I was sitting at Dim Sum earlier today feeling bad for myself. I like Dim Sum but it is truly a social event. There were tables and tables of people sitting around me but I was sitting alone. I felt a profound loneliness. I miss my older children SO much. I have missed my little children since they have been gone after the surgery on my hand. I miss having adult company and more importantly friends. I don't know why I have such a problem finding friends. When I find a friend my friends typically stay a friend of mine for a LONG time. I just wish I could find more friends.
I decided to treat myself to Dim Sum today to have a bit of time to think about my life. It was about 7 years ago that I was happily married (at least I thought I was) and that year I worked professionally and so did my husband. We made close to $90,000 that year. It was a good year. Then we had the babies. I had to leave my federal government job in 2007. I got a few job offers in 2008 but with the traumatic birth of the children, the life-and-death status of Joseph and the lack of sleep there was NO way I was going to be able to go back to work. John was unemployed too. He was finally able to get a job in Alabama but not as a teacher due to credential problems.
When job was offered a job back in Nevada we went back to Las Vegas. I regret ever leaving but that is done now. After getting back to Las Vegas I have been applying for jobs over and over again but I have not had ANY job offers. Before 2007 I would be able to send out my resume to 5 companies and I would have at least 2 jobs offers. In the last two years alone I have applied to HUNDREDS of jobs and I have received only FIVE calls for interviews! The last interview was for a job in Phoenix and so far no hiring decisions have been made. I am keeping my fingers crossed because I SERIOUSLY need a job.
John may have made a move to patch up things in out marriage we are still in a VERY strained position. John has his own place so is not helping to maintain my place any longer. Rent for July was not paid (this is the month he left and we were fighting) and the money I got from SSI was 1/2 of what I had been getting since John had his biggest paychecks right before he left and there is a 2 month lag for when you get paid from SSI. I am not sure how much money I will get our of SSI after John gives me my allotment of basically child support. Hopefully he will give me the money but he may not. In the meantime I have told my landlady I will leave by mid-September. I could stay and make he evict me but she is a SUPER nice lady and I do not want to treat her that way.
John has not offered to let me stay with him. I have NO idea what I will do if I lose my house. Essentially I will be homeless. At Dim Sum I was disheartened by the fact that in 7 relatively short years I went from a home making about $90K a year to all most being homeless. Having the children has financially ruined my life but I LOVE them and they are one of the only joys in my life at the moment. I just have to figure out how to bounce back from the loss of my jewelry (my only asset besides my car)and find a job. I may have fallen but I will rise again. I am too much of a fighter to give up!