Playing Catch Up

Photo Credit: http://buckyandlouissa.tumblr.com

Tuesday December 11 - I was crying and worried about the CPS visit along with having to find a new nanny. I was worried about losing my job since I was going to have to take a lot of time off from work and I did

not have the time to take off. Having fired Bailey is HUGE! It will be VERY hard to replace her. I had asked John about coming back to Nevada where we could live with him and I could stay home again and take care of the children. John’s first reaction is that he said he did not think it was a good idea. He said he was not sure if he could be around the children. He did not think it would be good for him. (John read my blog and said he was referring to ME, his wife of all most 13 years, as the one he is not sure he can be around. Though this hurts my feelings it at least makes me feel better about our last conversation. )  

Wednesday December 12 – On my first day home I get a text from John about 10:30am. My comments are in parentheses. It said…

I have made a decision. I cannot have you move back to Vegas to live with me. If you could somehow move back to Vegas and live somewhere else, that would be great. I came to this decision based on a couple of things (Neither of these were the reason I got the day before involving the children). First, we can’t afford it. With my salary, we won’t qualify for SSI (since when? We did before? Did you get some big raise I do not know about?) I do not make enough money to support a family of five without a second income. No one I have ever talked to who is a teacher has children an lives on one income (then you have not talked to the right people. This is just you seeking validation from others for what you are doing.). Both parents work. The only way it would work is if you got a job and that would defeat the purpose (purpose of what? For both parents to be in one house? For James to see more of his father?...NOPE! Didn't even ask if I would work PT). As it stands now I do payday advances every month. And yes, I could get a roommate, and the roommate would provide me with additional income (I did mention that and then you could come and visit the children more. What does this have to do with the conversation too BTW?). If you came to live with me you would not have an income (Yes I would…SSI.) In addition, I have a two bedroom apartment. I am not willing to share a bedroom with you (I feel the same). You would have to sleep with the kids or I would have to sleep with the kids or one of us would have to sleep in the living room (OK, I will take the living room). Either way, this would be a temporary situation (Why? I am your wife and these are your children), but temporary to what? What is the end goal (to have stability for the children and I along with having James stop crying to me he wants to see you)? Us living together would be a transition, but what is on the other end of the transition (why do we have to leave?)? If your end goal is for us to get back together, I stopped reading your blog for a reason (why does this have to do with my blog?). Because it was hurtful (oh, get it now). Since going to counseling and CR, I have learned a few things about anger control (wished you had learned that years ago…maybe we would still be together now). Before mouthing back to someone, I ask myself three questions. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? You keep saying your blog is not a lie and you are right (so this means what I write is the truth…) . But is it necessary? To you it is. You have told me it is your place to “vent” but you vent at the cost of hurting my feelings (Let’s stop here and think about this. If you admitted my blog is the truth, you are hurt by my blog, then you are really hurt by the TRUTH. It is not my fault your actions hurt your feelings). You have never apologized for that (what? Speaking the truth. No, I have not). Nor should you (that sounds like a lie there. Otherwise why bring it up?). You are allowed to do whatever you want. I learned a long time ago I cannot control your thoughts and actions (but you did try really hard and when I did not follow along you punished me emotionally). I can only react to the things you do (the same here). So… because we can’t afford it (VERY WEAK argument) and this situation would be temporary … since you obviously still harbor a great deal of anger (yes but I asked for us to do couples therapy to help with that) and chose to “vent” the way you do (who else do I really get to talk to? Would you rather me talk to my mother? I think we both know how that turns out)…I think it would be better for you to move back to Alabama (I am sure you would…an option I talked to him about and where I have my parents). We will talk about how to do visitation then (why bother?).

John has no idea how much his text hurt me. That he would rather turn us away. I cried. James asked where did I get hurt…lol. That is what I ask him most of the time he cries. That day I placed a new ad for a nanny and I hoped for a miracle.

Thursday, December 13th – It was the babies 5th birthday. I cannot really call them babies any longer. They are getting big. Especially James. Margaret wanted Hello Kitty carrot cake and I was determined to give it to her. I wanted to make and have a big party for them but I could not. With the stress of trying to find a new nanny, missing work and the pending CPS visit I could not get it together. To be honest all I felt was depressed. Later in the day Alexa came over and I went out to buy the children balloons and cake. I bought chocolate cake mix and a carrot cake. I got a Hello Kitty cake topper for Margaret. I also got a candle that was the number 5. Previously I had gone to Party City and got some Hello Kitty decorations, party hats, streamers and a couple of other things. The birthday presents I got the children had come in the day before. While out my car died. It was the battery, then the bolt broke that clamps the terminal to the battery, then I had to cut that one off and install another one. It was a huge mess and now my car is not quite running right but after sinking all most $200 into repairing it I did not want to spend any more money at the moment. I wanted to make sure I have at least some money for Christmas and their birthday. I finally made it to where I was going and back home. I got back JUST in time because I had about 40 minutes before Alexa had to leave. I asked her to wrap all their gifts. Alexa was sweet enough to buy the children something for their birthday. So she went and wrapped the gifts. That girl is a really good gift wrapper! That gave me time to spend with the children. By the time she was done her dad arrived and brought over the gifts for the children. They were cute. James and Margaret got backrest pillows. James got a batman pillow while Margaret got a Hello Kitty. Joseph got a pillow pet. He immediately went to lay down on it…lol.

I let the children open presents. James is SO funny when he is opening the presents. He is so excited and having such a big time. James was the one with a vision on this birthday. He told me he wanted birthday party hats, streamers, cake, and ice cream. I am sure it was from watching Blue’s Clues. I did what I could to make that vision come true for him. I got him one of the things he has been wanting a LONG time (about a year!), a camera. He was SO happy when he got it…lol. John got Margaret a Hello Kitty (HK) pillow that she loves and I got her a HK backpack along with two small HK dolls that she call HK babies…lol. Joseph got a guitar/keyboard combo from me that lights up and John sent him ABC flashcards that are touch, feel and scented. The touch part is the braille for each letter. They are pretty cool. Good job! I had not seen those before. I have several cute pictures of the children. They were blowing out their candle and I could not good picture of them because they were moving too fast. So after we had some cake I was lighting the candle over and over again to try and get some more pictures of the children. In getting pictures of James he was going too fast so I thought I would shoot some video and see about trying to get a still out of it. I started the video and James does something that shocked me. He makes a wish before blowing out the candle. I don’t know where he got this idea except from Blue’s Clues maybe or Yo Gabba Gabba. He got the idea backwards but the thought is there. Listen to what he says…

James is basically saying he wants John to come here or us to go there. I am not sure what he meant but he wants to be back with his father. It broke my heart. I had tried to make his birthday special and yet he thinks about John and wanting to be with his daddy. 

Friday, December 14th – I was home yet again. I had no choice. I had a few people apply to the nanny position but I have yet had a chance to interview them all. So far there had been three and I had only spoken to one person that day. The rest of the day I was trying to enjoy with the children before the CPS worker showed up. Having not been with the children all day I had forgotten how busy they can keep someone. Personally, I like it. I know it makes me get up and run around with them. They were having fun trying to see what I was doing with my emails. I was able to get Natalie to come over and act as a witness when the CPS worker arrived. I was nervous. I knew I did not have to corporate with the investigation but on the other hand I wanted everything to go away so I wanted to corporate if I thought the CPS worker was being reasonable. I met her out on my front porch. I said I was confused as to why she was here. She said an anonymous complaint had been filed with CPS. She said she could not tell me who it was. I said ok. Then she said I was accused of neglect. She first asked me about the children. She asked about Joseph first. She said he was listed as developmentally delayed. Yes. Is that all of his diagnoses? I laughed and said no. She asked what they were and I said I would not be able to tell her off the top of my head. That the list was rather long. She said the first allegation was that I said Joseph had to be fed pureed food and I was feeding him stuffing causing a possible choking hazard for him. All I could think of is ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I said I know the DDD worker who was in my house reported me because he was the ONLY person who has been in my house AND the ONLY person who would have seen me feed Joseph stuffing. The CPS worker promptly said she could not say and I told her it is obvious. I said I also told the DDD worker that Joseph ate tiny star pasta with baby food mixed in. Did he mention that? The CPS worker said no. I said Joseph can eat soft foods. He cannot chew the food. I tell people baby food because it is easier to explain and I do NOT trust other people to feed Joseph. Being his mother I know what he can and cannot tolerate. I said the stuffing was homemade and I knew exactly what was in it. I had tiny egg white pieces in it. The feeding therapist told me I had to practice with Joseph on eating things with more texture so that was what I was doing. Then we discussed Margaret. She said all the children were a concern with safety. I said that was right. That is why I have a chain lock on their bedroom door. I said I have tried to separate the children before but they cry when I have done that so they are all in the same room. I put the chain lock on the door so they cannot wander the house. I said Margaret is WELL DOCUMENTED having a problem with personal safety and safety in general. I asked if the DDD worker had mentioned that Margaret has brain damage. She CPS worker said no. I explained that Margaret had been diagnosed with brain damage and that information was given to the DDD. Was there any mention that she is autistic? Again, the CPS worker said no. I said Margaret has issues with speech. She understands fine but she cannot express much in free speech. We think that is due to the brain damage. I said if Margaret or Joseph got out of the home they cannot give any pertinent information about themselves like their full name or the address where they live. We talked about James and I said he was the smart one. He was the one that tends to release the other children. I said he just needs to see you do something once and he has it. That he is diagnosed as autistic and has issues with social interaction and emotional maturity. After talking for about an hour outside I invited the CPS worker into the house. I knew after talking to her she was NO WHERE close to having the full picture of the situation. I let her into the house and the kids ran up to her and said hello. The CPS worker then wanted to looking the refrigerator and see if there was food. I told her I had food on the counter in the middle of prep because I was about to make chicken pot pie. She looking in the refrigerator and it was STUFFED full. I then took her back to the bedroom. She looked at the lock. I showed her how I chained the door and then left it propped open to the length of the chain. She glanced and I said she needed to look through the opening. When she did I said notice how all the children’s beds are placed along the wall so I can see everyone when I look into the room. That was done on purpose. She said the locks were a fire hazard concern but they were not against the law. I told her right there if they are not against the law I am NOT going to remove them. I said I had talked to therapist and other people about what I should do with them once they got too big for the baby gate to hold them and it was agreed that a chain lock was the best idea. I said I was concerned about the safety and welfare of my children just as CPS was and that was why I lock them in at night. She asked about an alarm and I said I was concerned I would not hear it. I also said Margaret often wakes during the night and can do so multiple times. The CPS worker asked if she had been diagnosed as an insomniac but I said no one has done so yet. Knowing how Margaret refluxes and has constipation issues I would imagine that is why she is often up. In any case I said I would lose sleep and a sleep deprived caregiver and/or worker is not a good choice either. At that moment Margaret came down the hall and sat on the hamper. The CPS worker asked if she could talk to the children. I said sure as long as I was present. She said that was fine. I asked how she wanted to talk to first. She said Margaret since she was right there. I said that was fine but I warned her that Margaret has Hello Kitty on the brain and that was probably all she would talk about. So the CPS worker asked Margaret her name. Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” So the worker asked her what is your last name and Margaret said, “Hi, my name is Margaret.” LOL At least Margaret proved my point that she cannot give pertinent information about herself. Then the CPS worker asker her another question (I don’t remember what she said) but Margaret started to talk about having Santa bring her a Hello Kitty chia pet…LOL. So the CPS worker gave up and asked to speak to the boys. I said that was fine but Joseph would probably not answer any questions and if he did he would most likely be repeating what she said. James was the one that could answer any questions but I said that would depend on his mood. The CPS worker asked Joseph a couple of questions. I did not hear what she asked but I know the answer for the first questions was “nuf-fing”(nothing)…lol. I think that is Joseph’s pat answer for most questions. He says it SO cute too! LOL I did not hear if he said anything to the second question but I doubt it since the CPS worker did not ask anything else. She then turned her attention to James. She asked him his name. He said, “My name is James.” So she asked him if he knew his last name. He said, “My names is James H. “ I was SO proud! You have no idea how much I have worked with him in saying that correctly! The CPS worker asked him a few other questions and I told her he was able to name off all the planets. He did and again I was proud! He did SUCH a good job! At the end the CPS worker was done and asked a few questions about me and John. I said I was not comfortable in answering questions that relate to John and she should talk to him herself. So that is how the visit went. I am not sure what will happen with the case nor when it might close but at least the visit has been completed. Saturday and Sunday – The kids kept me busy and I had no problem with that. I also used the time to get clothes washed and sorted for the children and myself. We had a nice time and James has been enjoy a math game John got him. Sort of like a Speak and Spell but with math. It is hard for James to do but he slowly starting to learn the math facts. This should be interesting after he has had it for a month or two…lol.

I will have to tell about the good things John did in a post tomorrow and all sorts of other adventures.

Trying to Leave Vegas

Photo Credit: flickr.com

I am sad to leave Las Vegas.  I first came out to Vegas in late 2003 to attend graduate school.  I was not able to finish my degree but I was able to work and had a couple of nice jobs including a federal government job I left when I was pregnant with the quadruplets.  When I left the first time I been in Vegas for four years.

After the children were born I wanted to come back to Vegas.  For some reason Las Vegas calls to me.  It is the only town in which I feel like I am home besides my hometown in Alabama.  So I came back to Vegas when the children were two (late 2009).  I have been in Vegas since then.  I have moved around often because we have been poor and I had been looking for a decent place to live.  I think I had finally found it in the last place I lived in Henderson.  Even though the neighborhood I lived in was so rough I had some neighbor break into my house and steal the only thing I had left of any value (my jewelry I had collected for 20 years) yet I still liked the house, landlady and the neighborhood in general.  I hope I will like the Phoenix area just as well as I did Vegas.

On the Sunday I had to leave I had only gotten about 8 hours of sleep total over the weekend.  I was SO tired!  I had created some signs and advertised on Craigslist my yard sale the day before.  I am disappointed I did not get more people to stop by but my signs definately got attention.  In the end I was able to sell some of my bigger items and I got some of the other things sold for a reasonable price but overall I had to remember that my real purpose of the sale was to get rid of stuff.  I knew I needed money but now that my time had run out I HAD to get the items out of the house.  Saturday I was approached by a neighbor who said they were going to help me.  As is typical of my luck that did not pan out.  I was so physically tired and hurting I knew there was NO way I was going to be able to get the last of the stuff out of the house and moved.  Near noon I left the house and went to the U-Haul place to see if there were any workers there.  I lucked out!  Finally!  LOL  I found two guys who had recently gotten back from another job.  I told them I was looking for two people. That the job I needed them to do was not a "typical" moving job.  All the really heavy stuff had been moved and packed.  Now I was in the final phase of packing and needed to clean the house.

Stuff At the Curb I Could Not Take

We arrived at my house.  They guys got out and looked inside.  They asked what I wanted moved.  They were confused....lol.  I told them to start by unloading what was in my van and repacking it.  I said I knew it would take a bit but I had to have the van packed like a puzzle.  That I needed to get a lot of stuff into the van or into one of the storage cubes.  They got started unloading my van.  I initially thought the job would take 2 or 3 hours.  That is what I was betting on but I was wrong.  We got done FIVE hours later!!!  The guys were SO nice.  With the time running five hours I did not have enough to pay them more than $10 per hour each.  They had worked so hard and I knew they deserved more than that. I was in a quandary   I stopped the guys for a minute and talked to them.  I explained the situation about my husband leaving and I was on a TIGHT budget.  As we had been packing we found things the guys were interested in (folding chair, tent, booze, food items, tools, toys and other things they wanted) and I told them to keep it since I doubted I would be able to take it.  They each had a bin they planned to carry on their lap and filled it with stuff.  So when I mentioned that I only had money to pay them at a rate of $10 per hour they told me it was fine.  They said they understood my situation and were SORRY!  They said I had been a pleasure to work for (nice and not work them to death) and I was giving anything they found they wanted.  These poor men who are working on a cash-for-hire basis felt sorry for me because of the situation my husband put me in!  They both were a blessing in disguise when I hired them to help.  I would NEVER have gotten everything done if they weren't there.  There was SO much stuff I had to leave behind it was literally a 15 foot line of things along the curb.  It made me sad.  A lot of what I had to leave behind was the kid's stuff.  Some of the old kid's clothes I left behind Joseph might have been able to wear later but there was NO time left to go through them now.  The other things I had to leave were the kid's outdoor toys.  I was not sure where we would live and if there would be a space to have their toys plus I could not afford the space to pack them.

John makes it to the hotel where I had booked a room for the night.  I told him I would be late and to meet me at 7:00pm.  That was because after I dropped the workers off I had a few final things to pack that I had them leave.  Plus I wanted to take a shower.  I had not showered in about 24 hours and I had sweated most of the day so I was stinky!  I packed the last bit of stuff and got to the hotel about 10 minutes after John was there.  He pulled the car seats out of his car and looked at the van.  He told me there was no way he was going to be able to get into the van to buckle them in.  I said that was fine I would do it tomorrow.  So he started to chuck the seats into the car.  I said I would at least like him to put them in there right.  He pulled them back out and put them in right.  Before I could even ask him anything else he started to walk off to his car.  I was trying to wrangle the children and get our luggage out.  I wanted to change their stuff over from a small suitcase to a larger one.  I was glad I did.  I wanted help getting the kids into the hotel and getting checked in but before I could ask (because, if you remember, that is the ONLY way I can get John to do something to help me) he had hopped back into his car and pulled out of his space part way.  He called out to the children and told them good-bye from his car and after he was done he took off.  So he leaves me on the second floor of the parking deck of the Fiesta Henderson.  If you go to the hotel I would say where I parked was about as far away as one can park from the registration desk.

When the moving guys repacked my car they moved the umbrella stroller.  I had no way to move Joseph around easily and there was no way he could walk that far on his own.  I had to carry him, juggle my purse and luggage and herd Margaret and James.  As I was struggling through the parking lot to the elevator a nice couple came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I said yes.  Guess what?  A couple, strangers I did not know, VOLUNTEERED help!  I would have had to ASK John. They helped us to get on the elevator since they were heading out to the parking garage.  When I got off the elevator I happen to run into a valet.  I asked if he could help me. He said he could.  I was able to get checked in and to the room.  OMG, I was about to die!  I was SO tired and hurting.  A friend wanted to come and talk for a bit and say good-bye.  I might have been tired but I enjoyed the social visit.  Just not something I get to do very often.  It was nice.  I went to bed that night happy and relieved that I had gotten so much done.  A big thank you goes out to my parents on that one since they were the ones that got some money together so I could pay some guys to pack, get storage so we did not have to lose everything and got us a place once we got to Phoenix.

I did bother to ask John why he had seemed so terse when he left after he dropped off the car seats.  Curiosity got the better of me on that one.  So our text exchange went like this...

Me: I was saying why did you seem so upset when you dropped off the children?
John: You might not believe it but I'm sad that they are leaving and I can't see them 5 days a week.
Me: Yep I find it hard to believe.  You weren't seeing them 5 days a week to being with.  It would have been  nice if you would offer to help us get checked in.  You got back into your car so quickly I didn't even get a chance to ask. You stop to talk to me but you were  already pulled out of your parking space, buckled in, car running. With the help of a stranger in the elevator plus a nice valet we were able to get checked into our room.  I could barely keep the kids with me while we walked across the casino floor because they were so fascinated by the sounds and lights. 
John: "Husband left family sale"...doesn't make me want to talk a whole lot to you.  You could have had a "moving on" sale or a "got a new job" sale.  You just had to get one more jab in before you left.  I hope it made you feel better.  It is the same kind of crap your mother would do...belittle someone to make yourself feel better.  Through all of this, I have said not said anything bad about you in public.  And I still won't resort to putting you down to make myself to feel better.  You complained that I constantly need validation...your sign, your blog, every public display shows you want validation that you are a good person...and you will take sympathy from anyone...ANYONE.  I pray that god gives you peace, comfort and wisdom.  I hope someday soon my prayers will be answered.
Me: You can say what you want but you did leave.  You signed another lease some where when you knew I had no job and no way to meet all the bills.  You have not offered to help.  Then I hear from you that you have this "boundary" with me and I HAVE to ask you for help.  Are you kidding me? When I tell people this they are floored.  That you care so little about me and more importantly the children that you do not help at all unless I had to ask directly for something. It is sad!  I don't need validation I am a good person.  If you think that is what all of that was about your WAY off base!                

For those of you who may not have read what is going on or maybe for John since he apparently reads my blog let me elaborate on what I was trying to accomplish. The reason I did a "Husband Left Family Sale" is because that is what I feel has happened.  It was not "Moving On" by my volition.  That is NOT what I wanted to do.  As a matter of fact I had asked SEVERAL times to attend couples therapy to work out our issues. It could have been a "Got A New Job" sale but I don't want a job right now.  I know the job offer I got is perfect for me professionally.  It is the perfect thing I want to do BUT the children still need me.  More importantly Joseph still needs me.  I wanted to work but I had planned on it next year.  Joseph needs a lot of things.  I might be missing his muscle biopsy he desperately needs.  I need to take him places and try to get things for him but instead I have had to focus on finding a job, moving and now starting a new job.  Joseph is getting pushed to the wayside.  I will have to look for a sitter for the children.  I will be the person gone to work and missing their childhood when I don't want to and they need me.  I will be the person who is left to clean up the mess you have made with the children including James. I will be the person holding James as he cries for his daddy.  The sign was not a jab against you to make me feel better.  It was intended to try and shame you.  Do you know that word when it comes to your family? Do you know the reason you have not said anything "bad" about me in public?  It is because I have done little I am ashamed about.  There really isn't anything bad to say (and if it is it is a lie) but what I have on you, and I can PROVE it, is WAY worse than ANYTHING you could EVER say about me! As for sympathy from strangers.  Yes, John, I will take the sympathy and help from strangers.  It is because, at this moment, random strangers are able to supply me and our children with more sympathy and care than my husband of almost 13 years!  What is so wrong with sympathy anyways?  Do you even know the definition of the word sympathy?  You might want to look it up!  Women, in particular, are sympathetic to my situation because they too have experienced a crappy relationship. Finally, I am glad you pray for me.  I pray for you too.  I am sure you pray to God that I get peace, comfort and wisdom since you have done little to nothing in making sure I have any peace or comfort.  As for wisdom.  I think God has been kind enough to grant me that one already.

I will have to write about my road trip tomorrow dear readers.  Until then...

Has Hell Frozen Over Yet?

Photo Credit:  america-report.blogspot.com

I know my husband (he left at the beginning of July) has been reading my blog.  At least occasionally.  I know because of things he has said.  I am surprised!  He had not read what I wrote before.

John arrived at my house this evening.  James was SO excited!  As I was getting ready to leave I asked John if he could take off from school on Friday so I could go and see my regular doctor to get refills on all my maintenance medications before I left town.  Plus I was hoping he would take the children early so I could see about trying to get a moving van and get the house packed and moved.  John said he would not be able to get Friday off.  It was a high demand day for subs (what difference this makes I have NO idea) and that progress reports had to go out.  He did not want to leave that duty to a substitute.  I kinda understand that one but on the other hand it is not every day that your wife and children are leaving for another state.

John said the best he could do was Thursday.  He said he could take half a day off on Thursday.  I asked if the whole day was possible but he said no.  So I asked if he could show up early (instead of 6pm) when he picks the children up on Friday.  John said why was I asking for things at the last minute.  That he has plans.  Why didn't I ask earlier?  First off, let me think for a moment, I may be a bit scatter brained lately because of all the stress I am under.  It could be because I have been busy making calls and trying to get information together to take to Arizona. Set up doctor appointments (here and there).  Get the children and I to our needed appointments over the last three weeks.  Make calls to try and keep us from being homeless in Arizona.  Writing in a blog asking for help from strangers because my husband, and father of the children, is not helping in any way with the move.  I am sorry but I have been a bit busy!

It had dawned on me last night that I would need somewhere to stay Sunday night.  I asked John tonight if I could stay at his place on Sunday with the children.  His first response was no.  He said he was not comfortable with it. What???  I was stunned.  I took a moment to get myself composed and said I am the mother of your children, your wife of all most 13 years and you cannot let me spend one night at your place since I have no where else to go???   He sat there and was thinking.  After a bit I told him never mind.  If it is going to be that hard of a decision then don't worry about it.  He said he should be able to think about my request since it was another last minute item I am bringing up to him.

Then he said something along the lines of why would I have thought he would just say yes.  Well, it could have to do with I would have said yes so I NEVER thought he would have said no or had to think about it. I walked out of the house.  I stood outside the door for a moment and then realized I had forgotten a post-it note I wanted.  I went back inside.  John said he was ok with me staying there.  I told him, again, not to worry about it.  He said he was not going to get in a fight with me.  He would leave before it came to that.  I said, "You are not leaving.  You are going to spend time with your children. I am leaving."  I walked back out the door.  As I am getting in my car he comes outside and says, "I would like you to stay.  It will be the last time I get to see the children."  Notice there was no mention of me.

I left.  I was heartbroken.  John has been so cool to me lately.  James telling me about some woman named Shawn.  His refusal for me to come to his place, the fact he smelled SO strong of cologne (I did NOT get) tonight the smell lingered in my house and he was texting makes me think he has some other woman in his life.  This hurts me.  I have asked him to get couples therapy with me.  I wanted to try and keep our family together but I am not getting that same feeling from him.  I can't be the only person trying to fix what is broken.

I called and talked to my mother.  Normally I call and talk to my friend Krissi but she has been busy with her own family drama so I have been bothering my mother.  She forwarded me a text tonight after I had left the house.  It was from John.  I did not know she had been texting him.  It said:

Cathy, I have helped Michelle with anything she has ASKED me to do.  If she does not ask, I will not do it.  Please do not respond to this message, and please do not contact me again. Thank you.

At least he was polite.  John and my mother have a very strong dislike for each other.  The part of this message that bothers me the most is John saying he has helped me do anything I have ASKED him to do.  That is NOT true.  Plus, wouldn't a TRUE man volunteer to help?  I had told him in the beginning I was not sure how I was going to make this happen.  I was worried.  John did not help.  He told me, "Don't worry. You will get everything figured out.  Wasn't it you who said where there's a will there's a way?  If you really want this job you will make it work."   I did say where there is a will there is a way.  The problem is that the way can sometimes get REALLY ugly!  If it was just me that would be one thing.  I could ride it out.  It is NOT just me though.  There are THREE disabled four year olds that have to come with me.  I have no problem suffering for my mistakes or judgments in life.  On the other hand I don't wish for my children to share my punishment.

As I said too, if John was a TRUE man wouldn't he have volunteered to help?  He was the one who left the house and left us financially stranded with no warning.  At least my first ex-husband did not do that.  I was seething with hate being cooped up in an apartment with him for four months but at least there was an exit plan when we BOTH left.  If John was really happy that I got this job in Phoenix wouldn't you think he would be excited for me/us?  He would be over and asking what he could do to help?  That the move would benefit ALL of us (financially).  Instead of being cheerful and helpful I have to ask, no beg, for help.  Even when I ask for the help it is not what I want.

After talking to my mother and telling her about John telling me I cannot come over to stay at his place Sunday night, and though he changed his mind, my mother was as surprised as I was.  She said for me not to worry and I could get a hotel room.  She said her and my dad would pay for it.  I am thankful.  After finding out his attitude I don't want to ask for anything. Part of it is pride but part of it is because I don't get what I am really needing.

I wanted to be there for John.  I wanted to love and be with him but how does he expect me to do that when this is how I am being treated?  Worse yet, this is how he is treating his children?  I am not sure what the future will bring.  I am not sure how I am going to make things happen but somehow I will work it out.  I will ask EVERY stranger I can find for help if I have to. I will do this without John.

If I have to ask John it may well be a cold day in hell before that happens.

Where Do I Go From Here?

So here is the second part of the post I was promising.  In this post I want to talk about family and commitment.  I had been married once before.  He is the father of my oldest children.  We could not make the marriage last.  We were both the oldest child in the family and wanted control in the marriage.  In dating again I was looking for a man who was willing to let me be in charge.  I found John.  He was the baby of his family and he seemed like he did not mind me being in charge.  I thought we were so compatible. We thought the same things at the same time and often said the same things at the same time.  When he was not with me I ached to be with him.  When he was with me my life was filled with fun and laughter. The inscription inside his wedding ring says, "You are my life, my love, my soulmate."  I meant every word it when we got married.  

We had problems in our marriage.  Don't get me wrong.  I found several instance where John had lied to me about things and I got very upset.  In the end I forgave him and we moved on.  As I said I thought things were good in our marriage (for the most part) for the first seven years.  I often felt so close to John that I could not stand to be away from him. After the birth of the babies all of that changed.

John used to tell me he loved me and would never leave.  I did not want to leave either.  I had made a commitment to be married and spend the rest of my life together with him and that was my plan.  After the children were born we fought a lot.  The stress of taking care of the children coupled with never having any money was taking a HUGE toll on us and the teen children.  The teen children left.  How could I blame them?  I wanted to leave and so did John...lol.  We did not have that choice though.

We tried to stay together but things only worsened.  When we moved back to Vegas John began work with the school district he met a woman we will call Monica.  She is married and has 7 children.  The two of them quickly became friends.  John was out all the time and I was left home with the children.  I would ask him about his day and all I would hear about is Monica.  Monica this...Monica that...She is great...She has the best ideas.  What I saw was me losing my best friend to some woman named Monica.  I tried to say something but I was told there was nothing going on between them. That might have been true physically but she has essentially become the emotional wife and I was the wife who kept the children and cleaned the house.    

As much as it hurt me to lose my best friend.  The person who made me smile and laugh (crying now just thinking about it) I was willing to stay married and live in the same house together.  John did his best to make my life miserable.  He told me later that he was trying to make me leave.  I had been asking for both of us to go to marriage counseling but John said I would need to change first before he would consider that.  I said I did not understand.  The point of marriage counseling, I thought, was to try and work on things together so we can bring ourselves back together and then make changes together. 

As much as I have threatened to leave and even go as far as filing for divorce I did not want to leave.  I wanted John to change.  I wanted him to be happy again.  To be the fun person I remembered.  For us to be close again.  He changed all right.  He changed into a person who thinks he no longer needs me.  When I got married I wanted to live the rest of my life with him.  I was willing to make that happen.  The children need us!  Not just me.  Not just him. James in particular has me worried.  He is SO attached to John!  Right now John comes over a few nights a week from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.  He sees the children and then puts them to bed.  When he does not come James, being autistic and liking routine, gets REALLY upset!  He has been crying at me when I tell him that daddy is not coming tonight.  I have to comfort him as best I can.

Now that I am having to move and accept a job in Phoenix the kids will only get to see John twice a month.  Once a month John is planning to come to Phoenix and I once a month I will drive the children up to Las Vegas.  The drive is 5 to 5.5 hours each way.  That will be the ONLY time the children will get to see John.  The drive will be tough on Margaret because that is longer than she can really travel in a car per day.  It is also going to be SO tough on James.  I am going to try and get him into therapy as soon as I can.  Otherwise I worry he will not make the transition well.  James is SO dependent on routine that he waits and watches the clock everyday until three o'clock rolls around so he can call John.  He calls him all most right at three o'clock every day!  He get SO excited running around the house screaming, "I can call daddy now.  I have to call and text daddy!"

The children need us. I want to work things out and I feel as though John does not.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  We cannot even seem to talk to one another anymore.  He comes over.  I don't talk really and either does he.  He says I should be the one to initiate things.  In some ways I understand this but on my end I was to be with someone who wants me and that no longer seems to be the case. I think I have lost my soulmate.  For now I am stuck in limbo.

We are still married.  I will be moving to Phoenix with the children.  I have asked to do couples therapy with him to try and work out our issues but I am not sure how this is going to happen now.  I don't how the children and I are going to make it but we have to.  John has not volunteered to do anything to help.  He has not asked if I would like for him to take the children an extra day, pay for a storage room, help buy moving supplies, help me pack, or ANYTHING involved with the move.  I broke down and asked him to take the children for me next Saturday so I can get moving and packing done.  He asked when.  I said all day would be nice but what ever you can do.  He said he would take them from 9am to 6pm.  I was hoping he would keep them overnight but I will take what I can get. 

So far it is just me and the babies.  No friends have been able to help me pack or move.  No family.  No John.  With my hand still having a lot of pain with the carpel tunnel surgery I am in trouble.  Worse case scenario I am going to try and pack what I can and them call Goodwill to come and pick up the rest.  I have had friends tell me I am a good person and something will happen.  Someone will help.  We will be ok.  I tell them I am sure they are right but secretly, in my heart, I know bad things happen to good people all the time.  I may be no different.

Got to go and pack what I can...

As a friend on Facebook said,
Dear life,
I have only just read the terms and conditions AND the small print of our contract.
May I say, what a crafty little *!?@$^%!* you are!

Some of the Trauma & Drama from the Quad's Birth

I got married and my husband and I had, what I thought, was mostly a happy marriage for seven years.  During that time we had talked about children but had not done much about  it.  My biological clock was ticking and when I finally mentioned at 33 I wanted to have a child again (since my oldest children were 12 and 14) my husband thought I was crazy.  I convinced him it was a good idea.  Isn't that what women usually do?  We had infertility issues.  I figured it was me since my mother was told at a young age, 24, that she was not going to have any more children (my sister was a big surprise...lol).

So we went to an infertility specialist that helped me get pregnant.  John was there with me all the way.  We only did ONE IUI with infertility drugs and a trigger shot! John would give me the intermuscular shot because I was too chicken to do it to myself.  He was there to give a sperm sample.  He signed off on it before it was injected into me. He was there when he heard the risks. We were only given a 7% chance of having triplets or more (for quads we were told a 3% chance) IF I even got pregnant from that cycle.  There was only a 20% chance of the IUI even working because of my age (34) and PCOS!

Were we lucky?  It is hard to say.  My husband separated from me back in July.  He says there are a lot of reasons but I say the decline of our marriage started with the birth of our quads.  The babies arrived early because of pPROM. We had moved back to my family home, Alabama, from Nevada because I knew I would have to quit my job and we would not be able to afford things.  My family said they would be there to help as they could.  Little did I realize that was not going to be a lot of physical help, like I needed. They were very generous in giving us financial help though.  I do appreciate it greatly on that end!  Our lives were in a freefall!  The babies were born 13 weeks premature.  I had to have an emergency C-section because I was telling the nurses that I thought I was having back labor but the monitor was not picking it up.  I found out later it is VERY common for the monitor NOT to pick up back labor.  When the contractions were so regular I could time them I told the nurse they HAD to call the doctor.  The doctor said to check me.  When they did I was 5 centimeters dilated.  Margaret (Baby A), whose water had broke, was all ready in the birth canal!    I was prepped for surgery.  We were told John might not be able to be in the operating room because there was not enough room for him. Can you believe that!?!?  There were over 30 people in the room waiting for the delivery of the babies.  I was having trouble with the anesthesia and I was not able to see their birth.  They were all immediately whisked away to the NICU.

Martha Renee

After John got into the NICU and took a few pictures of the babies he came back to my hospital room. I was in pain and having a hard time moving but I was doing okay. I was trying to relax for the first time in a month and a nurse came in and said one of the babies was in distress and the doctor wanted us in the NICU right away.  She asked if I could make it and I said yes.  I thought it was going to be Joseph.  We were told he was not going make it and die in utero.  Then we were told he had a low volume of amniotic fluid and he was curled up in an C-shape at the top of the uterus so if he did survive he would be deformed.  It was a MAJOR surprise when I found out it was Martha who was in distress.  She was the second largest baby of the group and I had never entertained the thought of her passing away. I cannot retell this story.  You can find her story here.

I was devastated!  We had a social worker form the hospital tell us not to bury her yet because there was a high probability of losing another one of the babies. I called my parents, who live about an hour away, to come to the hospital because Martha had passed away.  I thought they would have hurried and come right away.  Surly, my mother knew I was in distress!  She took an hour getting ready and then she stopped by Wal-Mart for 90 minutes picking up crap to make a door wreath for my room before heading to the hospital.  Just a mere 3.5 hours after I called they arrived.  I had to cry and hold my dead baby in my arms with only my husband, who was in as much shock as I was, for company.  It hurt me to the core when my family did that.

James and Margaret when they first got home

Then over the next three months the children were released from the NICU.  James was first. He got out about two month after his delivery.  Two weeks later Margaret followed.  Joseph was in the NICU for three months and it seemed like there was a three month time limit because all the sudden they kicked him out.  He was only a little over four pounds when he came home!  He had only been off oxygen for three days!  When James and Margaret arrived we were up for the challenge.  We kept the babies on the NICU schedule of feeding them every three hours around the clock.  They were just shy of five pounds when they came home so they still needed to gain weight.  We were tired when Joseph arrived but we thought we could handle it.  All the offers of people volunteering to help never appeared.  So John and I were basically on our own.  To my mother's credit she did try to help but she could not sit still.  We tried to keep the house rather quiet and like a NICU environment.  Quiet and dark.  Yet she insisted on puttering around the house cleaning and disturbing the babies. We also asked everyone who visited that they had to wash and sanitize their hands.  The children came home during the height of cold, flu and RSV season.  I was scared they would catch something. My mother, at the time the babies were born, had my nephew.  She had raised him because my sister would just runoff and leave my nephew with her for MONTHS on end. Since my nephew was in a daycare I said she could not come over if my nephew came with her because I was worried about the babies catching a respiratory illnesses.  Keep in mind my babies spent a lot of time in the NICU on respirators and were being see by a pulmonologist because of it. My mother was offended and said she would not come over then because she had my nephew.  

John and I were VERY tired but making it.  The first night home with Joseph was traumatizing though. Thank god the hospital REQUIRED parents of NICU children to take CPR before they could take their child home.  Even though it was apparently not written down in the medical records the nurses had mentioned to us that Joseph seemed to reflux.  I had asked the nurse the day he was discharged if he was taking his 4 ounce feeds without a problem and she said yes.  I got him home and I fed him that night.  I laid him on the bed with John and the other two babies while I went to rinse out his bottle.  When I walk back to the bed Joseph was starting to turn blue and he was not breathing!  I COMPLETELY panicked!!!   John looked and me and said calm down.  Told me to perform CPR while he went to call an ambulance.  I was not sure WHY Joseph has stopped breathing.  I knew about the reflux thing but I had NO idea if that was the cause of what so I started doing a weird combination of CPR for not breathing AND alternating with what you do for a baby that is choking.  I went back and forth for what seemed like forever.  It was long enough that John was able to make the emergency call and was on hold waiting for an ambulance to arrive.  JUST as we were starting to hear the sirens Joseph coughed and took in a deep breath and cried. OMG, I have NEVER been SO happy to hear a baby cry in my life!!!

Joseph on oxygen and apnea monitor

The ambulance arrived.  They look him to the local hospital but he was so small they transferred him to the regional hospital (where I had given birth to him). The hospital misdiagnosed him as a case of missed SIDS.    We were given a pulse-ox monitor and an apnea monitor. Knowing the severe condition Joseph was in when he was sent home I think the hospital should have given us an apnea monitor in the beginning...but I digress.  Joseph continued to have problems.  Some where so severe that we were in the car and on the way to the hospital because I could not get him to breathe.  One of the events did land us in the hospital and the doctors wanted to run some tests.  They did several things to him and come to the conclusion that Joseph was suffering from silent reflux.  Essentially he was spitting up like a normal baby would but the vomit does not make it up and out of his mouth.  It stopped somewhere before then. Joseph had several symptoms like poor feeding, lack of weight gain, barking cough, and noisy breathing so the diagnosis made sense.  We were told we could try and keep him upright after feedings but his case was so severe that we were told surgery was his only real option.  The doctors wanted to do a fundoplication.  I am not sure how little he was when he had the surgery but I know he weighed less than 10 pounds at the time and he was so small they could not do the surgery laparoscopically.

Recent Picture of Scar 

Reluctantly we agreed to do the surgery.  The surgeon said it would be a small incision but he lied.  It was HUGE!  Even today Joseph has a scar that crosses more than half his midsection!  The fundoplication did stop the scary breathing issues but a new problem developed.  Joseph was having a hard time breathing and his breathing was squeaky.  This was at the same time we were told the laser surgery Joseph had to save his eyesight due to ROP worked in his left eye but not his right.  We went to see a retina specialist in Atlanta to determine if reattaching his retina was possible.  We were told there was a 70% chance the surgery would even work and if it did then Joseph would only get color and general shapes out of the eye.  With the weird labored breathing Joseph was doing we decided not to do the surgery plus it seemed like the risks out weighted the rewards at that time.  We then went to see an ENT.  He told us there was a cyst in Joseph's throat that was blocking about 80% of his airway.  We were glad we had skipped the eye surgery!

Kids sleeping in hotel in Atlanta

Video of Joseph. You can hear his squeaky breathing when I stop the swing. So Joseph went into surgery to remove the cyst.  It was suppose to be day surgery.  It turned into three nights in the hospital.  Joseph was not coming out of anesthesia right and then they could not get him off the ventilator.  The ENT thought it was because Joseph suddenly had "too much" air now that the cyst was gone.  He was used to working a lot harder to get air and now he did not need to breathe that way but he still was and was struggling.  Joseph got better and was released home.  I felt like the worst of the things that could happen to Joseph was over.  I was still worried about him get a respiratory illness but other than that I did not feel like if one of us was not watching over him every hour of the day he was going to die. It was a relief!

Unhappy Teens: Don't let the smiles fool ya!  LOL

With all the things going on John went to seek a job and I stayed home with the children.  Someone had to watch them and coordinate therapy.  I was enjoying being at home and teaching the children.  John went to work for an insurance company.  He HATED the job.  This is when I really noticed a toll being taken on our marriage.  My older children were not happy.  We were dirt poor and there was no helping it really.  I could not work since someone had to watch the children.  John was working but there was never enough money to go around because the SSI the children received was reduced each time John made more money so we were never getting ahead.  John could not find professional work and neither could I.  When he was finally offered a job back in Las Vegas we accepted.  When I told the older children we had to move they were not happy.  They were in high school and tired of moving around plus we were poor and they were tired of having to deal with that too.  At that moment I made one of the hardest decisions I had ever done in my life.  I gave up custody of them to my first ex-husband.  So at 14 and 16 they left my house to move in with him.  In many ways I still regret that decision but I know at the time it is what they wanted.  I don't know if you have ever tried to keep an unhappy teenager with you but it is like trying to snuggle up to a lion and expecting not to get hurt!

Box of "Supplies" I Found in My Back Yard

We moved back to Las Vegas.  I thought our marriage would improve but it was worse than ever.  I was very unhappy and threatened to divorce John.  I had even hired a lawyer.  At the time I thought I had VERY good reasons to do so but I will not elaborate why in this public forum.  In the end I did not leave because I did want to work things out with him for the sake of the children and I wanted to keep his health insurance.  We lived in a horrible place (I-95 and Bonanza) when we first got back to Las Vegas.  We lived there because it was cheap but John was working a lot and often gone until late at night. So at night I was scared.  There were homeless people, drug dealers and drug addicts roaming the streets late at night.  In the back of our yard I found a box of used needles and condoms.  I was scared to even let the kids go out and play because I was worried they would get stuck by a dirty need or find a used condom.  Stress was out of control.  I also began an online graduate school program at this time.  I wanted to make sure, when I was ready to enter the job market, that I had been working on something so I did not have a big unemployment gap in my resume.

I worked on graduate school. John worked on graduate school. I was in charge of the babies during the day and part of the night.  John came home about an hour or two before their bedtime.  He would play with them for a bit and put them to bed.  I went to work on my school stuff and so did he.  We shared a house but were no longer together.

It was at this time, when the children were two, that I noticed that Margaret's speech was not progressing and that all she was saying was echolalia.  The first Early Intervention (EI) person I was sent in Nevada was nice but she only came out once and said she was leaving her job and the next time someone came out it would be somebody different. The next lady that came out I DISLIKED her a LOT!  She was so snobby in her behavior.  I might have been very poor at that moment and living in a dump but that did not mean I had to be treated like I was some low-life.  The second time she came out she told me that I needed to make Margaret sit down and I had to read to all the children.  I told her Margaret does not sit down.  She is always on the move and constantly running around waving her arms and running in circles that I cannot get her to pay attention.  The EI lady then said she used to teach Kindergarten and if parents had done their job then she would not have spent so much time chasing children in her classroom. Wow!!!  I reminded her that the reason we were IN the EI program is that the children are at high-risk of having problems (this was before Margaret's autism diagnosis) and Margaret's behavior should not be that unusual for EI kids. She was still in a huff when she left.  I called her boss and said to NEVER send her back out to my house. The next EI lady that came was ok but a ditz.  I kept pointing out Margaret's inability to pay attention, her scripted speech from TV (echolalia), and running around all the time.  I said I KNOW her behavior is unusual.  My concerns were dismissed.  It was not until I ran into anther mother with an autistic child and I was describing Margaret's behavior to her she said I should get her check for autism.  By the time this finally happened it was close to their third birthday when they would age out of the EI system.  I said I wanted her test and the EI lady agreed to do it.  She said the reason it was not done sooner is because the pre-screening for autism worksheet was filled out by John (not the primary care giver) and he marked it where she did not fall under the need for screening.   

I took her to the place where the screening was going to occur.  Two people were in the room and did their evaluation.  When they were done they said, "She did not score high enough for us to say she might be on the spectrum but we do recommend additional testing."  When I asked why they said she spoke too well.  I told them it was scripted from TV shows and they said she used it appropriately and they had never seen that before.

Video of Margaret obsessed with a toy broom because of the texture and sound. Notice she does not even look at the TV when it started up. This is before I had the autism diagnosis but looking back it makes sense! 

Joseph wearing 12m swimsuit 

From when the kids where three to four I spent SO much time in private therapy offices and specialists.  I had them tested for ALL sorts of things.  James was later diagnosed as autistic.  He speaks well and can do a lot of things great but he cannot make eye contract with adults he does not know.  He will look at you ONLY if you are not looking directly back at him...lol.  Margaret was later diagnosed with autism.  She was a little hand flapper for the longest time.  She also did not ask for anything or seem to have any independent speech.  She just repeated what she had heard.  It was obvious she could understand what you were saying to her IF you got her to pay attention to you but she could not express her needs and desires.  She still has a problem with this and when she wants something for herself she talks about herself int the third person (Margaret is hungry, Margaret wants a bottle).  Joseph was and still is a hot mess medically.  Though I have not had any major scares with Joseph in the last two years to cause me to rush him to a hospital or urgent care center (knock on wood!) I am always worried.  That is why I got so mad at John for going behind my back to the pulmonologist and trying to get him cleared to go to church. I truly have no problem with him going to church but during the winter a church is a hot bed of disease.  Since people are all hugging and handshaking disease go around like crazy!  Then the kids at church are in daycares or schools and have all sorts of illnesses.  It is NOT a safe place for Joseph to go right now!  I found out recently that Joseph's weight had not changed in the last two years!  Yep, TWO years!  He will be five soon and weighs 26 pounds!  He does not have enough reserves physically to fight a major illness off if he got one AND that does not even include his other medical issues.

I was able to get MRIs done on Margaret and Joseph.  I thought the imaging center had mixed up the films.  I got a report back that said Margaret had brain damage.  She had PVL and diffuse white matter brain injury suggestive of hypoxia associated with birth.  The report said Joseph's brain was perfectly normal.  I even called the lab and had them show me the results.  it was obvious when I saw the film because Joseph has right-sided plagiocephaly .  That was another fight where I tried to get him a helmet to round out his head and the doctor and John argued against me.  I got the helmet in the end and it was a good thing but I got it too late.  It helped to round his head out some but not a lot but one upside is the weight of the helmet really helped to strengthen Joseph's neck muscles. Having the misshapen head though allowed me to easily identify which MRI film belonged to which child.  The imaging center was right.  The low functioning child had NO brain damage and the higher functioning child did.  Wow!  We also went for genetic testing.  Margaret and Joseph both had a micro-array DNA test done and they were normal.  Joseph even had a DNA test done specifically for Fragile X but that was negative too.

So when I asked all the specialists, especially the neurology people, about Joseph I am told he is the way he is because he was born prematurely, had a low birth weight and then has experienced other medical issues.  i say they are full of crap!  I am still searching for what is wrong with Joseph.  I have been trying to get an appointment with UCLA to get a fresh muscle biopsy done to test Joseph for muscle myopathy and mitochondrial diseases but so far I can't even get a frigging appointment.  I tried calling again today to no avail!   Joseph was a floppy baby when he came home to me (still has pretty significant truncal hypotonia) and I knew something was not right.  For a year I complained to John, therapists and a neurologist and they all told me he was going to be fine in time.  I KNEW something was WRONG!  I know that now but I feel as though I am not any closer to an answer for him.  : (    I still have some other ideas on what might be ailing Joseph including Cerebral Folate Deficiency and Tyrosine hydroxylase (TH) deficiency.  I am forever vigilant!  If Joseph has something that can be treatable then I want to make sure I have not missed it.  My little pincushion baby (I am coining a new term: a child who has been stuck with needles a lot or undergone a lot of medical testing) has worked SO hard to be here!  He does it all with a smile on his face.  He deserves the best life I can give him!

So that pretty much brings you up to date on the kids and their medical issues.  This gives you an idea of what I have been through in the last five years.  I have been a passionate advocate for their medical care and I have worked hard to teach them academic and other skills.  I have enjoyed being a SAHM for the last few years.  They have needed me and I was there for them.  I am afraid I will not be able to say the same when it comes to our near future.