What Are Your Odds?

The Powerball has been driving many people into a frenzy! I don't blame them! I feel the same way. I even spent $4 on a ticket.   The jackpot is reported to be up to 900 million dollars! Yes, you saw that right! It is all most to one BILLION dollars!
Here in my home state of Arizona it is said you would get $347 million after taxes as a lump sum or deal with $18 million dollar payouts for the next 30 years!

A friend found posted in her local paper the odds of winning the jackpot is huge and unlikely! There are things a LOT more likely to happen to you than winning the lottery.  You can see the list on the left. What tickled me is the odds of giving birth to quadruplets is 1 in 729,000.  I had slightly more chance of being killed by an asteroid strike than having been pregnant with my babies.

If I had beat those odds, maybe the Powerball will be easy???  LOL

Good Luck to you and may you win! If you do win, call me!  ;)

I've Been Slacking!

I freely admit it that I have been slacking lately with keeping up with the blog.  In my defense I have not been feeling very well.  For the last four months I have not felt well and things have been getting worse.  I have been complaining for the last year that my hair has been falling out and it is so bad not I can see my scalp through my bangs.  I have been battling chronic anemia since the birth of the babies but I have no idea why.  I take iron pills until I am good and a few months after I stopped I would be anemic again.  So I went to my primary doctor and discussed with her my issues.  She was not helpful because she told me to see a series of specialists. The dermatologist said it would not be something she could help me with.  I have gone to a GI doctor.  After being invaded in all sorts of ways that would make an alien abduction story sound tame the GI doctor determined I do not have issues with gluten, lactose, or have an ulcer.  I thought I had an ulcer with all the symptoms I have including the chronic anemia.  I was wrong.  So what's my problem...why do I have the chronic anemia?  So far, who knows?  I also do not know what to think about my hair.  So I have have several other appointments lined up.  One with a hematologist and an endocrinologist.  Hope to find an answer with someone.

Thanksgiving Day 2013

As for the children.  Well, they are far more interesting to talk about and I would guess that is why most people read the blog!  Near Thanksgiving I had all the children lose at least one tooth. It was VERY cute.  I love the picture I took of all of them smiling.  Joseph has both of him front teeth missing.  He had those pulled out when he was at the dentist in Las Vegas.  Then Margaret has lost her left, top front tooth.  James lost his top, left tooth that day!  Very cute!  Lots of smiles and not as much teeth!  Thanksgiving was a nice time.  We had moved into our new house near central Phoenix. I had Maddi, Dimitri and Jerrin all here at that time.  It really was a nice Thanksgiving!

I will have to cover the children's 6th birthday some other time. 

Christmas was a stressful time.  We were running VERY low on money.  I was back logged in bills and struggling to support everyone one in the house.  My oldest son was helping out too.  He had taken a part-time job at FedEx and was helping out with food and bills in the house.  Jerrin soon left after Christmas. He went back home to the 16 year old he was seeing (he is 21).  I cannot help but say what is in my heart...they do not belong together.  Because of that I did not keep my mouth closed and told Jerrin what I thought.  In doing so cost my relationship with him.  If that is how things need to be right now then that is the case.  It breaks my heart but I understand he is following his heart.  I just cannot support in that endeavor at the moment.

New Years was quiet.  John and I enjoyed our 14th wedding anniversary.  It was nice to have a little time alone.  By the end of January Maddi and Dimitri had moved out.  I hated to see them go.  I really did.  John and Dimitri were seeming to argue or have some sort of issue most every day.  I honest think John was the cause of a lot of the issues.  I don't think he meant to be but subconsciously I think he wanted to have the house to himself.  After Maddi and Dimitri left John and I were coasting along but things were tense.

We were finally able to find someone to do rehab.services for the Margaret and Joseph.  We also found someone to give us some respite.  So in the 18 months I have been here I have only been successful in getting rehab. services and some respite set up along with a little intermittent physical therapy services.  My children need so many other therapy services and I just cannot find service providers here.  Just getting into some doctors too can be a chore.  I have been trusting John to handle those duties and I have been trying not to interfere but it is getting harder.  I know I need to get the children in to see doctors and specialists and the time is running out for me to have "good" insurance and the appointments are SO far out into the future!

My time is running out because I think the plan is for us to return to Las Vegas.  John and I both like it there more.  I can get the therapy services I need for the children easier.  The therapy services, especially at this age, is significantly more important than them seeing doctors.  I know Joseph is a medical mystery.  We are still at a lost.  In Joseph's recent deep muscle biopsy test and lumbar puncture we still did not find answers. Joseph's test from the lumbar puncture did not show cerebral folate deficiency.  That was good news.  In the muscle biopsy test on the other hand did not show me what I wanted.  The purpose of the muscle biopsy was to test for some of the more "common" forms of mitochondrial disease.  Oh course, Joseph tested negative for all of those.  That does not mean there was nothing found that was unusual in his biopsy!  Joseph showed an increase in positivity for acid phosphatase and he showed abnormal storage of lipids (fats) in his muscle tissue.  Not enough for the pathologist to be able to diagnose a specific disease but enough for it to abnormal.  In the end the pathologist said he could not exclude mitochondrial disease (because there are other forms that cannot be tested but are determined by ruling out other diseases) but said Joseph should be examined for an "unspecific" (the pathologist's word and it means he could not point to any one disease because Joseph's symptoms were not severe enough) metabolic disease and genetic testing.  Ironically, I have done the genetic testing.  Nothing was found there.  That does not mean I would not revisit the genetic testing again.  Tests do change and improve.  Metabolic disease on the other hand is not something we have thoroughly investigated.  Joseph has had abnormal blood work that points to possible metabolic disease but it has never been to the level that a doctor could point to some number and say....hum, looks like we have a problem with so-and-so disease.

I cannot state how frustrating it is to know something is wrong with your child.  You fight years and years to get specialist to see your child as something more than just a preemie that is having problems.  Once I finally got to Phoenix...that happened.  I have specialists here that agree with me. Something is wrong with Joseph.  As to what that is, it even has the specialists here stumped.  All I want is to know what is wrong and if there is anything I can do to help Joseph reach his maximum potential.

Sigh, okay, enough venting about Joseph and his team of doctors.

John and I had a really nice Valentine's Day.  We got to go out on a real date and have a nice time.  I was worried that things would not go well for us since I knew there were relationship issues we had to discuss but we had such a nice time.   We did not do the things we wanted to on Valentine's Day because the relationship stuff turned out to be a HUGE topic and pretty productive discussion overall.  Currently John and I feel closer to each other than we have in years.  I am happy right now and so is he. I wasn't sure if we could have happiness like that again but it seems like we can.  I think it has been helpful to have all the twenty-somethings I had in my house gone. This has allowed John and I to be more ourselves.  To have our time alone in the evening and the space to fight (and/or make up...LOL) as we wish is rather priceless.

Okay, now that I am caught up I will work on keeping the blog more up to date.  Having a desktop really motivates me to write!

Is It Sunday All Ready?

When the children are not here my weekends fly by SO fast!!!  I was packing last night for while and I got side tracked.  As I was pulling out boxes and looking through things I found a brown manila envelope.When I looked into it I started to cry.  I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this packet of information the hospital sent me regarding Martha's death.  It had her record of birth, baptism certificate, hand and footprints, snippet of her hair and some pictures the NICU nurses took of her.  I cried and cried.  I don't remember ever seeing these pictures.  I might not have until now.  I got the envelope just after she passed away and it was just too much for me to deal with.  Her hand prints are so tiny a half dollar would easily cover them up. She was just so small.  They all were at birth! I included one of the pictures the nurses took on Martha's page.   I spent the rest of my evening crying and scanning in the pictures and documents.



At the start of the weekend John had asked me for some more Pedisure for Joseph  and Margaret.  I said ok.  I gave him one case of the Pedisure.  That is 4 6-packs.  He took my car this weekend since I was not ready to move.  So I was left with his car.  The front and back seats were FULL of stuff.  The floorboard of the passenger's side of the car was filled with food trash up to the height of the seat.  When I stopped to fill up his car I cleaned the floorboard out.  I filled up the trash can at the gas station!  Then I filled up his car with gas.  The total came to about $50. I thought it was no big deal since I would just ask him to pay me for the gas that was left in the car when I gave it back to him.  I ran around town and on Sunday I went to the grocery store to get what groceries I could on WIC and pick up a few other things.  One of the WIC items is the 30 6-packs of Pedisure.  I got it from the store and went to put the 7.5 cases in John's car.  I opened John's trunk and I find 2 cases and a 6-pack of Pedisure in there.  I have him that Pedisure over a month ago.  So that means the milk-based Pedisure has been in his trunk, in the heat, for the last month.  I would not feed it to the children!  So he has ruined 9 6-packs of the Pedisure.  That makes me SO mad when he knows we will be losing WIC in December because the children will turn 5 years old. I cannot afford to buy the Pedisure myself.  It costs about $10 per 6-pack!  So he essentially wasted $90.  It makes me SO mad I am thinking about asking him to pay me the money so I can go buy some more!  Plus what has John been feeding Margaret and Joseph over the last two months when they have been over there?

Then tonight I forgot to talk to him about the gas in his car. I message him.  I ask him for $25 since I left a little more than half a tank of gas in the car.  At first he did not believe me that I put it in there.  I showed him the charge on my account.  Then he tried to tell me I made a "poor decision" by putting the gas in the car.  What "poor decision" did I make?  Trusting that he would be fair and pay me the money for the gas left in his car?  He did finally agree to give me the money but he is not going to pay me now.  He said I would have to wait until his next pay check.  Why is that?  He would have had to put money in his car for gas to get to work.  Now I have to wait when he knows I do not have money?  Whatever! Last time I try to do something nice.  I will just leave him his car in the condition I found it. If it's empty I will leave it empty.

This week I have to be more productive in packing but that should be easier because we really do not have any more doctor or therapy appointments.  We have the blood draw EARLY in the morning on Tuesday but otherwise I think our week is pretty clear this week. I will be lining things up for the garage sale.  Got to sale what I can for the money!

Thursday night when John came over to see the children I told him about Joseph having a lump on the back of his neck (swollen lymph node), foul smelling breath and sore on his bottom gum under the front teeth we had pulled.  He never even asked how Joseph was doing or what was going on!  I took Joseph to the dentist on Friday at noon.  I was smart this time and took a change of clothes for Margaret remembering how she vomited all over the place last time I took her to the dentist for Joseph's appointment.  We get there and Margaret crawls into the chair whining...lol.  The dental assistant and I told her to get out of the chair.  The assistant said, " Get out of the chair Margaret before you get sick."  LOL  I put Joseph in the chair. The dentist came in and looked at Joseph and she declared the sore in Joseph's mouth is a canker sore.  If you look at possible causes of canker sores it can be an autoimmune issues and/or a vitamin or mineral deficiency (iron, folic acid or vitamin B-12).  Very interesting when these are some of the symptoms I have mentioned before that concern me about Joseph.  Margaret did good too because she never got sick.  Makes me SO happy not to clean barf!

When I get the children from John tonight John said the kids were all fed and full.  I always fix them something to eat anyways but they rarely eat much.  Tonight I had fixed James a large cup of some Gatorade and Joseph and Margaret a bottle.  They immediately drank it.  I fixed them another cup and bottle.  They drank it too. I was surprised!  They seemed like they were dehydrated or something.  Then I asked James if he would like some pizza.  Papa Johns was running a special where you could buy $10 worth of stuff from them and then get a free large pizza.  What a great deal!  I was able to get two medium pizzas with three toppings and have the ability to get a large three topping pizza later for free.  Since James LOVES pizza I know this will make him happy!  I asked if he would like a slice of pizza.  He said yes.  I thought he would only eat one piece.  He ate the first piece and then asked for a second.  I was surprised but gave it to him.  He came back and asked for a THIRD piece!  I had given a slice to Margaret and she was not eating it so I told James he could have her slice.  The next thing I know James asked for a FOURTH piece!  I told him no!  I said he had three pieces and he had eaten as much as mommy had so he could have no more.  He was sad about it and argued for a bit but he gave up.  He had NEVER tried eating so much pizza before!  For someone who was suppose to have been fed he was starving!

When I went to change Margaret's and Joseph's diaper tonight they both have a red booty.  So I asked John what happened.  He said he had no idea.  I also asked why there was a large bruise on James' head.  I was told James was running around the house and ran into Joseph.  I am not sure where Joseph was bonked in the head but James was very evident with the huge bruise!

So in one weekend I get the children back and they seem dehydrated, hungry and bruised/rashes.  What in the world was John doing this weekend with the children???  It seems like they were neglected (at least today) and not being supervised very well.  I am glad to have them back home!

Bon Bons and Birthdays!

Money is not a problem until you don't have any ~ 

This is a quote by me....lol.  Having money is great but when you do not have enough of it life becomes tough.  I have a $400 electric bill that I have to pay.  I am going to make rent for September.  It made my landlord happy since I did not pay her for July and August because I just did not have the money. Currently everything is still on but no telling how long that will last.   I have asked several people for help financially but no luck so far. It sucks being poor.

 On a positive front I have been offered a job to work for the State of Arizona. Yea!!!  This is a great job for me.  There are logistical problems like paying for a sitter to watch my children, moving to Arizona in the first place, where will we live?  I do not start my job until the middle to end of October so I am actually thinking about living in a homeless shelter for a month or two.  I have to get money in first before I can pay anything out.  I don't know what I am going to do but that is another problem what will have to wait until tomorrow.  If I think about everything now then I will just get scared about this fantastic opportunity. 

I may be going to Arizona in the beginning of October because I need to get down there a bit early to scout things out and see what aid I can get for the children and myself.  For the first month or two we will be down there we will be DIRT poor.  Once I get going in my job and get a paycheck coming in then most things should straighten themselves out.  If anyone knows about disability services and such in Arizona please let me know!

In the meantime I will try to enjoy my bon bons because I have a lot to celebrate.  My birthday is coming up soon, right after the Labor Day weekend, so I am hoping to have a good time in Las Vegas before I have to leave my beloved city.  I am hoping I will learn to love Arizona as much as I have loved Vegas. 

Living in Flux and Eating Bon Bons

At the moment I think it would take me less time to tell you, my reader, the few things that are the same in my life but I am going to try and cover as many as I can in the post.  First is my living arrangement.  My husband, since he has dropped the divorce, is still out of the house the kids and I live in.  With the money I am getting from John along with the what little money I am getting from SSI I am not able to cover all my bills.  So I have been applying for jobs all over the country.  The way things are looking are: 1) move back in with John (which he does not want and really, neither do I)  (2) become homeless (not literally but I would be stuck in a cheap hotel) or (3) find a job.

For me getting a job would be great because I would LOVE to have a job and make my own money. This is especially true if I am able to land a job that is related to what I have been slaving over graduate school for the last two years. On that note, I have had two interviews.  One for the State and another for the Federal government.  I would LOVE to have either job!  They are both in my field and are RIGHT in line with the master's degree I have been working towards for the last two years.  I am hoping to hear something soon.

In the meantime I am trying to hang on to my house in Vegas.  Moving the children is hard on them.  I would like to just move once, for my job, than move several times.  On that note though I had an interesting development on Monday.  John had dropped off the children on Sunday and talked about how much they had loved attending church and what a great time everyone had.  I was happy for them all but I told John that  he could not take the children to church (an in return Sunday class) after school started.  He just looked at me.  I said he could not do that because of the risk of exposure to Joseph for respiratory diseases.  Then he said that I was asking him to give up church.  I said I was not.  I was just asking him not to go to church every other Sunday morning when he had the children.  Otherwise he was free to go to church as much as he liked.  He could go Sunday night, Wednesday night, Tuesday night for his group stuff and every other Sunday morning.  He was upset with me but I thought that was going to be the end of the story.

On Monday evening he comes by to see the children and to put them to bed.  When he comes in he says he has some good news.  I am think that sounds promising.  Then he says, "Well, I think it is good news but I am not sure you will think so."  At that moment I KNEW I was about to be PISSED off.  I did not even bother looking at him.  I just waited for him to say what he was going to say.  He tells me that he had called Joseph's pulmonologist without my knowledge and spoke to him over the phone.  He said he wanted to take Joseph to church and asked for clearance to do it.  The part of this story that boggles my mind the most is that the pulmonologist gave John the clearance without seeing Joseph!!!  So when I looked at John and said I would like to see some proof he smiled and pulled out a note on a prescription pad note that said Joseph could go to church.  To say I was angry would be a gross understatement!  I yelled at John.  He said he did not understand why I would not be happy that Joseph could go more places.  I asked him if he had even been aware of what was going on in the past year.  How could he really?  He spent most of his time away to avoid me and somewhat the children!  When he was home we rarely spoke.

I tried to calm down and explain it to John again.  Joseph has MANY medical issues and his hypotonia, narrow trachea, tracheomalacia and low weight make ANY respiratory illness for him dangerous.  Then John pointed out the 4 colds that Joseph has had in the last two years.  Yes, Joseph has had four colds and recovered from all of them well.  I told him that was not the point.  During the winter all sorts of nasty stuff floats around including the flu and RSV.  THAT is what I am concerned about.  John asked why I was getting so upset.  It was not like he was sick or something.  I told him not yet but in my opinion he was playing Russian roulette with our son's health.  I was SO angry that I had to leave.   I could not stay in my house any longer.

The next day I called the pulmonologist's office.  They want NOTHING more to do with me now because of this crap.  I called and told them that John and I were separated and he did this behind my back.  I wanted to know what was going on.  The nurse said John had called and left a message for clearance for Joseph on Monday.  His doctor gave it to him but did not know the entire story like John placed Joseph into a child care class with 4 or 5 other one to two year olds.  I said with John doing that I might as well just place Joseph in a daycare or school myself.  The nurse said John did not mention this.  The clearance for church was for Joseph to attend church and sit beside John in the auditorium and NOT for him to be in any sort of class with children.  The doctor's office was NOT happy to be informed that they were being used in this power play John was pulling and threatened not to see Joseph any more.  SO NOT PLEASED WITH JOHN!!!

The next day I told John I called up the pulmonologist's office to get clarification on what was going on.  I said he could take Joseph to church, which I did not agree with, but he would HAVE to keep Joseph with him.  Then John gets completely mad at me and says a lot of things but the one that hurt the most was telling me to leave.  I want to stay and work out things with him but with him going behind my back and putting Joseph's health at risk along with his attitude I am not sure I can.  He basically said I would not allow him to parent and he was basically just money and a babysitter to me so I should leave and go to California.

I did not know what to say really.  I did yell at him about saying he was babysitting for me.  I said he was taking his time with his children and NOT babysitting for me.  What a joke!  So we argued about that and I said he can give up his rights to see the children whenever he wanted and I would keep them.  I did not need him to "babysit" and I would just keep them.  Then he got defensive and said I could not keep him from seeing his children.  Yet, apparently, if he takes them, then he is babysitting for me.  WHATEVER!!!   So when I have the children am I babysitting for him???  How absurd!!!

So now our relationship is strained and he has told me to go.  I am not sure what I am going to do.  I guess this is just another problem I will have to wait and see how it plays out.  Then there is school.  I have my last class I am suppose to take.  I started the class August 6th but I dropped out on the 19th so I could get a 100% tuition refund.  I just found out that I will not be able to sign up for the class again until December.  In some ways this is good.  There is a REALLY good chance I will be moving (for work or to California), having to set up the kids services again, get settled into a job (hopefully), find someone to play wife for me (cleaning house and taking care of ALL of the children's activities), do research on my topic for my paper AND most importantly figure out HOW to collect data and write a research paper in the SHORT time frame of my class.   You know, I have nothing going on really.  I just sit around and eat bon bons.

Today it has RAINED, RAINED and RAINED!  I even had the feeding therapist tell me NOT to come to therapy session today because there were wide spread reports of flooding and their parking lot was flooded.  I have never had a therapist cancel my appointment!  The roof in the house has a leak and I have had to empty a large bowl three times.  The most water I had ever had in the bowl was 3/4 full.  I think the rain has finally died off.  It was a nice break though from all the heat and sunshine.

So that basically all going on in my life.  I guess I could talk about the lack of money (had to sell my sofa), lack of food in the house (I will be eating popcorn for dinner. Kids ALWAYS get feed!), the air conditioner in my van does not always work and the brakes need to be fixed, or that I have NO idea how I am going to get the money to move.  I shall not worry though.  Those problems can wait until tomorrow and I will go back now to eating my bon bons...lol.
















 

The Fall of Michelle

I was sitting at Dim Sum earlier today feeling bad for myself. I like Dim Sum but it is truly a social event. There were tables and tables of people sitting around me but I was sitting alone. I felt a profound loneliness. I miss my older children SO much. I have missed my little children since they have been gone after the surgery on my hand. I miss having adult company and more importantly friends. I don't know why I have such a problem finding friends. When I find a friend my friends typically stay a friend of mine for a LONG time. I just wish I could find more friends.

I decided to treat myself to Dim Sum today to have a bit of time to think about my life. It was about 7 years ago that I was happily married (at least I thought I was) and that year I worked professionally and so did my husband. We made close to $90,000 that year. It was a good year. Then we had the babies. I had to leave my federal government job in 2007. I got a few job offers in 2008 but with the traumatic birth of the children, the life-and-death status of Joseph and the lack of sleep there was NO way I was going to be able to go back to work. John was unemployed too. He was finally able to get a job in Alabama but not as a teacher due to credential problems.

When job was offered a job back in Nevada we went back to Las Vegas. I regret ever leaving but that is done now. After getting back to Las Vegas I have been applying for jobs over and over again but I have not had ANY job offers. Before 2007 I would be able to send out my resume to 5 companies and I would have at least 2 jobs offers. In the last two years alone I have applied to HUNDREDS of jobs and I have received only FIVE calls for interviews! The last interview was for a job in Phoenix and so far no hiring decisions have been made. I am keeping my fingers crossed because I SERIOUSLY need a job.

John may have made a move to patch up things in out marriage we are still in a VERY strained position. John has his own place so is not helping to maintain my place any longer. Rent for July was not paid (this is the month he left and we were fighting) and the money I got from SSI was 1/2 of what I had been getting since John had his biggest paychecks right before he left and there is a 2 month lag for when you get paid from SSI. I am not sure how much money I will get our of SSI after John gives me my allotment of basically child support. Hopefully he will give me the money but he may not. In the meantime I have told my landlady I will leave by mid-September. I could stay and make he evict me but she is a SUPER nice lady and I do not want to treat her that way.

John has not offered to let me stay with him. I have NO idea what I will do if I lose my house. Essentially I will be homeless. At Dim Sum I was disheartened by the fact that in 7 relatively short years I went from a home making about $90K a year to all most being homeless. Having the children has financially ruined my life but I LOVE them and they are one of the only joys in my life at the moment. I just have to figure out how to bounce back from the loss of my jewelry (my only asset besides my car)and find a job. I may have fallen but I will rise again. I am too much of a fighter to give up!

Gotta Laugh or You Will Cry

So I have not been on here a lot lately. I have been feeling really tired and school has been weighing me down. As a matter of fact I should be working on the 15 page paper I have due this Sunday but instead I have had to concern my day with the children. I get up and the children are awake. I stop by their room and tell them to wait for just a bit while I shower. I was gone for about 20 minutes so I could shower and get dressed. When I went back to their room and opened the door the first thing that hit me was the stench!

I open the door and there is poo smeared ALL over the floor of the room. James had made the mess and taken a couple of his toy trains and used them to smear the poop around. After a moment of yelling at them I had to start a bath and give James and Joseph a bath (Margaret got her bath yesterday). I still have not figured out how to get the poop off the trains. As for the floor I made James pick up the larger chunks of poop and then I made a token effort to try and clean up the mess but somewhere between the smell and the fact there were still pretty bad stains in the carpet I knew I met my match. I herded the children downstairs and called my favorite carpet cleaning people, Stanley Steemer, to see if they could come out and clean the mess. Thankfully they had an open appointment today and they are there now which is why I have time to write this post. After using a $25 off promo code (ANY25)I have the cost to clean and deodorize the bedroom and stairwell (from an earlier poop incident) was just a small $131 (sarcasm here people). With this, John and his ticket, car being towed and other issues I just feel like we are hemorrhaging money right now. And trust me when i say we DO NOT have money to be hemorrhaging!

Well the carpet cleaning guys have left and my house smells MUCH better. As least I can breathe in here again without gagging. Hopefully there will be no more poop smeared anywhere in the house....I hope! Off to work on my paper.....

One fundraising idea...

I have enabled ads on my blog. In two days I should have ads up. All I need is for the people who are visiting my blog to click on the ads. It may be annoying but it is a way for people to help me generate money for Joseph at no cost to them.

Something to think about at least. Oh, and while you are here, click on an ad...lol.