Playing Catch Up

Photo Credit: http://buckyandlouissa.tumblr.com

Tuesday December 11 - I was crying and worried about the CPS visit along with having to find a new nanny. I was worried about losing my job since I was going to have to take a lot of time off from work and I did

not have the time to take off. Having fired Bailey is HUGE! It will be VERY hard to replace her. I had asked John about coming back to Nevada where we could live with him and I could stay home again and take care of the children. John’s first reaction is that he said he did not think it was a good idea. He said he was not sure if he could be around the children. He did not think it would be good for him. (John read my blog and said he was referring to ME, his wife of all most 13 years, as the one he is not sure he can be around. Though this hurts my feelings it at least makes me feel better about our last conversation. )  

Wednesday December 12 – On my first day home I get a text from John about 10:30am. My comments are in parentheses. It said…

I have made a decision. I cannot have you move back to Vegas to live with me. If you could somehow move back to Vegas and live somewhere else, that would be great. I came to this decision based on a couple of things (Neither of these were the reason I got the day before involving the children). First, we can’t afford it. With my salary, we won’t qualify for SSI (since when? We did before? Did you get some big raise I do not know about?) I do not make enough money to support a family of five without a second income. No one I have ever talked to who is a teacher has children an lives on one income (then you have not talked to the right people. This is just you seeking validation from others for what you are doing.). Both parents work. The only way it would work is if you got a job and that would defeat the purpose (purpose of what? For both parents to be in one house? For James to see more of his father?...NOPE! Didn't even ask if I would work PT). As it stands now I do payday advances every month. And yes, I could get a roommate, and the roommate would provide me with additional income (I did mention that and then you could come and visit the children more. What does this have to do with the conversation too BTW?). If you came to live with me you would not have an income (Yes I would…SSI.) In addition, I have a two bedroom apartment. I am not willing to share a bedroom with you (I feel the same). You would have to sleep with the kids or I would have to sleep with the kids or one of us would have to sleep in the living room (OK, I will take the living room). Either way, this would be a temporary situation (Why? I am your wife and these are your children), but temporary to what? What is the end goal (to have stability for the children and I along with having James stop crying to me he wants to see you)? Us living together would be a transition, but what is on the other end of the transition (why do we have to leave?)? If your end goal is for us to get back together, I stopped reading your blog for a reason (why does this have to do with my blog?). Because it was hurtful (oh, get it now). Since going to counseling and CR, I have learned a few things about anger control (wished you had learned that years ago…maybe we would still be together now). Before mouthing back to someone, I ask myself three questions. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? You keep saying your blog is not a lie and you are right (so this means what I write is the truth…) . But is it necessary? To you it is. You have told me it is your place to “vent” but you vent at the cost of hurting my feelings (Let’s stop here and think about this. If you admitted my blog is the truth, you are hurt by my blog, then you are really hurt by the TRUTH. It is not my fault your actions hurt your feelings). You have never apologized for that (what? Speaking the truth. No, I have not). Nor should you (that sounds like a lie there. Otherwise why bring it up?). You are allowed to do whatever you want. I learned a long time ago I cannot control your thoughts and actions (but you did try really hard and when I did not follow along you punished me emotionally). I can only react to the things you do (the same here). So… because we can’t afford it (VERY WEAK argument) and this situation would be temporary … since you obviously still harbor a great deal of anger (yes but I asked for us to do couples therapy to help with that) and chose to “vent” the way you do (who else do I really get to talk to? Would you rather me talk to my mother? I think we both know how that turns out)…I think it would be better for you to move back to Alabama (I am sure you would…an option I talked to him about and where I have my parents). We will talk about how to do visitation then (why bother?).

John has no idea how much his text hurt me. That he would rather turn us away. I cried. James asked where did I get hurt…lol. That is what I ask him most of the time he cries. That day I placed a new ad for a nanny and I hoped for a miracle.

Thursday, December 13th – It was the babies 5th birthday. I cannot really call them babies any longer. They are getting big. Especially James. Margaret wanted Hello Kitty carrot cake and I was determined to give it to her. I wanted to make and have a big party for them but I could not. With the stress of trying to find a new nanny, missing work and the pending CPS visit I could not get it together. To be honest all I felt was depressed. Later in the day Alexa came over and I went out to buy the children balloons and cake. I bought chocolate cake mix and a carrot cake. I got a Hello Kitty cake topper for Margaret. I also got a candle that was the number 5. Previously I had gone to Party City and got some Hello Kitty decorations, party hats, streamers and a couple of other things. The birthday presents I got the children had come in the day before. While out my car died. It was the battery, then the bolt broke that clamps the terminal to the battery, then I had to cut that one off and install another one. It was a huge mess and now my car is not quite running right but after sinking all most $200 into repairing it I did not want to spend any more money at the moment. I wanted to make sure I have at least some money for Christmas and their birthday. I finally made it to where I was going and back home. I got back JUST in time because I had about 40 minutes before Alexa had to leave. I asked her to wrap all their gifts. Alexa was sweet enough to buy the children something for their birthday. So she went and wrapped the gifts. That girl is a really good gift wrapper! That gave me time to spend with the children. By the time she was done her dad arrived and brought over the gifts for the children. They were cute. James and Margaret got backrest pillows. James got a batman pillow while Margaret got a Hello Kitty. Joseph got a pillow pet. He immediately went to lay down on it…lol.

I let the children open presents. James is SO funny when he is opening the presents. He is so excited and having such a big time. James was the one with a vision on this birthday. He told me he wanted birthday party hats, streamers, cake, and ice cream. I am sure it was from watching Blue’s Clues. I did what I could to make that vision come true for him. I got him one of the things he has been wanting a LONG time (about a year!), a camera. He was SO happy when he got it…lol. John got Margaret a Hello Kitty (HK) pillow that she loves and I got her a HK backpack along with two small HK dolls that she call HK babies…lol. Joseph got a guitar/keyboard combo from me that lights up and John sent him ABC flashcards that are touch, feel and scented. The touch part is the braille for each letter. They are pretty cool. Good job! I had not seen those before. I have several cute pictures of the children. They were blowing out their candle and I could not good picture of them because they were moving too fast. So after we had some cake I was lighting the candle over and over again to try and get some more pictures of the children. In getting pictures of James he was going too fast so I thought I would shoot some video and see about trying to get a still out of it. I started the video and James does something that shocked me. He makes a wish before blowing out the candle. I don’t know where he got this idea except from Blue’s Clues maybe or Yo Gabba Gabba. He got the idea backwards but the thought is there. Listen to what he says…

James is basically saying he wants John to come here or us to go there. I am not sure what he meant but he wants to be back with his father. It broke my heart. I had tried to make his birthday special and yet he thinks about John and wanting to be with his daddy. 

Friday, December 14th – I was home yet again. I had no choice. I had a few people apply to the nanny position but I have yet had a chance to interview them all. So far there had been three and I had only spoken to one person that day. The rest of the day I was trying to enjoy with the children before the CPS worker showed up. Having not been with the children all day I had forgotten how busy they can keep someone. Personally, I like it. I know it makes me get up and run around with them. They were having fun trying to see what I was doing with my emails. I was able to get Natalie to come over and act as a witness when the CPS worker arrived. I was nervous. I knew I did not have to corporate with the investigation but on the other hand I wanted everything to go away so I wanted to corporate if I thought the CPS worker was being reasonable. I met her out on my front porch. I said I was confused as to why she was here. She said an anonymous complaint had been filed with CPS. She said she could not tell me who it was. I said ok. Then she said I was accused of neglect. She first asked me about the children. She asked about Joseph first. She said he was listed as developmentally delayed. Yes. Is that all of his diagnoses? I laughed and said no. She asked what they were and I said I would not be able to tell her off the top of my head. That the list was rather long. She said the first allegation was that I said Joseph had to be fed pureed food and I was feeding him stuffing causing a possible choking hazard for him. All I could think of is ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I said I know the DDD worker who was in my house reported me because he was the ONLY person who has been in my house AND the ONLY person who would have seen me feed Joseph stuffing. The CPS worker promptly said she could not say and I told her it is obvious. I said I also told the DDD worker that Joseph ate tiny star pasta with baby food mixed in. Did he mention that? The CPS worker said no. I said Joseph can eat soft foods. He cannot chew the food. I tell people baby food because it is easier to explain and I do NOT trust other people to feed Joseph. Being his mother I know what he can and cannot tolerate. I said the stuffing was homemade and I knew exactly what was in it. I had tiny egg white pieces in it. The feeding therapist told me I had to practice with Joseph on eating things with more texture so that was what I was doing. Then we discussed Margaret. She said all the children were a concern with safety. I said that was right. That is why I have a chain lock on their bedroom door. I said I have tried to separate the children before but they cry when I have done that so they are all in the same room. I put the chain lock on the door so they cannot wander the house. I said Margaret is WELL DOCUMENTED having a problem with personal safety and safety in general. I asked if the DDD worker had mentioned that Margaret has brain damage. She CPS worker said no. I explained that Margaret had been diagnosed with brain damage and that information was given to the DDD. Was there any mention that she is autistic? Again, the CPS worker said no. I said Margaret has issues with speech. She understands fine but she cannot express much in free speech. We think that is due to the brain damage. I said if Margaret or Joseph got out of the home they cannot give any pertinent information about themselves like their full name or the address where they live. We talked about James and I said he was the smart one. He was the one that tends to release the other children. I said he just needs to see you do something once and he has it. That he is diagnosed as autistic and has issues with social interaction and emotional maturity. After talking for about an hour outside I invited the CPS worker into the house. I knew after talking to her she was NO WHERE close to having the full picture of the situation. I let her into the house and the kids ran up to her and said hello. The CPS worker then wanted to looking the refrigerator and see if there was food. I told her I had food on the counter in the middle of prep because I was about to make chicken pot pie. She looking in the refrigerator and it was STUFFED full. I then took her back to the bedroom. She looked at the lock. I showed her how I chained the door and then left it propped open to the length of the chain. She glanced and I said she needed to look through the opening. When she did I said notice how all the children’s beds are placed along the wall so I can see everyone when I look into the room. That was done on purpose. She said the locks were a fire hazard concern but they were not against the law. I told her right there if they are not against the law I am NOT going to remove them. I said I had talked to therapist and other people about what I should do with them once they got too big for the baby gate to hold them and it was agreed that a chain lock was the best idea. I said I was concerned about the safety and welfare of my children just as CPS was and that was why I lock them in at night. She asked about an alarm and I said I was concerned I would not hear it. I also said Margaret often wakes during the night and can do so multiple times. The CPS worker asked if she had been diagnosed as an insomniac but I said no one has done so yet. Knowing how Margaret refluxes and has constipation issues I would imagine that is why she is often up. In any case I said I would lose sleep and a sleep deprived caregiver and/or worker is not a good choice either. At that moment Margaret came down the hall and sat on the hamper. The CPS worker asked if she could talk to the children. I said sure as long as I was present. She said that was fine. I asked how she wanted to talk to first. She said Margaret since she was right there. I said that was fine but I warned her that Margaret has Hello Kitty on the brain and that was probably all she would talk about. So the CPS worker asked Margaret her name. Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” So the worker asked her what is your last name and Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” LOL At least Margaret proved my point that she cannot give pertinent information about herself. Then the CPS worker asker her another question (I don’t remember what she said) but Margaret started to talk about having Santa bring her a Hello Kitty chia pet…LOL. So the CPS worker gave up and asked to speak to the boys. I said that was fine but Joseph would probably not answer any questions and if he did he would most likely be repeating what she said. James was the one that could answer any questions but I said that would depend on his mood. The CPS worker asked Joseph a couple of questions. I did not hear what she asked but I know the answer for the first questions was “nuf-fing”(nothing)…lol. I think that is Joseph’s pat answer for most questions. He says it SO cute too! LOL I did not hear if he said anything to the second question but I doubt it since the CPS worker did not ask anything else. She then turned her attention to James. She asked him his name. He said, “My name is James.” So she asked him if he knew his last name. He said, “My names is James H. “ I was SO proud! You have no idea how much I have worked with him in saying that correctly! The CPS worker asked him a few other questions and I told her he was able to name off all the planets. He did and again I was proud! He did SUCH a good job! At the end the CPS worker was done and asked a few questions about me and John. I said I was not comfortable in answering questions that relate to John and she should talk to him herself. So that is how the visit went. I am not sure what will happen with the case nor when it might close but at least the visit has been completed. Saturday and Sunday – The kids kept me busy and I had no problem with that. I also used the time to get clothes washed and sorted for the children and myself. We had a nice time and James has been enjoy a math game John got him. Sort of like a Speak and Spell but with math. It is hard for James to do but he slowly starting to learn the math facts. This should be interesting after he has had it for a month or two…lol.

I will have to tell about the good things John did in a post tomorrow and all sorts of other adventures.

Trying to Leave Vegas

Photo Credit: flickr.com

I am sad to leave Las Vegas.  I first came out to Vegas in late 2003 to attend graduate school.  I was not able to finish my degree but I was able to work and had a couple of nice jobs including a federal government job I left when I was pregnant with the quadruplets.  When I left the first time I been in Vegas for four years.

After the children were born I wanted to come back to Vegas.  For some reason Las Vegas calls to me.  It is the only town in which I feel like I am home besides my hometown in Alabama.  So I came back to Vegas when the children were two (late 2009).  I have been in Vegas since then.  I have moved around often because we have been poor and I had been looking for a decent place to live.  I think I had finally found it in the last place I lived in Henderson.  Even though the neighborhood I lived in was so rough I had some neighbor break into my house and steal the only thing I had left of any value (my jewelry I had collected for 20 years) yet I still liked the house, landlady and the neighborhood in general.  I hope I will like the Phoenix area just as well as I did Vegas.

On the Sunday I had to leave I had only gotten about 8 hours of sleep total over the weekend.  I was SO tired!  I had created some signs and advertised on Craigslist my yard sale the day before.  I am disappointed I did not get more people to stop by but my signs definately got attention.  In the end I was able to sell some of my bigger items and I got some of the other things sold for a reasonable price but overall I had to remember that my real purpose of the sale was to get rid of stuff.  I knew I needed money but now that my time had run out I HAD to get the items out of the house.  Saturday I was approached by a neighbor who said they were going to help me.  As is typical of my luck that did not pan out.  I was so physically tired and hurting I knew there was NO way I was going to be able to get the last of the stuff out of the house and moved.  Near noon I left the house and went to the U-Haul place to see if there were any workers there.  I lucked out!  Finally!  LOL  I found two guys who had recently gotten back from another job.  I told them I was looking for two people. That the job I needed them to do was not a "typical" moving job.  All the really heavy stuff had been moved and packed.  Now I was in the final phase of packing and needed to clean the house.

Stuff At the Curb I Could Not Take

We arrived at my house.  They guys got out and looked inside.  They asked what I wanted moved.  They were confused....lol.  I told them to start by unloading what was in my van and repacking it.  I said I knew it would take a bit but I had to have the van packed like a puzzle.  That I needed to get a lot of stuff into the van or into one of the storage cubes.  They got started unloading my van.  I initially thought the job would take 2 or 3 hours.  That is what I was betting on but I was wrong.  We got done FIVE hours later!!!  The guys were SO nice.  With the time running five hours I did not have enough to pay them more than $10 per hour each.  They had worked so hard and I knew they deserved more than that. I was in a quandary   I stopped the guys for a minute and talked to them.  I explained the situation about my husband leaving and I was on a TIGHT budget.  As we had been packing we found things the guys were interested in (folding chair, tent, booze, food items, tools, toys and other things they wanted) and I told them to keep it since I doubted I would be able to take it.  They each had a bin they planned to carry on their lap and filled it with stuff.  So when I mentioned that I only had money to pay them at a rate of $10 per hour they told me it was fine.  They said they understood my situation and were SORRY!  They said I had been a pleasure to work for (nice and not work them to death) and I was giving anything they found they wanted.  These poor men who are working on a cash-for-hire basis felt sorry for me because of the situation my husband put me in!  They both were a blessing in disguise when I hired them to help.  I would NEVER have gotten everything done if they weren't there.  There was SO much stuff I had to leave behind it was literally a 15 foot line of things along the curb.  It made me sad.  A lot of what I had to leave behind was the kid's stuff.  Some of the old kid's clothes I left behind Joseph might have been able to wear later but there was NO time left to go through them now.  The other things I had to leave were the kid's outdoor toys.  I was not sure where we would live and if there would be a space to have their toys plus I could not afford the space to pack them.

John makes it to the hotel where I had booked a room for the night.  I told him I would be late and to meet me at 7:00pm.  That was because after I dropped the workers off I had a few final things to pack that I had them leave.  Plus I wanted to take a shower.  I had not showered in about 24 hours and I had sweated most of the day so I was stinky!  I packed the last bit of stuff and got to the hotel about 10 minutes after John was there.  He pulled the car seats out of his car and looked at the van.  He told me there was no way he was going to be able to get into the van to buckle them in.  I said that was fine I would do it tomorrow.  So he started to chuck the seats into the car.  I said I would at least like him to put them in there right.  He pulled them back out and put them in right.  Before I could even ask him anything else he started to walk off to his car.  I was trying to wrangle the children and get our luggage out.  I wanted to change their stuff over from a small suitcase to a larger one.  I was glad I did.  I wanted help getting the kids into the hotel and getting checked in but before I could ask (because, if you remember, that is the ONLY way I can get John to do something to help me) he had hopped back into his car and pulled out of his space part way.  He called out to the children and told them good-bye from his car and after he was done he took off.  So he leaves me on the second floor of the parking deck of the Fiesta Henderson.  If you go to the hotel I would say where I parked was about as far away as one can park from the registration desk.

When the moving guys repacked my car they moved the umbrella stroller.  I had no way to move Joseph around easily and there was no way he could walk that far on his own.  I had to carry him, juggle my purse and luggage and herd Margaret and James.  As I was struggling through the parking lot to the elevator a nice couple came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I said yes.  Guess what?  A couple, strangers I did not know, VOLUNTEERED help!  I would have had to ASK John. They helped us to get on the elevator since they were heading out to the parking garage.  When I got off the elevator I happen to run into a valet.  I asked if he could help me. He said he could.  I was able to get checked in and to the room.  OMG, I was about to die!  I was SO tired and hurting.  A friend wanted to come and talk for a bit and say good-bye.  I might have been tired but I enjoyed the social visit.  Just not something I get to do very often.  It was nice.  I went to bed that night happy and relieved that I had gotten so much done.  A big thank you goes out to my parents on that one since they were the ones that got some money together so I could pay some guys to pack, get storage so we did not have to lose everything and got us a place once we got to Phoenix.

I did bother to ask John why he had seemed so terse when he left after he dropped off the car seats.  Curiosity got the better of me on that one.  So our text exchange went like this...

Me: I was saying why did you seem so upset when you dropped off the children?
John: You might not believe it but I'm sad that they are leaving and I can't see them 5 days a week.
Me: Yep I find it hard to believe.  You weren't seeing them 5 days a week to being with.  It would have been  nice if you would offer to help us get checked in.  You got back into your car so quickly I didn't even get a chance to ask. You stop to talk to me but you were  already pulled out of your parking space, buckled in, car running. With the help of a stranger in the elevator plus a nice valet we were able to get checked into our room.  I could barely keep the kids with me while we walked across the casino floor because they were so fascinated by the sounds and lights. 
John: "Husband left family sale"...doesn't make me want to talk a whole lot to you.  You could have had a "moving on" sale or a "got a new job" sale.  You just had to get one more jab in before you left.  I hope it made you feel better.  It is the same kind of crap your mother would do...belittle someone to make yourself feel better.  Through all of this, I have said not said anything bad about you in public.  And I still won't resort to putting you down to make myself to feel better.  You complained that I constantly need validation...your sign, your blog, every public display shows you want validation that you are a good person...and you will take sympathy from anyone...ANYONE.  I pray that god gives you peace, comfort and wisdom.  I hope someday soon my prayers will be answered.
Me: You can say what you want but you did leave.  You signed another lease some where when you knew I had no job and no way to meet all the bills.  You have not offered to help.  Then I hear from you that you have this "boundary" with me and I HAVE to ask you for help.  Are you kidding me? When I tell people this they are floored.  That you care so little about me and more importantly the children that you do not help at all unless I had to ask directly for something. It is sad!  I don't need validation I am a good person.  If you think that is what all of that was about your WAY off base!                

For those of you who may not have read what is going on or maybe for John since he apparently reads my blog let me elaborate on what I was trying to accomplish. The reason I did a "Husband Left Family Sale" is because that is what I feel has happened.  It was not "Moving On" by my volition.  That is NOT what I wanted to do.  As a matter of fact I had asked SEVERAL times to attend couples therapy to work out our issues. It could have been a "Got A New Job" sale but I don't want a job right now.  I know the job offer I got is perfect for me professionally.  It is the perfect thing I want to do BUT the children still need me.  More importantly Joseph still needs me.  I wanted to work but I had planned on it next year.  Joseph needs a lot of things.  I might be missing his muscle biopsy he desperately needs.  I need to take him places and try to get things for him but instead I have had to focus on finding a job, moving and now starting a new job.  Joseph is getting pushed to the wayside.  I will have to look for a sitter for the children.  I will be the person gone to work and missing their childhood when I don't want to and they need me.  I will be the person who is left to clean up the mess you have made with the children including James. I will be the person holding James as he cries for his daddy.  The sign was not a jab against you to make me feel better.  It was intended to try and shame you.  Do you know that word when it comes to your family? Do you know the reason you have not said anything "bad" about me in public?  It is because I have done little I am ashamed about.  There really isn't anything bad to say (and if it is it is a lie) but what I have on you, and I can PROVE it, is WAY worse than ANYTHING you could EVER say about me! As for sympathy from strangers.  Yes, John, I will take the sympathy and help from strangers.  It is because, at this moment, random strangers are able to supply me and our children with more sympathy and care than my husband of almost 13 years!  What is so wrong with sympathy anyways?  Do you even know the definition of the word sympathy?  You might want to look it up!  Women, in particular, are sympathetic to my situation because they too have experienced a crappy relationship. Finally, I am glad you pray for me.  I pray for you too.  I am sure you pray to God that I get peace, comfort and wisdom since you have done little to nothing in making sure I have any peace or comfort.  As for wisdom.  I think God has been kind enough to grant me that one already.

I will have to write about my road trip tomorrow dear readers.  Until then...

Has Hell Frozen Over Yet?

Photo Credit:  america-report.blogspot.com

I know my husband (he left at the beginning of July) has been reading my blog.  At least occasionally.  I know because of things he has said.  I am surprised!  He had not read what I wrote before.

John arrived at my house this evening.  James was SO excited!  As I was getting ready to leave I asked John if he could take off from school on Friday so I could go and see my regular doctor to get refills on all my maintenance medications before I left town.  Plus I was hoping he would take the children early so I could see about trying to get a moving van and get the house packed and moved.  John said he would not be able to get Friday off.  It was a high demand day for subs (what difference this makes I have NO idea) and that progress reports had to go out.  He did not want to leave that duty to a substitute.  I kinda understand that one but on the other hand it is not every day that your wife and children are leaving for another state.

John said the best he could do was Thursday.  He said he could take half a day off on Thursday.  I asked if the whole day was possible but he said no.  So I asked if he could show up early (instead of 6pm) when he picks the children up on Friday.  John said why was I asking for things at the last minute.  That he has plans.  Why didn't I ask earlier?  First off, let me think for a moment, I may be a bit scatter brained lately because of all the stress I am under.  It could be because I have been busy making calls and trying to get information together to take to Arizona. Set up doctor appointments (here and there).  Get the children and I to our needed appointments over the last three weeks.  Make calls to try and keep us from being homeless in Arizona.  Writing in a blog asking for help from strangers because my husband, and father of the children, is not helping in any way with the move.  I am sorry but I have been a bit busy!

It had dawned on me last night that I would need somewhere to stay Sunday night.  I asked John tonight if I could stay at his place on Sunday with the children.  His first response was no.  He said he was not comfortable with it. What???  I was stunned.  I took a moment to get myself composed and said I am the mother of your children, your wife of all most 13 years and you cannot let me spend one night at your place since I have no where else to go???   He sat there and was thinking.  After a bit I told him never mind.  If it is going to be that hard of a decision then don't worry about it.  He said he should be able to think about my request since it was another last minute item I am bringing up to him.

Then he said something along the lines of why would I have thought he would just say yes.  Well, it could have to do with I would have said yes so I NEVER thought he would have said no or had to think about it. I walked out of the house.  I stood outside the door for a moment and then realized I had forgotten a post-it note I wanted.  I went back inside.  John said he was ok with me staying there.  I told him, again, not to worry about it.  He said he was not going to get in a fight with me.  He would leave before it came to that.  I said, "You are not leaving.  You are going to spend time with your children. I am leaving."  I walked back out the door.  As I am getting in my car he comes outside and says, "I would like you to stay.  It will be the last time I get to see the children."  Notice there was no mention of me.

I left.  I was heartbroken.  John has been so cool to me lately.  James telling me about some woman named Shawn.  His refusal for me to come to his place, the fact he smelled SO strong of cologne (I did NOT get) tonight the smell lingered in my house and he was texting makes me think he has some other woman in his life.  This hurts me.  I have asked him to get couples therapy with me.  I wanted to try and keep our family together but I am not getting that same feeling from him.  I can't be the only person trying to fix what is broken.

I called and talked to my mother.  Normally I call and talk to my friend Krissi but she has been busy with her own family drama so I have been bothering my mother.  She forwarded me a text tonight after I had left the house.  It was from John.  I did not know she had been texting him.  It said:

Cathy, I have helped Michelle with anything she has ASKED me to do.  If she does not ask, I will not do it.  Please do not respond to this message, and please do not contact me again. Thank you.

At least he was polite.  John and my mother have a very strong dislike for each other.  The part of this message that bothers me the most is John saying he has helped me do anything I have ASKED him to do.  That is NOT true.  Plus, wouldn't a TRUE man volunteer to help?  I had told him in the beginning I was not sure how I was going to make this happen.  I was worried.  John did not help.  He told me, "Don't worry. You will get everything figured out.  Wasn't it you who said where there's a will there's a way?  If you really want this job you will make it work."   I did say where there is a will there is a way.  The problem is that the way can sometimes get REALLY ugly!  If it was just me that would be one thing.  I could ride it out.  It is NOT just me though.  There are THREE disabled four year olds that have to come with me.  I have no problem suffering for my mistakes or judgments in life.  On the other hand I don't wish for my children to share my punishment.

As I said too, if John was a TRUE man wouldn't he have volunteered to help?  He was the one who left the house and left us financially stranded with no warning.  At least my first ex-husband did not do that.  I was seething with hate being cooped up in an apartment with him for four months but at least there was an exit plan when we BOTH left.  If John was really happy that I got this job in Phoenix wouldn't you think he would be excited for me/us?  He would be over and asking what he could do to help?  That the move would benefit ALL of us (financially).  Instead of being cheerful and helpful I have to ask, no beg, for help.  Even when I ask for the help it is not what I want.

After talking to my mother and telling her about John telling me I cannot come over to stay at his place Sunday night, and though he changed his mind, my mother was as surprised as I was.  She said for me not to worry and I could get a hotel room.  She said her and my dad would pay for it.  I am thankful.  After finding out his attitude I don't want to ask for anything. Part of it is pride but part of it is because I don't get what I am really needing.

I wanted to be there for John.  I wanted to love and be with him but how does he expect me to do that when this is how I am being treated?  Worse yet, this is how he is treating his children?  I am not sure what the future will bring.  I am not sure how I am going to make things happen but somehow I will work it out.  I will ask EVERY stranger I can find for help if I have to. I will do this without John.

If I have to ask John it may well be a cold day in hell before that happens.

Angry Mom

Photo Credit:  sheknows.com

Angry mom helps to describe me in so many ways right now.  The first way I am angry is at UCLA.  I still had not heard anything from them so I thought I would try calling again.  After waiting on hold for 20 minutes I finally got through to speak to a human.  I asked to make an appointment and I was told to hold again while I am transferred.  Someone picked up soon after and said they could set the appointment for the muscle biopsy.  Finally I thought!  I was going to make the appointment.  The woman said the doctor only does the muscle biopsies on Mondays and Wednesdays.  She asked which day I wanted and I said I was not sure.  I asked when is the first available appointment.  The first available appointment was October 26th!  Not only is this after I have to leave Nevada but it is right after or close to when I am suppose to start my new job.  Aaaaggggg!  So now I am not sure what to do.  I need to get the muscle biopsy done for Joseph.  I have been working on this really since LAST year and this year I have been trying to get an appointment since the beginning of August I think. Now that I am going to Phoenix and I asked the geneticist, who is wanting the muscle biopsy, if she knew of anyone who can do the procedure there.

The next thing that got me angry today is the Nevada DMV website.  I got a call from my new job in Phoenix.  I have been asking them for a job offer letter for the last three weeks.  I was told they could get a letter together for me but not until they can get my driving record.  I did not get this call until 3:30pm.  I looked online and you can order your driver's record from there.  I thought, great, and I got everything together to place the order.  When I put ALL the information into the computer I hit the process order button and I got sorry but our systems are down.  Aaaaaggggg!!!  I was told I cannot get my job offer letter until I get my driving record to them so something else to hang me up.

Finally I have noticed I have a lot less patience with the children right now.   I have turned into an angry mommy with the children.  I don't want to be like that to them.  I really don't want to be like that when I have so little time left to be with them before I have to be gone all the time too.  James cried to me several times today because John did not come by tonight or yesterday.  I am worried about him feeling abandoned when John will be gone and then I will be gone too.  James is all ready asking me to come to my room and lay down my bed next to me.  He snuggles close and I let him play the Kindle.  It makes him happy and I enjoy the time with him but this is something he has never done before.

I know my anger is related to me being stressed, depressed and anxious. Why shouldn't I be?  I have about 10 days to be out of my home.  I am not fully packed.  I have no help in getting packed.  I have no place to put my stuff even if it was packed.  I am not sure what I will be able to take with me.  I have no idea where we are going and I am worried we will be homeless.  I don't know who will be watching my children, how I am going to be able to pay for it and how/when I am going to be able to start my new job.   There are just so many things in the air. I may need to see a doctor for something to help me control the stress and anger.  This is a lot to be going through!

Hiding!

John came over for his two hours of visiting the children tonight and I left the house.  I took off in my car and headed over to a local wi-fi hotspot and I am sitting in my car with the windows rolled down playing on my computer.  It is SO humid outside tonight!   LOL

I am just enjoying the quiet time here. I can get some work done on the blog.  I was busy today trying to make some phone calls and get some packing done.  The kids are SO curious!  I was out in the sun room area of our house trying to go through the boxes out there.  It is a lot of their baby stuff and the kids were having a great time!  I was able to pull some things out where I had hand prints or pictures of them when they were just little babies.  They were loving it...lol.  Called UCLA and I was told the doctor STILL had not finished reviewing Joseph's medical records so NO appointment!  Called the UMOM homeless shelter again but still no reply.  Called the   pulmonologists and got an appointment for Joseph but not until the end of the month.  It will cost me $70 to see him so I am waiting.  I need to start looking for specialists in the Phoenix area for the children and making appointments.  For many specialists there is at LEAST a two month wait to get in so I want to make sure I am on the ball.

Before I left the house I had been listening to the children screaming for the last 90 minutes.  I did not stop it because it was happy screaming...lol.  They were having fun.  Joseph was on a small ride-on toy, Margaret was in a large dump truck and James was on his scooter board.  They were all pushing themselves around the "track" in my house and chasing one another.  One would scream and another would scream in reply.  It was hard on the ears but I am glad they were having fun.

Earlier today one of the things James mentioned to me was Shawn. James said Shawn is Daddy's friend.  So I asked if Shawn was a girl or boy and James said she was a girl.  So I asked if Shawn was little like James or big like Mommy and James said, "Big like you silly!"   So I texted John...

Me: Who is Shawn? Boy, girl, work friend, church friend or what?
John: Why are you concerned?
Me: Because he knows a lot about them and you have not mentioned them.  Just as I am sure you would be curious if the situation was reversed.
John: Not particularly.
Me: If she is someone you are seeing then you should just say so.
John: It is not.  It is A friend from church.

Notice he does not say if Shawn is a boy or girl.  He does not tell me much.  It seems to me if he was interested in getting back together with me he would be forthright.  Also am I SO out of line for wanting to know the people who are around my children when I am not there?

Tonight I have to go to bed early.  I have to roll out of bed at 5am and get the kids out of the house by 5:30am.  I have an appointment for Joseph to have his blood drawn at 6am.  This way he will not be starving for too long since this is a fasting thing.  It will be a LONG day tomorrow!  Hopefully the children will want to nap.  One can dream....

Where Do I Go From Here?

So here is the second part of the post I was promising.  In this post I want to talk about family and commitment.  I had been married once before.  He is the father of my oldest children.  We could not make the marriage last.  We were both the oldest child in the family and wanted control in the marriage.  In dating again I was looking for a man who was willing to let me be in charge.  I found John.  He was the baby of his family and he seemed like he did not mind me being in charge.  I thought we were so compatible. We thought the same things at the same time and often said the same things at the same time.  When he was not with me I ached to be with him.  When he was with me my life was filled with fun and laughter. The inscription inside his wedding ring says, "You are my life, my love, my soulmate."  I meant every word it when we got married.  

We had problems in our marriage.  Don't get me wrong.  I found several instance where John had lied to me about things and I got very upset.  In the end I forgave him and we moved on.  As I said I thought things were good in our marriage (for the most part) for the first seven years.  I often felt so close to John that I could not stand to be away from him. After the birth of the babies all of that changed.

John used to tell me he loved me and would never leave.  I did not want to leave either.  I had made a commitment to be married and spend the rest of my life together with him and that was my plan.  After the children were born we fought a lot.  The stress of taking care of the children coupled with never having any money was taking a HUGE toll on us and the teen children.  The teen children left.  How could I blame them?  I wanted to leave and so did John...lol.  We did not have that choice though.

We tried to stay together but things only worsened.  When we moved back to Vegas John began work with the school district he met a woman we will call Monica.  She is married and has 7 children.  The two of them quickly became friends.  John was out all the time and I was left home with the children.  I would ask him about his day and all I would hear about is Monica.  Monica this...Monica that...She is great...She has the best ideas.  What I saw was me losing my best friend to some woman named Monica.  I tried to say something but I was told there was nothing going on between them. That might have been true physically but she has essentially become the emotional wife and I was the wife who kept the children and cleaned the house.    

As much as it hurt me to lose my best friend.  The person who made me smile and laugh (crying now just thinking about it) I was willing to stay married and live in the same house together.  John did his best to make my life miserable.  He told me later that he was trying to make me leave.  I had been asking for both of us to go to marriage counseling but John said I would need to change first before he would consider that.  I said I did not understand.  The point of marriage counseling, I thought, was to try and work on things together so we can bring ourselves back together and then make changes together. 

As much as I have threatened to leave and even go as far as filing for divorce I did not want to leave.  I wanted John to change.  I wanted him to be happy again.  To be the fun person I remembered.  For us to be close again.  He changed all right.  He changed into a person who thinks he no longer needs me.  When I got married I wanted to live the rest of my life with him.  I was willing to make that happen.  The children need us!  Not just me.  Not just him. James in particular has me worried.  He is SO attached to John!  Right now John comes over a few nights a week from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.  He sees the children and then puts them to bed.  When he does not come James, being autistic and liking routine, gets REALLY upset!  He has been crying at me when I tell him that daddy is not coming tonight.  I have to comfort him as best I can.

Now that I am having to move and accept a job in Phoenix the kids will only get to see John twice a month.  Once a month John is planning to come to Phoenix and I once a month I will drive the children up to Las Vegas.  The drive is 5 to 5.5 hours each way.  That will be the ONLY time the children will get to see John.  The drive will be tough on Margaret because that is longer than she can really travel in a car per day.  It is also going to be SO tough on James.  I am going to try and get him into therapy as soon as I can.  Otherwise I worry he will not make the transition well.  James is SO dependent on routine that he waits and watches the clock everyday until three o'clock rolls around so he can call John.  He calls him all most right at three o'clock every day!  He get SO excited running around the house screaming, "I can call daddy now.  I have to call and text daddy!"

The children need us. I want to work things out and I feel as though John does not.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  We cannot even seem to talk to one another anymore.  He comes over.  I don't talk really and either does he.  He says I should be the one to initiate things.  In some ways I understand this but on my end I was to be with someone who wants me and that no longer seems to be the case. I think I have lost my soulmate.  For now I am stuck in limbo.

We are still married.  I will be moving to Phoenix with the children.  I have asked to do couples therapy with him to try and work out our issues but I am not sure how this is going to happen now.  I don't how the children and I are going to make it but we have to.  John has not volunteered to do anything to help.  He has not asked if I would like for him to take the children an extra day, pay for a storage room, help buy moving supplies, help me pack, or ANYTHING involved with the move.  I broke down and asked him to take the children for me next Saturday so I can get moving and packing done.  He asked when.  I said all day would be nice but what ever you can do.  He said he would take them from 9am to 6pm.  I was hoping he would keep them overnight but I will take what I can get. 

So far it is just me and the babies.  No friends have been able to help me pack or move.  No family.  No John.  With my hand still having a lot of pain with the carpel tunnel surgery I am in trouble.  Worse case scenario I am going to try and pack what I can and them call Goodwill to come and pick up the rest.  I have had friends tell me I am a good person and something will happen.  Someone will help.  We will be ok.  I tell them I am sure they are right but secretly, in my heart, I know bad things happen to good people all the time.  I may be no different.

Got to go and pack what I can...

As a friend on Facebook said,
Dear life,
I have only just read the terms and conditions AND the small print of our contract.
May I say, what a crafty little *!?@$^%!* you are!

Living in Flux and Eating Bon Bons

At the moment I think it would take me less time to tell you, my reader, the few things that are the same in my life but I am going to try and cover as many as I can in the post.  First is my living arrangement.  My husband, since he has dropped the divorce, is still out of the house the kids and I live in.  With the money I am getting from John along with the what little money I am getting from SSI I am not able to cover all my bills.  So I have been applying for jobs all over the country.  The way things are looking are: 1) move back in with John (which he does not want and really, neither do I)  (2) become homeless (not literally but I would be stuck in a cheap hotel) or (3) find a job.

For me getting a job would be great because I would LOVE to have a job and make my own money. This is especially true if I am able to land a job that is related to what I have been slaving over graduate school for the last two years. On that note, I have had two interviews.  One for the State and another for the Federal government.  I would LOVE to have either job!  They are both in my field and are RIGHT in line with the master's degree I have been working towards for the last two years.  I am hoping to hear something soon.

In the meantime I am trying to hang on to my house in Vegas.  Moving the children is hard on them.  I would like to just move once, for my job, than move several times.  On that note though I had an interesting development on Monday.  John had dropped off the children on Sunday and talked about how much they had loved attending church and what a great time everyone had.  I was happy for them all but I told John that  he could not take the children to church (an in return Sunday class) after school started.  He just looked at me.  I said he could not do that because of the risk of exposure to Joseph for respiratory diseases.  Then he said that I was asking him to give up church.  I said I was not.  I was just asking him not to go to church every other Sunday morning when he had the children.  Otherwise he was free to go to church as much as he liked.  He could go Sunday night, Wednesday night, Tuesday night for his group stuff and every other Sunday morning.  He was upset with me but I thought that was going to be the end of the story.

On Monday evening he comes by to see the children and to put them to bed.  When he comes in he says he has some good news.  I am think that sounds promising.  Then he says, "Well, I think it is good news but I am not sure you will think so."  At that moment I KNEW I was about to be PISSED off.  I did not even bother looking at him.  I just waited for him to say what he was going to say.  He tells me that he had called Joseph's pulmonologist without my knowledge and spoke to him over the phone.  He said he wanted to take Joseph to church and asked for clearance to do it.  The part of this story that boggles my mind the most is that the pulmonologist gave John the clearance without seeing Joseph!!!  So when I looked at John and said I would like to see some proof he smiled and pulled out a note on a prescription pad note that said Joseph could go to church.  To say I was angry would be a gross understatement!  I yelled at John.  He said he did not understand why I would not be happy that Joseph could go more places.  I asked him if he had even been aware of what was going on in the past year.  How could he really?  He spent most of his time away to avoid me and somewhat the children!  When he was home we rarely spoke.

I tried to calm down and explain it to John again.  Joseph has MANY medical issues and his hypotonia, narrow trachea, tracheomalacia and low weight make ANY respiratory illness for him dangerous.  Then John pointed out the 4 colds that Joseph has had in the last two years.  Yes, Joseph has had four colds and recovered from all of them well.  I told him that was not the point.  During the winter all sorts of nasty stuff floats around including the flu and RSV.  THAT is what I am concerned about.  John asked why I was getting so upset.  It was not like he was sick or something.  I told him not yet but in my opinion he was playing Russian roulette with our son's health.  I was SO angry that I had to leave.   I could not stay in my house any longer.

The next day I called the pulmonologist's office.  They want NOTHING more to do with me now because of this crap.  I called and told them that John and I were separated and he did this behind my back.  I wanted to know what was going on.  The nurse said John had called and left a message for clearance for Joseph on Monday.  His doctor gave it to him but did not know the entire story like John placed Joseph into a child care class with 4 or 5 other one to two year olds.  I said with John doing that I might as well just place Joseph in a daycare or school myself.  The nurse said John did not mention this.  The clearance for church was for Joseph to attend church and sit beside John in the auditorium and NOT for him to be in any sort of class with children.  The doctor's office was NOT happy to be informed that they were being used in this power play John was pulling and threatened not to see Joseph any more.  SO NOT PLEASED WITH JOHN!!!

The next day I told John I called up the pulmonologist's office to get clarification on what was going on.  I said he could take Joseph to church, which I did not agree with, but he would HAVE to keep Joseph with him.  Then John gets completely mad at me and says a lot of things but the one that hurt the most was telling me to leave.  I want to stay and work out things with him but with him going behind my back and putting Joseph's health at risk along with his attitude I am not sure I can.  He basically said I would not allow him to parent and he was basically just money and a babysitter to me so I should leave and go to California.

I did not know what to say really.  I did yell at him about saying he was babysitting for me.  I said he was taking his time with his children and NOT babysitting for me.  What a joke!  So we argued about that and I said he can give up his rights to see the children whenever he wanted and I would keep them.  I did not need him to "babysit" and I would just keep them.  Then he got defensive and said I could not keep him from seeing his children.  Yet, apparently, if he takes them, then he is babysitting for me.  WHATEVER!!!   So when I have the children am I babysitting for him???  How absurd!!!

So now our relationship is strained and he has told me to go.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I guess this is just another problem I will have to wait and see how it plays out.  Then there is school.  I have my last class I am suppose to take.  I started the class August 6th but I dropped out on the 19th so I could get a 100% tuition refund.  I just found out that I will not be able to sign up for the class again until December.  In some ways this is good.  There is a REALLY good chance I will be moving (for work or to California), having to set up the kids services again, get settled into a job (hopefully), find someone to play wife for me (cleaning house and taking care of ALL of the children's activities), do research on my topic for my paper AND most importantly figure out HOW to collect data and write a research paper in the SHORT time frame of my class.   You know, I have nothing going on really.  I just sit around and eat bon bons.

Today it has RAINED, RAINED and RAINED!  I even had the feeding therapist tell me NOT to come to therapy session today because there were wide spread reports of flooding and their parking lot was flooded.  I have never had a therapist cancel my appointment!  The roof in the house has a leak and I have had to empty a large bowl three times.  The most water I had ever had in the bowl was 3/4 full.  I think the rain has finally died off.  It was a nice break though from all the heat and sunshine.

So that basically all going on in my life.  I guess I could talk about the lack of money (had to sell my sofa), lack of food in the house (I will be eating popcorn for dinner. Kids ALWAYS get feed!), the air conditioner in my van does not always work and the brakes need to be fixed, or that I have NO idea how I am going to get the money to move.  I shall not worry though.  Those problems can wait until tomorrow and I will go back now to eating my bon bons...lol.
















 

The Fall of Michelle

I was sitting at Dim Sum earlier today feeling bad for myself. I like Dim Sum but it is truly a social event. There were tables and tables of people sitting around me but I was sitting alone. I felt a profound loneliness. I miss my older children SO much. I have missed my little children since they have been gone after the surgery on my hand. I miss having adult company and more importantly friends. I don't know why I have such a problem finding friends. When I find a friend my friends typically stay a friend of mine for a LONG time. I just wish I could find more friends.

I decided to treat myself to Dim Sum today to have a bit of time to think about my life. It was about 7 years ago that I was happily married (at least I thought I was) and that year I worked professionally and so did my husband. We made close to $90,000 that year. It was a good year. Then we had the babies. I had to leave my federal government job in 2007. I got a few job offers in 2008 but with the traumatic birth of the children, the life-and-death status of Joseph and the lack of sleep there was NO way I was going to be able to go back to work. John was unemployed too. He was finally able to get a job in Alabama but not as a teacher due to credential problems.

When job was offered a job back in Nevada we went back to Las Vegas. I regret ever leaving but that is done now. After getting back to Las Vegas I have been applying for jobs over and over again but I have not had ANY job offers. Before 2007 I would be able to send out my resume to 5 companies and I would have at least 2 jobs offers. In the last two years alone I have applied to HUNDREDS of jobs and I have received only FIVE calls for interviews! The last interview was for a job in Phoenix and so far no hiring decisions have been made. I am keeping my fingers crossed because I SERIOUSLY need a job.

John may have made a move to patch up things in out marriage we are still in a VERY strained position. John has his own place so is not helping to maintain my place any longer. Rent for July was not paid (this is the month he left and we were fighting) and the money I got from SSI was 1/2 of what I had been getting since John had his biggest paychecks right before he left and there is a 2 month lag for when you get paid from SSI. I am not sure how much money I will get our of SSI after John gives me my allotment of basically child support. Hopefully he will give me the money but he may not. In the meantime I have told my landlady I will leave by mid-September. I could stay and make he evict me but she is a SUPER nice lady and I do not want to treat her that way.

John has not offered to let me stay with him. I have NO idea what I will do if I lose my house. Essentially I will be homeless. At Dim Sum I was disheartened by the fact that in 7 relatively short years I went from a home making about $90K a year to all most being homeless. Having the children has financially ruined my life but I LOVE them and they are one of the only joys in my life at the moment. I just have to figure out how to bounce back from the loss of my jewelry (my only asset besides my car)and find a job. I may have fallen but I will rise again. I am too much of a fighter to give up!

Last day of July....

And boy am I GLAD to see July come to an end!

Since John left I had to take care of the children by myself. After John telling me he was leaving it was an emotional weekend with no room to take a breathe and gather myself. On Monday, July 9th, Margaret had an appointment at the dentist. That was JUST the start of one of the WORST days of my ENTIRE LIFE!!! She had pointed out to me her front left tooth was loose (thanks to Yo Gabba Gabba...lol). With the recent abscess from Joseph's dead front teeth I was concerned. So poor Dr. Sina was the dentist we went to see. Margaret did pretty well for her during the exam part. She sat in the dental chair and cried VERY little! I was SO proud of her!

All was going well until the dental assistant went to take a couple of x-rays of her front teeth. Margaret gagged a little but not too bad. I thought I was in the clear. She got up from the dental chair and ran over to me. She had a pale pallor to her skin and I was concerned. I called to her but she detoured at the last minute and headed to a narrow hallway where the appointment setter works. She stops suddenly and projectile vomits. Two bad things about this. One is that I fed her 90 minutes earlier and she should not have been able to vomit so much. The second problem was the appointment setter gets ill easily and he RAN out of the reception area. I felt sorry for her. Luckily Margaret missed vomiting on her clothes and she only got a small amount on her shoes. That was perfect since it was easy to clean her up.

Then I left there and had appointments at two different attorneys to discuss my impending divorce. The first attorney I went to said I had an excellent case to gain sole custody of my children. I was pleased and I liked the attorney well enough. The second attorney was was heading across town to make the second appointment I called the office only to be told they could not see me. Sigh! So I turned the car around and headed home. I make it home at about 2pm after leaving the house at 9am. I arrived home and opened the front door using my key. I walk in and the children go in. They did not want to stay outside because it was SUPER hot that day. The next thing I know I hear James say the TV is gone. I was talking to my friend as I walked in the door and I walk over to where the TV sits and I see it is gone. My first though was that John came back and took the TV. Then I walk back to my bedroom and I see my jewelry box sitting out on my bed instead of being at the top of my closet. ALL the jewelry was gone! Including the jewelry that was in a baby wipe container that held my nicest jewelry. I easily lost $7,000 in jewelry that I had collected over 20 years AND the inheritance of my children. I called the police and at first I was mad. As I was filling out the missing property report I could not think. Most of the jewelry I had not worn in YEARS because of the babies. Then I started to cry. I was so stressed out that night and I was scared to sleep at home. Who ever did this has to either live close to my house or goes by it on a regular basis. That is how they knew I was gone but for someone just to hit my house for the jewelry and my TV they must have been in here before or know me. That was ALL that was taken. My laptop was left behind, my prescription pills and some other moderately valued electronic stuff that was small.

Then to round out the day my husband was trying to force (or at least I felt that way) me to agree to divorce stipulations that I was not happy with. I went to speak to his friend that evening with him and I had to start my car. It was not wanting to start. It was 114 degrees outside and the car was acting like it was fried. I tried to start it again and it did start but then the air conditioner did not work, the odometer (electric) did not work and neither did the speedometer. It was tough to drive 30 minutes across town with Margaret, Joseph and myself in a van with no A/C in 144 degree heat. When we got there I was lightly sunburned and we were all beet red due to the heat. By the time our discussion with John's friend ended thankfully my car had cooled and so had the weather so my car started right up and everything worked. I was grateful for that small miracle after such a tragic and awful day!

July 10th it was MY turn at the dentist. I have a MAJOR problem now with getting dental work because I seem not to be able to numb up with lidocaine. This makes ALL dental work at least kinda painful. I was able to convince John to take the children for part of the day for the first time since he left. I was a welcome relief from them but getting dental work cancelled that out...lol. The dentist knows of my problem and made sure he numbed me up SUPER well. I had enough lidocaine that my face was numb up to my eyes. It felt WEIRD! I had two cavities drilled and refilled. They were both large. They stated out as tiny pinprick cavities 20 years ago and now the tooth is all most gone. The next time I will have to get crowns on the teeth. :( I also had two teeth sealed. They will probably be the ONLY two teeth I have when I am old! LOL At the end of the drilling I was feeling the dentist drill. It was not too bad though. It took until the end of the day for all the lidocaine to wear off! When I got home the children were wondering what was wrong with me...lol.

On Wednesday July 11th I had feeding therapy for Joseph and while I was in the area I had an appointment with another divorce attorney. John was telling me I did not have a good case for the divorce and I thought I did. I went to another attorney to get another opinion. The last attorney told me the same thing. I had a good case. That made me relieved.

On the 12th I only had therapy for Margaret and Joseph. It was a nice break compared to the other days. July 13th John took the children for the weekend for the first time. It was nice. So Saturday I had an appointment with the Aveda school and got my hair done. It was SO nice. I needed that SO bad after all the stress of the divorce, the break-in of my home, and having the children for awhile without much of a break.

I got the children back Sunday evening and on Monday I had a WIC appointment but I could not make it to the recertification appointment. Tuesday the 17th I did not have any appointments. Thanks goodness! On the 18th Joseph had an appointment with Dr. Sina, the dentist, to clean the heavy tarter build-up on his back teeth. The tarter is so heavy because he does not chew food so the teeth do not have the tarter scraped off of them. So I took him in for his cleaning. He did SO good in sitting in the chair. When the dentist came in I sat Joseph in the dental chair, James in a small child's chair and Margaret in the stroller. I thought this was a good idea but I was horribly wrong! As the dentist started to clean Joseph's teeth Margaret became upset. I saw her stick her hands into her mouth and then the next thing I know she vomited EVERYWHERE! Vomit was in her hair, down her shirt, on her pants and she filled the bottom of the stroller with vomit so the back of her pants were soaked too. I was not prepared for that by ANY means! NEVER though she would get sick with Joseph having the dental appointment!

I had to go and leave Joseph alone while I took Margaret and James to the bathroom and try to clean up all the mess. I was able to get her shirt off without getting more barf in her hair. I rinsed out her hair and then I tried to tackle her clothes. I rinsed them off in the sink using soap and water. By the time I got everything clean her shirt and pants were completely soaked and there was no hand dryer in the bathroom not to mention that a hand dryer would have completely upset Margaret. So I did the only thing I could do. I dumped the barf in the stroller out and then tried to rinse the stroller in the sink but that was not going to happen...lol. Just would not fit. :/ I had to walk Margaret out of the dentist office with just her shoes and diaper on...LOL! The dentist was kind enough to offer me a gown for her but I said I was not worried about it. We only had a short way to walk to the car and then I was going to strap her in and take her to the house to get more clothes. I had JUST enough time to get home, grab clothes for her and then race across town to Joseph's feeding appointment. I just made it in time to walk through the door by the time I got Margaret into her change of clothes. What a wild day! By the time I got back out to my car the stroller I had rinsed out and her clothes were making my car reek of barf due to the warm weather. I was GLAD to get home! I got the clothes into the washing machine and the stroller I set up outside and then used the hose and some dish soap to get it clean. Then I left it in the sun for two days to make sure the smell would be gone.

That evening John came over and stayed so he could take me to watch the children because on July 19th I went to have carpal tunnel surgery done on my right hand. I have been having carpal tunnel issues for the last 20 years but it had gotten so bad that I could not drive, fill out a form, sew on a button or do anything that required me to grip something without my hand falling asleep. I had been tough! So I hoped surgery would solve my problem. I dove myself to the surgery center EARLY in the morning. I get there and I am nervous. I was able to settle my nerves until the nurses were trying to put an IV into the back of my hand. I just do not have good veins there especially on my left hand. So they stuck me once and it did not work so another nurse tried. She got blood but it would not flow. She was moving the needle around and I cried out in pain and starting crying. They think they were on a valve. I don't know besides it was SUPER painful so they stopped. All most the ENTIRE back of my hand was bruised for a week. The anesthesiologist came out and stuck me in my arm and got it at once. I was glad there was NO more torture!

I was wheeled in and got on the surgical bed. The anesthesiologist knocked me out. I work up later. The surgery was really short. My hand was wrapped up and I was woozy that first day but otherwise I felt fine. The next day I watched the children for a few hours while John took a nap. The children have been gone for the most part. I have had them over on Thursday and Sunday nights so that John can get up early and go workout with his trainer. Then I kept the children for 4 hours the day after my surgery, I kept them for another 4 hours one day after John got back from working out and Saturday (28th) I kept the children all most all day (10am to 7:30pm). By Saturday John was starting to beg for mercy from the children. I love the little munchkins so much but the can wear you out. I asked John if he understood why I could not do school work at night after taking care of the children all day and he said yes so I agreed to take the children on Saturday. :) I have an appointment with the hand doctor on August 1. Recovery for my carpal tunnel surgery has been difficult and I have had a lot of pain in my hand. Even now I have pain often when I move my thumb. It hurts. I am hoping he will say it is all normal and will heal great. I did have the surgeon tell me that my surgery went well and the carpal tunnel was under extreme compression. I am hoping I got the surgery done in time to keep permanent damage from happening to my nerves in my hand.

To wrap things up on the divorce end John and I are going to try and work things out so currently the divorce has been dropped. We will go the couples therapy and see if we can stay together because having disabled surviving quads we will probably ALWAYS have to deal with each other until we die. It would be easier to do that if we were able to stay together and work in unison for the children than work against one another.

Still grateful the month of July has ended! One of the worst months of my life!