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Tuesday December 11 - I was crying and worried about the CPS visit along with having to find a new nanny. I was worried about losing my job since I was going to have to take a lot of time off from work and I did
not have the time to take off. Having fired Bailey is HUGE! It will be VERY hard to replace her. I had asked John about coming back to Nevada where we could live with him and I could stay home again and take care of the children. John’s first reaction is that he said he did not think it was a good idea. He said he was not sure if he could be around the children. He did not think it would be good for him. (John read my blog and said he was referring to ME, his wife of all most 13 years, as the one he is not sure he can be around. Though this hurts my feelings it at least makes me feel better about our last conversation. )
Wednesday December 12 – On my first day home I get a text from John about 10:30am. My comments are in parentheses. It said…
I have made a decision. I cannot have you move back to Vegas to live with me. If you could somehow move back to Vegas and live somewhere else, that would be great. I came to this decision based on a couple of things (Neither of these were the reason I got the day before involving the children). First, we can’t afford it. With my salary, we won’t qualify for SSI (since when? We did before? Did you get some big raise I do not know about?) I do not make enough money to support a family of five without a second income. No one I have ever talked to who is a teacher has children an lives on one income (then you have not talked to the right people. This is just you seeking validation from others for what you are doing.). Both parents work. The only way it would work is if you got a job and that would defeat the purpose (purpose of what? For both parents to be in one house? For James to see more of his father?...NOPE! Didn't even ask if I would work PT). As it stands now I do payday advances every month. And yes, I could get a roommate, and the roommate would provide me with additional income (I did mention that and then you could come and visit the children more. What does this have to do with the conversation too BTW?). If you came to live with me you would not have an income (Yes I would…SSI.) In addition, I have a two bedroom apartment. I am not willing to share a bedroom with you (I feel the same). You would have to sleep with the kids or I would have to sleep with the kids or one of us would have to sleep in the living room (OK, I will take the living room). Either way, this would be a temporary situation (Why? I am your wife and these are your children), but temporary to what? What is the end goal (to have stability for the children and I along with having James stop crying to me he wants to see you)? Us living together would be a transition, but what is on the other end of the transition (why do we have to leave?)? If your end goal is for us to get back together, I stopped reading your blog for a reason (why does this have to do with my blog?). Because it was hurtful (oh, get it now). Since going to counseling and CR, I have learned a few things about anger control (wished you had learned that years ago…maybe we would still be together now). Before mouthing back to someone, I ask myself three questions. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? You keep saying your blog is not a lie and you are right (so this means what I write is the truth…) . But is it necessary? To you it is. You have told me it is your place to “vent” but you vent at the cost of hurting my feelings (Let’s stop here and think about this. If you admitted my blog is the truth, you are hurt by my blog, then you are really hurt by the TRUTH. It is not my fault your actions hurt your feelings). You have never apologized for that (what? Speaking the truth. No, I have not). Nor should you (that sounds like a lie there. Otherwise why bring it up?). You are allowed to do whatever you want. I learned a long time ago I cannot control your thoughts and actions (but you did try really hard and when I did not follow along you punished me emotionally). I can only react to the things you do (the same here). So… because we can’t afford it (VERY WEAK argument) and this situation would be temporary … since you obviously still harbor a great deal of anger (yes but I asked for us to do couples therapy to help with that) and chose to “vent” the way you do (who else do I really get to talk to? Would you rather me talk to my mother? I think we both know how that turns out)…I think it would be better for you to move back to Alabama (I am sure you would…an option I talked to him about and where I have my parents). We will talk about how to do visitation then (why bother?).
John has no idea how much his text hurt me. That he would rather turn us away. I cried. James asked where did I get hurt…lol. That is what I ask him most of the time he cries. That day I placed a new ad for a nanny and I hoped for a miracle.
Thursday, December 13th – It was the babies 5th birthday. I cannot really call them babies any longer. They are getting big. Especially James. Margaret wanted Hello Kitty carrot cake and I was determined to give it to her. I wanted to make and have a big party for them but I could not. With the stress of trying to find a new nanny, missing work and the pending CPS visit I could not get it together. To be honest all I felt was depressed. Later in the day Alexa came over and I went out to buy the children balloons and cake. I bought chocolate cake mix and a carrot cake. I got a Hello Kitty cake topper for Margaret. I also got a candle that was the number 5. Previously I had gone to Party City and got some Hello Kitty decorations, party hats, streamers and a couple of other things. The birthday presents I got the children had come in the day before. While out my car died. It was the battery, then the bolt broke that clamps the terminal to the battery, then I had to cut that one off and install another one. It was a huge mess and now my car is not quite running right but after sinking all most $200 into repairing it I did not want to spend any more money at the moment. I wanted to make sure I have at least some money for Christmas and their birthday. I finally made it to where I was going and back home. I got back JUST in time because I had about 40 minutes before Alexa had to leave. I asked her to wrap all their gifts. Alexa was sweet enough to buy the children something for their birthday. So she went and wrapped the gifts. That girl is a really good gift wrapper! That gave me time to spend with the children. By the time she was done her dad arrived and brought over the gifts for the children. They were cute. James and Margaret got backrest pillows. James got a batman pillow while Margaret got a Hello Kitty. Joseph got a pillow pet. He immediately went to lay down on it…lol.
I let the children open presents. James is SO funny when he is opening the presents. He is so excited and having such a big time. James was the one with a vision on this birthday. He told me he wanted birthday party hats, streamers, cake, and ice cream. I am sure it was from watching Blue’s Clues. I did what I could to make that vision come true for him. I got him one of the things he has been wanting a LONG time (about a year!), a camera. He was SO happy when he got it…lol. John got Margaret a Hello Kitty (HK) pillow that she loves and I got her a HK backpack along with two small HK dolls that she call HK babies…lol. Joseph got a guitar/keyboard combo from me that lights up and John sent him ABC flashcards that are touch, feel and scented. The touch part is the braille for each letter. They are pretty cool. Good job! I had not seen those before. I have several cute pictures of the children. They were blowing out their candle and I could not good picture of them because they were moving too fast. So after we had some cake I was lighting the candle over and over again to try and get some more pictures of the children. In getting pictures of James he was going too fast so I thought I would shoot some video and see about trying to get a still out of it. I started the video and James does something that shocked me. He makes a wish before blowing out the candle. I don’t know where he got this idea except from Blue’s Clues maybe or Yo Gabba Gabba. He got the idea backwards but the thought is there. Listen to what he says…
James is basically saying he wants John to come here or us to go there. I am not sure what he meant but he wants to be back with his father. It broke my heart. I had tried to make his birthday special and yet he thinks about John and wanting to be with his daddy.
Friday, December 14th – I was home yet again. I had no choice. I had a few people apply to the nanny position but I have yet had a chance to interview them all. So far there had been three and I had only spoken to one person that day. The rest of the day I was trying to enjoy with the children before the CPS worker showed up. Having not been with the children all day I had forgotten how busy they can keep someone. Personally, I like it. I know it makes me get up and run around with them. They were having fun trying to see what I was doing with my emails. I was able to get Natalie to come over and act as a witness when the CPS worker arrived. I was nervous. I knew I did not have to corporate with the investigation but on the other hand I wanted everything to go away so I wanted to corporate if I thought the CPS worker was being reasonable. I met her out on my front porch. I said I was confused as to why she was here. She said an anonymous complaint had been filed with CPS. She said she could not tell me who it was. I said ok. Then she said I was accused of neglect. She first asked me about the children. She asked about Joseph first. She said he was listed as developmentally delayed. Yes. Is that all of his diagnoses? I laughed and said no. She asked what they were and I said I would not be able to tell her off the top of my head. That the list was rather long. She said the first allegation was that I said Joseph had to be fed pureed food and I was feeding him stuffing causing a possible choking hazard for him. All I could think of is ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I said I know the DDD worker who was in my house reported me because he was the ONLY person who has been in my house AND the ONLY person who would have seen me feed Joseph stuffing. The CPS worker promptly said she could not say and I told her it is obvious. I said I also told the DDD worker that Joseph ate tiny star pasta with baby food mixed in. Did he mention that? The CPS worker said no. I said Joseph can eat soft foods. He cannot chew the food. I tell people baby food because it is easier to explain and I do NOT trust other people to feed Joseph. Being his mother I know what he can and cannot tolerate. I said the stuffing was homemade and I knew exactly what was in it. I had tiny egg white pieces in it. The feeding therapist told me I had to practice with Joseph on eating things with more texture so that was what I was doing. Then we discussed Margaret. She said all the children were a concern with safety. I said that was right. That is why I have a chain lock on their bedroom door. I said I have tried to separate the children before but they cry when I have done that so they are all in the same room. I put the chain lock on the door so they cannot wander the house. I said Margaret is WELL DOCUMENTED having a problem with personal safety and safety in general. I asked if the DDD worker had mentioned that Margaret has brain damage. She CPS worker said no. I explained that Margaret had been diagnosed with brain damage and that information was given to the DDD. Was there any mention that she is autistic? Again, the CPS worker said no. I said Margaret has issues with speech. She understands fine but she cannot express much in free speech. We think that is due to the brain damage. I said if Margaret or Joseph got out of the home they cannot give any pertinent information about themselves like their full name or the address where they live. We talked about James and I said he was the smart one. He was the one that tends to release the other children. I said he just needs to see you do something once and he has it. That he is diagnosed as autistic and has issues with social interaction and emotional maturity. After talking for about an hour outside I invited the CPS worker into the house. I knew after talking to her she was NO WHERE close to having the full picture of the situation. I let her into the house and the kids ran up to her and said hello. The CPS worker then wanted to looking the refrigerator and see if there was food. I told her I had food on the counter in the middle of prep because I was about to make chicken pot pie. She looking in the refrigerator and it was STUFFED full. I then took her back to the bedroom. She looked at the lock. I showed her how I chained the door and then left it propped open to the length of the chain. She glanced and I said she needed to look through the opening. When she did I said notice how all the children’s beds are placed along the wall so I can see everyone when I look into the room. That was done on purpose. She said the locks were a fire hazard concern but they were not against the law. I told her right there if they are not against the law I am NOT going to remove them. I said I had talked to therapist and other people about what I should do with them once they got too big for the baby gate to hold them and it was agreed that a chain lock was the best idea. I said I was concerned about the safety and welfare of my children just as CPS was and that was why I lock them in at night. She asked about an alarm and I said I was concerned I would not hear it. I also said Margaret often wakes during the night and can do so multiple times. The CPS worker asked if she had been diagnosed as an insomniac but I said no one has done so yet. Knowing how Margaret refluxes and has constipation issues I would imagine that is why she is often up. In any case I said I would lose sleep and a sleep deprived caregiver and/or worker is not a good choice either. At that moment Margaret came down the hall and sat on the hamper. The CPS worker asked if she could talk to the children. I said sure as long as I was present. She said that was fine. I asked how she wanted to talk to first. She said Margaret since she was right there. I said that was fine but I warned her that Margaret has Hello Kitty on the brain and that was probably all she would talk about. So the CPS worker asked Margaret her name. Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” So the worker asked her what is your last name and Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” LOL At least Margaret proved my point that she cannot give pertinent information about herself. Then the CPS worker asker her another question (I don’t remember what she said) but Margaret started to talk about having Santa bring her a Hello Kitty chia pet…LOL. So the CPS worker gave up and asked to speak to the boys. I said that was fine but Joseph would probably not answer any questions and if he did he would most likely be repeating what she said. James was the one that could answer any questions but I said that would depend on his mood. The CPS worker asked Joseph a couple of questions. I did not hear what she asked but I know the answer for the first questions was “nuf-fing”(nothing)…lol. I think that is Joseph’s pat answer for most questions. He says it SO cute too! LOL I did not hear if he said anything to the second question but I doubt it since the CPS worker did not ask anything else. She then turned her attention to James. She asked him his name. He said, “My name is James.” So she asked him if he knew his last name. He said, “My names is James H. “ I was SO proud! You have no idea how much I have worked with him in saying that correctly! The CPS worker asked him a few other questions and I told her he was able to name off all the planets. He did and again I was proud! He did SUCH a good job! At the end the CPS worker was done and asked a few questions about me and John. I said I was not comfortable in answering questions that relate to John and she should talk to him herself. So that is how the visit went. I am not sure what will happen with the case nor when it might close but at least the visit has been completed. Saturday and Sunday – The kids kept me busy and I had no problem with that. I also used the time to get clothes washed and sorted for the children and myself. We had a nice time and James has been enjoy a math game John got him. Sort of like a Speak and Spell but with math. It is hard for James to do but he slowly starting to learn the math facts. This should be interesting after he has had it for a month or two…lol.
I will have to tell about the good things John did in a post tomorrow and all sorts of other adventures.