Trying to Leave Vegas

Photo Credit: flickr.com

I am sad to leave Las Vegas.  I first came out to Vegas in late 2003 to attend graduate school.  I was not able to finish my degree but I was able to work and had a couple of nice jobs including a federal government job I left when I was pregnant with the quadruplets.  When I left the first time I been in Vegas for four years.

After the children were born I wanted to come back to Vegas.  For some reason Las Vegas calls to me.  It is the only town in which I feel like I am home besides my hometown in Alabama.  So I came back to Vegas when the children were two (late 2009).  I have been in Vegas since then.  I have moved around often because we have been poor and I had been looking for a decent place to live.  I think I had finally found it in the last place I lived in Henderson.  Even though the neighborhood I lived in was so rough I had some neighbor break into my house and steal the only thing I had left of any value (my jewelry I had collected for 20 years) yet I still liked the house, landlady and the neighborhood in general.  I hope I will like the Phoenix area just as well as I did Vegas.

On the Sunday I had to leave I had only gotten about 8 hours of sleep total over the weekend.  I was SO tired!  I had created some signs and advertised on Craigslist my yard sale the day before.  I am disappointed I did not get more people to stop by but my signs definately got attention.  In the end I was able to sell some of my bigger items and I got some of the other things sold for a reasonable price but overall I had to remember that my real purpose of the sale was to get rid of stuff.  I knew I needed money but now that my time had run out I HAD to get the items out of the house.  Saturday I was approached by a neighbor who said they were going to help me.  As is typical of my luck that did not pan out.  I was so physically tired and hurting I knew there was NO way I was going to be able to get the last of the stuff out of the house and moved.  Near noon I left the house and went to the U-Haul place to see if there were any workers there.  I lucked out!  Finally!  LOL  I found two guys who had recently gotten back from another job.  I told them I was looking for two people. That the job I needed them to do was not a "typical" moving job.  All the really heavy stuff had been moved and packed.  Now I was in the final phase of packing and needed to clean the house.

Stuff At the Curb I Could Not Take

We arrived at my house.  They guys got out and looked inside.  They asked what I wanted moved.  They were confused....lol.  I told them to start by unloading what was in my van and repacking it.  I said I knew it would take a bit but I had to have the van packed like a puzzle.  That I needed to get a lot of stuff into the van or into one of the storage cubes.  They got started unloading my van.  I initially thought the job would take 2 or 3 hours.  That is what I was betting on but I was wrong.  We got done FIVE hours later!!!  The guys were SO nice.  With the time running five hours I did not have enough to pay them more than $10 per hour each.  They had worked so hard and I knew they deserved more than that. I was in a quandary   I stopped the guys for a minute and talked to them.  I explained the situation about my husband leaving and I was on a TIGHT budget.  As we had been packing we found things the guys were interested in (folding chair, tent, booze, food items, tools, toys and other things they wanted) and I told them to keep it since I doubted I would be able to take it.  They each had a bin they planned to carry on their lap and filled it with stuff.  So when I mentioned that I only had money to pay them at a rate of $10 per hour they told me it was fine.  They said they understood my situation and were SORRY!  They said I had been a pleasure to work for (nice and not work them to death) and I was giving anything they found they wanted.  These poor men who are working on a cash-for-hire basis felt sorry for me because of the situation my husband put me in!  They both were a blessing in disguise when I hired them to help.  I would NEVER have gotten everything done if they weren't there.  There was SO much stuff I had to leave behind it was literally a 15 foot line of things along the curb.  It made me sad.  A lot of what I had to leave behind was the kid's stuff.  Some of the old kid's clothes I left behind Joseph might have been able to wear later but there was NO time left to go through them now.  The other things I had to leave were the kid's outdoor toys.  I was not sure where we would live and if there would be a space to have their toys plus I could not afford the space to pack them.

John makes it to the hotel where I had booked a room for the night.  I told him I would be late and to meet me at 7:00pm.  That was because after I dropped the workers off I had a few final things to pack that I had them leave.  Plus I wanted to take a shower.  I had not showered in about 24 hours and I had sweated most of the day so I was stinky!  I packed the last bit of stuff and got to the hotel about 10 minutes after John was there.  He pulled the car seats out of his car and looked at the van.  He told me there was no way he was going to be able to get into the van to buckle them in.  I said that was fine I would do it tomorrow.  So he started to chuck the seats into the car.  I said I would at least like him to put them in there right.  He pulled them back out and put them in right.  Before I could even ask him anything else he started to walk off to his car.  I was trying to wrangle the children and get our luggage out.  I wanted to change their stuff over from a small suitcase to a larger one.  I was glad I did.  I wanted help getting the kids into the hotel and getting checked in but before I could ask (because, if you remember, that is the ONLY way I can get John to do something to help me) he had hopped back into his car and pulled out of his space part way.  He called out to the children and told them good-bye from his car and after he was done he took off.  So he leaves me on the second floor of the parking deck of the Fiesta Henderson.  If you go to the hotel I would say where I parked was about as far away as one can park from the registration desk.

When the moving guys repacked my car they moved the umbrella stroller.  I had no way to move Joseph around easily and there was no way he could walk that far on his own.  I had to carry him, juggle my purse and luggage and herd Margaret and James.  As I was struggling through the parking lot to the elevator a nice couple came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I said yes.  Guess what?  A couple, strangers I did not know, VOLUNTEERED help!  I would have had to ASK John. They helped us to get on the elevator since they were heading out to the parking garage.  When I got off the elevator I happen to run into a valet.  I asked if he could help me. He said he could.  I was able to get checked in and to the room.  OMG, I was about to die!  I was SO tired and hurting.  A friend wanted to come and talk for a bit and say good-bye.  I might have been tired but I enjoyed the social visit.  Just not something I get to do very often.  It was nice.  I went to bed that night happy and relieved that I had gotten so much done.  A big thank you goes out to my parents on that one since they were the ones that got some money together so I could pay some guys to pack, get storage so we did not have to lose everything and got us a place once we got to Phoenix.

I did bother to ask John why he had seemed so terse when he left after he dropped off the car seats.  Curiosity got the better of me on that one.  So our text exchange went like this...

Me: I was saying why did you seem so upset when you dropped off the children?
John: You might not believe it but I'm sad that they are leaving and I can't see them 5 days a week.
Me: Yep I find it hard to believe.  You weren't seeing them 5 days a week to being with.  It would have been  nice if you would offer to help us get checked in.  You got back into your car so quickly I didn't even get a chance to ask. You stop to talk to me but you were  already pulled out of your parking space, buckled in, car running. With the help of a stranger in the elevator plus a nice valet we were able to get checked into our room.  I could barely keep the kids with me while we walked across the casino floor because they were so fascinated by the sounds and lights. 
John: "Husband left family sale"...doesn't make me want to talk a whole lot to you.  You could have had a "moving on" sale or a "got a new job" sale.  You just had to get one more jab in before you left.  I hope it made you feel better.  It is the same kind of crap your mother would do...belittle someone to make yourself feel better.  Through all of this, I have said not said anything bad about you in public.  And I still won't resort to putting you down to make myself to feel better.  You complained that I constantly need validation...your sign, your blog, every public display shows you want validation that you are a good person...and you will take sympathy from anyone...ANYONE.  I pray that god gives you peace, comfort and wisdom.  I hope someday soon my prayers will be answered.
Me: You can say what you want but you did leave.  You signed another lease some where when you knew I had no job and no way to meet all the bills.  You have not offered to help.  Then I hear from you that you have this "boundary" with me and I HAVE to ask you for help.  Are you kidding me? When I tell people this they are floored.  That you care so little about me and more importantly the children that you do not help at all unless I had to ask directly for something. It is sad!  I don't need validation I am a good person.  If you think that is what all of that was about your WAY off base!                

For those of you who may not have read what is going on or maybe for John since he apparently reads my blog let me elaborate on what I was trying to accomplish. The reason I did a "Husband Left Family Sale" is because that is what I feel has happened.  It was not "Moving On" by my volition.  That is NOT what I wanted to do.  As a matter of fact I had asked SEVERAL times to attend couples therapy to work out our issues. It could have been a "Got A New Job" sale but I don't want a job right now.  I know the job offer I got is perfect for me professionally.  It is the perfect thing I want to do BUT the children still need me.  More importantly Joseph still needs me.  I wanted to work but I had planned on it next year.  Joseph needs a lot of things.  I might be missing his muscle biopsy he desperately needs.  I need to take him places and try to get things for him but instead I have had to focus on finding a job, moving and now starting a new job.  Joseph is getting pushed to the wayside.  I will have to look for a sitter for the children.  I will be the person gone to work and missing their childhood when I don't want to and they need me.  I will be the person who is left to clean up the mess you have made with the children including James. I will be the person holding James as he cries for his daddy.  The sign was not a jab against you to make me feel better.  It was intended to try and shame you.  Do you know that word when it comes to your family? Do you know the reason you have not said anything "bad" about me in public?  It is because I have done little I am ashamed about.  There really isn't anything bad to say (and if it is it is a lie) but what I have on you, and I can PROVE it, is WAY worse than ANYTHING you could EVER say about me! As for sympathy from strangers.  Yes, John, I will take the sympathy and help from strangers.  It is because, at this moment, random strangers are able to supply me and our children with more sympathy and care than my husband of almost 13 years!  What is so wrong with sympathy anyways?  Do you even know the definition of the word sympathy?  You might want to look it up!  Women, in particular, are sympathetic to my situation because they too have experienced a crappy relationship. Finally, I am glad you pray for me.  I pray for you too.  I am sure you pray to God that I get peace, comfort and wisdom since you have done little to nothing in making sure I have any peace or comfort.  As for wisdom.  I think God has been kind enough to grant me that one already.

I will have to write about my road trip tomorrow dear readers.  Until then...

Countdown to Homelessness: 2 Days

To say my family is unhappy with John would barely even begin to cover how they feel about him.  In particular John has made my mother angry.  She called and texted a few things to him that sounded threatening.  In particular she sent a text to him that said to "watch your back sucker!"  LOL    It appears that based on that text John was able to get a order of temporary protection on my mother.  How crazy is that?

Today is Saturday and I will be selling all that I cannot fit into my boxes or my car.  It is a LOT!  It makes me sad to lose these things.  Some of the stuff I am having to give up are the outside toys I found for the children, their toddler beds, several pieces of furniture, ALL of my furniture for sitting (couch, love seat, chairs), my drier,several small kitchen appliances, microwave, and a whole bunch of miscellanous items.  I am hoping I make some good money from the sale but on the other hand it really does break my heart to lose so many of the children's things.  I am not even sure when I could replace these things. In the end I guess it is for the best since I am not sure where we will be in Phoenix.  Most of the items are too big unless we can live in a house somewhere.

I feel like I am losing everything.  I know I am not and I have tow U-Haul Boxes that say otherwise but that is the way it feels.  There is still SO much in the house.  I will have to get rid of a lot of things I really want.  I want all of this to end but everything keeps moving forward.

Today, I am selling my life.  : (

I am sure part of the melancholy of this post is due to the lack of sleep.  Not only is there a lot to do but idiotic me packed my mattress and I had no where to sleep.  So I have gone about 24 hours without sleep.  I am tired!

Is It Sunday All Ready?

When the children are not here my weekends fly by SO fast!!!  I was packing last night for while and I got side tracked.  As I was pulling out boxes and looking through things I found a brown manila envelope.When I looked into it I started to cry.  I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this packet of information the hospital sent me regarding Martha's death.  It had her record of birth, baptism certificate, hand and footprints, snippet of her hair and some pictures the NICU nurses took of her.  I cried and cried.  I don't remember ever seeing these pictures.  I might not have until now.  I got the envelope just after she passed away and it was just too much for me to deal with.  Her hand prints are so tiny a half dollar would easily cover them up. She was just so small.  They all were at birth! I included one of the pictures the nurses took on Martha's page.   I spent the rest of my evening crying and scanning in the pictures and documents.



At the start of the weekend John had asked me for some more Pedisure for Joseph  and Margaret.  I said ok.  I gave him one case of the Pedisure.  That is 4 6-packs.  He took my car this weekend since I was not ready to move.  So I was left with his car.  The front and back seats were FULL of stuff.  The floorboard of the passenger's side of the car was filled with food trash up to the height of the seat.  When I stopped to fill up his car I cleaned the floorboard out.  I filled up the trash can at the gas station!  Then I filled up his car with gas.  The total came to about $50. I thought it was no big deal since I would just ask him to pay me for the gas that was left in the car when I gave it back to him.  I ran around town and on Sunday I went to the grocery store to get what groceries I could on WIC and pick up a few other things.  One of the WIC items is the 30 6-packs of Pedisure.  I got it from the store and went to put the 7.5 cases in John's car.  I opened John's trunk and I find 2 cases and a 6-pack of Pedisure in there.  I have him that Pedisure over a month ago.  So that means the milk-based Pedisure has been in his trunk, in the heat, for the last month.  I would not feed it to the children!  So he has ruined 9 6-packs of the Pedisure.  That makes me SO mad when he knows we will be losing WIC in December because the children will turn 5 years old. I cannot afford to buy the Pedisure myself.  It costs about $10 per 6-pack!  So he essentially wasted $90.  It makes me SO mad I am thinking about asking him to pay me the money so I can go buy some more!  Plus what has John been feeding Margaret and Joseph over the last two months when they have been over there?

Then tonight I forgot to talk to him about the gas in his car. I message him.  I ask him for $25 since I left a little more than half a tank of gas in the car.  At first he did not believe me that I put it in there.  I showed him the charge on my account.  Then he tried to tell me I made a "poor decision" by putting the gas in the car.  What "poor decision" did I make?  Trusting that he would be fair and pay me the money for the gas left in his car?  He did finally agree to give me the money but he is not going to pay me now.  He said I would have to wait until his next pay check.  Why is that?  He would have had to put money in his car for gas to get to work.  Now I have to wait when he knows I do not have money?  Whatever! Last time I try to do something nice.  I will just leave him his car in the condition I found it. If it's empty I will leave it empty.

This week I have to be more productive in packing but that should be easier because we really do not have any more doctor or therapy appointments.  We have the blood draw EARLY in the morning on Tuesday but otherwise I think our week is pretty clear this week. I will be lining things up for the garage sale.  Got to sale what I can for the money!

Thursday night when John came over to see the children I told him about Joseph having a lump on the back of his neck (swollen lymph node), foul smelling breath and sore on his bottom gum under the front teeth we had pulled.  He never even asked how Joseph was doing or what was going on!  I took Joseph to the dentist on Friday at noon.  I was smart this time and took a change of clothes for Margaret remembering how she vomited all over the place last time I took her to the dentist for Joseph's appointment.  We get there and Margaret crawls into the chair whining...lol.  The dental assistant and I told her to get out of the chair.  The assistant said, " Get out of the chair Margaret before you get sick."  LOL  I put Joseph in the chair. The dentist came in and looked at Joseph and she declared the sore in Joseph's mouth is a canker sore.  If you look at possible causes of canker sores it can be an autoimmune issues and/or a vitamin or mineral deficiency (iron, folic acid or vitamin B-12).  Very interesting when these are some of the symptoms I have mentioned before that concern me about Joseph.  Margaret did good too because she never got sick.  Makes me SO happy not to clean barf!

When I get the children from John tonight John said the kids were all fed and full.  I always fix them something to eat anyways but they rarely eat much.  Tonight I had fixed James a large cup of some Gatorade and Joseph and Margaret a bottle.  They immediately drank it.  I fixed them another cup and bottle.  They drank it too. I was surprised!  They seemed like they were dehydrated or something.  Then I asked James if he would like some pizza.  Papa Johns was running a special where you could buy $10 worth of stuff from them and then get a free large pizza.  What a great deal!  I was able to get two medium pizzas with three toppings and have the ability to get a large three topping pizza later for free.  Since James LOVES pizza I know this will make him happy!  I asked if he would like a slice of pizza.  He said yes.  I thought he would only eat one piece.  He ate the first piece and then asked for a second.  I was surprised but gave it to him.  He came back and asked for a THIRD piece!  I had given a slice to Margaret and she was not eating it so I told James he could have her slice.  The next thing I know James asked for a FOURTH piece!  I told him no!  I said he had three pieces and he had eaten as much as mommy had so he could have no more.  He was sad about it and argued for a bit but he gave up.  He had NEVER tried eating so much pizza before!  For someone who was suppose to have been fed he was starving!

When I went to change Margaret's and Joseph's diaper tonight they both have a red booty.  So I asked John what happened.  He said he had no idea.  I also asked why there was a large bruise on James' head.  I was told James was running around the house and ran into Joseph.  I am not sure where Joseph was bonked in the head but James was very evident with the huge bruise!

So in one weekend I get the children back and they seem dehydrated, hungry and bruised/rashes.  What in the world was John doing this weekend with the children???  It seems like they were neglected (at least today) and not being supervised very well.  I am glad to have them back home!

Yard Sale Was Cancelled

I am sad to report that the yard sell was cancelled.  A teen neighbor was suppose to come this morning to help me move my stuff out to sell but she did not arrive.  She did not even call.  So I did not worry about it.  I instead worked on getting some stuff pulled out and placed on craigslist.  I also got a few things organized and I am moving towards getting packed.  That is going to be some adventure to get the house packed!

One of the craigslist ads worked and I was able to sell the children's Step 2 playhouse for $60.  I would have liked to keep it but it is just TOO big to take with us.  I will have to make it up to them later. I spent the money on some food for the house and my medicine.  I also got a new purse since my last one had a bottle of nail polish explode in it two weeks ago.  I have been running around with my wallet, keys, phone, Kindle, and anything else I need in my hands.  It will be nice to have it all in a purse again so I can quit misplacing things.  Plus, in order to try and not feel guilty about buying it, it is my birthday present to myself this year.  : )

Yard Sale!

So tomorrow I will drag out as much as I can out of my house and try to sell everything I can part with.  I cannot afford to move it to Arizona and I am not even certain I will be able to afford to move it to a storage room here.  Since I am still having problems with my right hand from the carpal tunnel surgery it is difficult to do a lot of lifting or much of anything else that involves a lot of use of my hand.  The scar from the surgery still looks bad, is red and inflamed and there is a lot of scar tissue under the scar making the incision painful.  I will do the best I can though tomorrow.  I have a TON of kids clothes I can sell plus a lot of household miscellaneous furniture.  I am hoping to raise at least $100.  That would be great! 

On the positive front I did get a call from UCLA and get a UCLA patient number for Joseph.  I was told the doctor will review Joseph's medical records and decide if he is going to take his case or not.  The doctor's office has until September 7th to get back with me and set an appointment.  Otherwise they will be hearing from me EVERYDAY until they get back with me.  I need to get this muscle biopsy done BEFORE we move. 

I still have no idea HOW I am going to make the move and hold over in Arizona until I can start my job AND get a paycheck.  I am trying hard not to panic over it.  I spoke to my father about my financial concerns today and mentioned that I was facing a $400 electrical bill and I had NO idea how to pay it.  I also need to move and I was not sure where that money was going to come from and I have little to no food in the house and not a lot of gas in the car.  Then I told him I was told by the doctor who did my hand surgery that he wanted me to go to physical therapy twice a week to help increase the strength in my hand, help with the scar pain, stretching the skin, and try to break up the scar tissue BUT I could not afford it since it would cost me a $20 co-pay each time I went and there is NO way I can justify spending $120 a month on the therapy when I need to spend a $20 co-pay to see my family doctor so I can get a refill of an important maintenance medication for me (which will cost $10 to get filled).  At the end of the conversation my sister called so I was told he had to talk to her but he said, "Yep. you have a lot of logistics to figure out for your move."  So I take this as he is not going to help financially. Not to mention my birthday is on the 4th and there was no mention of giving me money for my birthday (hoping that will still happen).  In the meantime I NEED this yard sale to have money to live.  I have $40 to my name right now that I can spend.  Other than that there is NO more money until September 10th.  I have half a roll of toilet paper in my house, not a lot of food and not much in the way of prospects.  I was luck enough to sell Joseph's crib today so I was able to order pizza when James asked for it today.  He never asks for things like that so it was nice when I could say OK and place an order with Papa Johns. 

On the other hand I have felt horrible when Margaret has been asking me for Hello Kitty stuff.  I know she, somehow, got a Hello Kitty doll.  She LOVES it!  So I thought I would look for some bedding stuff for her because I would like to upgrade her to a twin bed.  She saw me internet "window" shopping and asked when I was going to get her Kitty.  You have NO idea how this tore me up because, being autistic, she does not directly ask for things very often and when she does I try really hard to get it for her. 

The other day I was in Target and I saw a Hello Kitty twin comforter for $35.  It was adorable!  I wanted it SO bad for her but I knew I did not have the money.  I COMPLETELY understand why some people steal when it comes to giving things to their children.  To have your child look at you wanting something so desperately and knowing you cannot get it for them.  Yet the item in question is close at hand in the local store.  It is just a matter of taking it.  I understand the desire, I really do, but it is poor impulse control to steal and take it.  I left the store misty eyed knowing the comforter she wanted was so close but SO far out of my reach.  I am hoping I will be able to get it for her birthday in December.   Some days are SO hard at the moment.  I just have to remember that I can, no I HAVE, to make it until the end of November.  By Thanksgiving I truly will have something to be grateful for since I will have a job and be earning money.