Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Living in Flux and Eating Bon Bons

At the moment I think it would take me less time to tell you, my reader, the few things that are the same in my life but I am going to try and cover as many as I can in the post.  First is my living arrangement.  My husband, since he has dropped the divorce, is still out of the house the kids and I live in.  With the money I am getting from John along with the what little money I am getting from SSI I am not able to cover all my bills.  So I have been applying for jobs all over the country.  The way things are looking are: 1) move back in with John (which he does not want and really, neither do I)  (2) become homeless (not literally but I would be stuck in a cheap hotel) or (3) find a job.

For me getting a job would be great because I would LOVE to have a job and make my own money. This is especially true if I am able to land a job that is related to what I have been slaving over graduate school for the last two years. On that note, I have had two interviews.  One for the State and another for the Federal government.  I would LOVE to have either job!  They are both in my field and are RIGHT in line with the master's degree I have been working towards for the last two years.  I am hoping to hear something soon.

In the meantime I am trying to hang on to my house in Vegas.  Moving the children is hard on them.  I would like to just move once, for my job, than move several times.  On that note though I had an interesting development on Monday.  John had dropped off the children on Sunday and talked about how much they had loved attending church and what a great time everyone had.  I was happy for them all but I told John that  he could not take the children to church (an in return Sunday class) after school started.  He just looked at me.  I said he could not do that because of the risk of exposure to Joseph for respiratory diseases.  Then he said that I was asking him to give up church.  I said I was not.  I was just asking him not to go to church every other Sunday morning when he had the children.  Otherwise he was free to go to church as much as he liked.  He could go Sunday night, Wednesday night, Tuesday night for his group stuff and every other Sunday morning.  He was upset with me but I thought that was going to be the end of the story.

On Monday evening he comes by to see the children and to put them to bed.  When he comes in he says he has some good news.  I am think that sounds promising.  Then he says, "Well, I think it is good news but I am not sure you will think so."  At that moment I KNEW I was about to be PISSED off.  I did not even bother looking at him.  I just waited for him to say what he was going to say.  He tells me that he had called Joseph's pulmonologist without my knowledge and spoke to him over the phone.  He said he wanted to take Joseph to church and asked for clearance to do it.  The part of this story that boggles my mind the most is that the pulmonologist gave John the clearance without seeing Joseph!!!  So when I looked at John and said I would like to see some proof he smiled and pulled out a note on a prescription pad note that said Joseph could go to church.  To say I was angry would be a gross understatement!  I yelled at John.  He said he did not understand why I would not be happy that Joseph could go more places.  I asked him if he had even been aware of what was going on in the past year.  How could he really?  He spent most of his time away to avoid me and somewhat the children!  When he was home we rarely spoke.

I tried to calm down and explain it to John again.  Joseph has MANY medical issues and his hypotonia, narrow trachea, tracheomalacia and low weight make ANY respiratory illness for him dangerous.  Then John pointed out the 4 colds that Joseph has had in the last two years.  Yes, Joseph has had four colds and recovered from all of them well.  I told him that was not the point.  During the winter all sorts of nasty stuff floats around including the flu and RSV.  THAT is what I am concerned about.  John asked why I was getting so upset.  It was not like he was sick or something.  I told him not yet but in my opinion he was playing Russian roulette with our son's health.  I was SO angry that I had to leave.   I could not stay in my house any longer.

The next day I called the pulmonologist's office.  They want NOTHING more to do with me now because of this crap.  I called and told them that John and I were separated and he did this behind my back.  I wanted to know what was going on.  The nurse said John had called and left a message for clearance for Joseph on Monday.  His doctor gave it to him but did not know the entire story like John placed Joseph into a child care class with 4 or 5 other one to two year olds.  I said with John doing that I might as well just place Joseph in a daycare or school myself.  The nurse said John did not mention this.  The clearance for church was for Joseph to attend church and sit beside John in the auditorium and NOT for him to be in any sort of class with children.  The doctor's office was NOT happy to be informed that they were being used in this power play John was pulling and threatened not to see Joseph any more.  SO NOT PLEASED WITH JOHN!!!

The next day I told John I called up the pulmonologist's office to get clarification on what was going on.  I said he could take Joseph to church, which I did not agree with, but he would HAVE to keep Joseph with him.  Then John gets completely mad at me and says a lot of things but the one that hurt the most was telling me to leave.  I want to stay and work out things with him but with him going behind my back and putting Joseph's health at risk along with his attitude I am not sure I can.  He basically said I would not allow him to parent and he was basically just money and a babysitter to me so I should leave and go to California.

I did not know what to say really.  I did yell at him about saying he was babysitting for me.  I said he was taking his time with his children and NOT babysitting for me.  What a joke!  So we argued about that and I said he can give up his rights to see the children whenever he wanted and I would keep them.  I did not need him to "babysit" and I would just keep them.  Then he got defensive and said I could not keep him from seeing his children.  Yet, apparently, if he takes them, then he is babysitting for me.  WHATEVER!!!   So when I have the children am I babysitting for him???  How absurd!!!

So now our relationship is strained and he has told me to go.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I guess this is just another problem I will have to wait and see how it plays out.  Then there is school.  I have my last class I am suppose to take.  I started the class August 6th but I dropped out on the 19th so I could get a 100% tuition refund.  I just found out that I will not be able to sign up for the class again until December.  In some ways this is good.  There is a REALLY good chance I will be moving (for work or to California), having to set up the kids services again, get settled into a job (hopefully), find someone to play wife for me (cleaning house and taking care of ALL of the children's activities), do research on my topic for my paper AND most importantly figure out HOW to collect data and write a research paper in the SHORT time frame of my class.   You know, I have nothing going on really.  I just sit around and eat bon bons.

Today it has RAINED, RAINED and RAINED!  I even had the feeding therapist tell me NOT to come to therapy session today because there were wide spread reports of flooding and their parking lot was flooded.  I have never had a therapist cancel my appointment!  The roof in the house has a leak and I have had to empty a large bowl three times.  The most water I had ever had in the bowl was 3/4 full.  I think the rain has finally died off.  It was a nice break though from all the heat and sunshine.

So that basically all going on in my life.  I guess I could talk about the lack of money (had to sell my sofa), lack of food in the house (I will be eating popcorn for dinner. Kids ALWAYS get feed!), the air conditioner in my van does not always work and the brakes need to be fixed, or that I have NO idea how I am going to get the money to move.  I shall not worry though.  Those problems can wait until tomorrow and I will go back now to eating my bon


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