want to treat her that way.

John has not offered to let me stay with him. I have NO idea what I will do if I lose my house. Essentially I will be homeless. At Dim Sum I was disheartened by the fact that in 7 relatively short years I went from a home making about $90K a year to all most being homeless. Having the children has financially ruined my life but I LOVE them and they are one of the only joys in my life at the moment. I just have to figure out how to bounce back from the loss of my jewelry (my only asset besides my car)and find a job. I may have fallen but I will rise again. I am too much of a fighter to give up!