Moving out of the Hotel!

Photo Credit: jrbriggs.com

Time to move again!  This time it is into a house with a yard.  Yea!  I got to sign the lease today.  It took SO long to make it happen but I got it done!  Staying cramped up in the hotel was MISERABLE for us.  Tomorrow John is coming for the first time to see the children since we left.  That will be interesting.  I am wondering how James will take it.  The timing is pretty good though since we will be moving while the are gone for about 24 hours.  Does anyone want to help???  Please!  :)

I will try and sneak away for a bit on Sunday to post again.  It will be a BUSY weekend!

Trying to Leave Vegas

Photo Credit: flickr.com

I am sad to leave Las Vegas.  I first came out to Vegas in late 2003 to attend graduate school.  I was not able to finish my degree but I was able to work and had a couple of nice jobs including a federal government job I left when I was pregnant with the quadruplets.  When I left the first time I been in Vegas for four years.

After the children were born I wanted to come back to Vegas.  For some reason Las Vegas calls to me.  It is the only town in which I feel like I am home besides my hometown in Alabama.  So I came back to Vegas when the children were two (late 2009).  I have been in Vegas since then.  I have moved around often because we have been poor and I had been looking for a decent place to live.  I think I had finally found it in the last place I lived in Henderson.  Even though the neighborhood I lived in was so rough I had some neighbor break into my house and steal the only thing I had left of any value (my jewelry I had collected for 20 years) yet I still liked the house, landlady and the neighborhood in general.  I hope I will like the Phoenix area just as well as I did Vegas.

On the Sunday I had to leave I had only gotten about 8 hours of sleep total over the weekend.  I was SO tired!  I had created some signs and advertised on Craigslist my yard sale the day before.  I am disappointed I did not get more people to stop by but my signs definately got attention.  In the end I was able to sell some of my bigger items and I got some of the other things sold for a reasonable price but overall I had to remember that my real purpose of the sale was to get rid of stuff.  I knew I needed money but now that my time had run out I HAD to get the items out of the house.  Saturday I was approached by a neighbor who said they were going to help me.  As is typical of my luck that did not pan out.  I was so physically tired and hurting I knew there was NO way I was going to be able to get the last of the stuff out of the house and moved.  Near noon I left the house and went to the U-Haul place to see if there were any workers there.  I lucked out!  Finally!  LOL  I found two guys who had recently gotten back from another job.  I told them I was looking for two people. That the job I needed them to do was not a "typical" moving job.  All the really heavy stuff had been moved and packed.  Now I was in the final phase of packing and needed to clean the house.

Stuff At the Curb I Could Not Take

We arrived at my house.  They guys got out and looked inside.  They asked what I wanted moved.  They were confused....lol.  I told them to start by unloading what was in my van and repacking it.  I said I knew it would take a bit but I had to have the van packed like a puzzle.  That I needed to get a lot of stuff into the van or into one of the storage cubes.  They got started unloading my van.  I initially thought the job would take 2 or 3 hours.  That is what I was betting on but I was wrong.  We got done FIVE hours later!!!  The guys were SO nice.  With the time running five hours I did not have enough to pay them more than $10 per hour each.  They had worked so hard and I knew they deserved more than that. I was in a quandary   I stopped the guys for a minute and talked to them.  I explained the situation about my husband leaving and I was on a TIGHT budget.  As we had been packing we found things the guys were interested in (folding chair, tent, booze, food items, tools, toys and other things they wanted) and I told them to keep it since I doubted I would be able to take it.  They each had a bin they planned to carry on their lap and filled it with stuff.  So when I mentioned that I only had money to pay them at a rate of $10 per hour they told me it was fine.  They said they understood my situation and were SORRY!  They said I had been a pleasure to work for (nice and not work them to death) and I was giving anything they found they wanted.  These poor men who are working on a cash-for-hire basis felt sorry for me because of the situation my husband put me in!  They both were a blessing in disguise when I hired them to help.  I would NEVER have gotten everything done if they weren't there.  There was SO much stuff I had to leave behind it was literally a 15 foot line of things along the curb.  It made me sad.  A lot of what I had to leave behind was the kid's stuff.  Some of the old kid's clothes I left behind Joseph might have been able to wear later but there was NO time left to go through them now.  The other things I had to leave were the kid's outdoor toys.  I was not sure where we would live and if there would be a space to have their toys plus I could not afford the space to pack them.

John makes it to the hotel where I had booked a room for the night.  I told him I would be late and to meet me at 7:00pm.  That was because after I dropped the workers off I had a few final things to pack that I had them leave.  Plus I wanted to take a shower.  I had not showered in about 24 hours and I had sweated most of the day so I was stinky!  I packed the last bit of stuff and got to the hotel about 10 minutes after John was there.  He pulled the car seats out of his car and looked at the van.  He told me there was no way he was going to be able to get into the van to buckle them in.  I said that was fine I would do it tomorrow.  So he started to chuck the seats into the car.  I said I would at least like him to put them in there right.  He pulled them back out and put them in right.  Before I could even ask him anything else he started to walk off to his car.  I was trying to wrangle the children and get our luggage out.  I wanted to change their stuff over from a small suitcase to a larger one.  I was glad I did.  I wanted help getting the kids into the hotel and getting checked in but before I could ask (because, if you remember, that is the ONLY way I can get John to do something to help me) he had hopped back into his car and pulled out of his space part way.  He called out to the children and told them good-bye from his car and after he was done he took off.  So he leaves me on the second floor of the parking deck of the Fiesta Henderson.  If you go to the hotel I would say where I parked was about as far away as one can park from the registration desk.

When the moving guys repacked my car they moved the umbrella stroller.  I had no way to move Joseph around easily and there was no way he could walk that far on his own.  I had to carry him, juggle my purse and luggage and herd Margaret and James.  As I was struggling through the parking lot to the elevator a nice couple came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I said yes.  Guess what?  A couple, strangers I did not know, VOLUNTEERED help!  I would have had to ASK John. They helped us to get on the elevator since they were heading out to the parking garage.  When I got off the elevator I happen to run into a valet.  I asked if he could help me. He said he could.  I was able to get checked in and to the room.  OMG, I was about to die!  I was SO tired and hurting.  A friend wanted to come and talk for a bit and say good-bye.  I might have been tired but I enjoyed the social visit.  Just not something I get to do very often.  It was nice.  I went to bed that night happy and relieved that I had gotten so much done.  A big thank you goes out to my parents on that one since they were the ones that got some money together so I could pay some guys to pack, get storage so we did not have to lose everything and got us a place once we got to Phoenix.

I did bother to ask John why he had seemed so terse when he left after he dropped off the car seats.  Curiosity got the better of me on that one.  So our text exchange went like this...

Me: I was saying why did you seem so upset when you dropped off the children?
John: You might not believe it but I'm sad that they are leaving and I can't see them 5 days a week.
Me: Yep I find it hard to believe.  You weren't seeing them 5 days a week to being with.  It would have been  nice if you would offer to help us get checked in.  You got back into your car so quickly I didn't even get a chance to ask. You stop to talk to me but you were  already pulled out of your parking space, buckled in, car running. With the help of a stranger in the elevator plus a nice valet we were able to get checked into our room.  I could barely keep the kids with me while we walked across the casino floor because they were so fascinated by the sounds and lights. 
John: "Husband left family sale"...doesn't make me want to talk a whole lot to you.  You could have had a "moving on" sale or a "got a new job" sale.  You just had to get one more jab in before you left.  I hope it made you feel better.  It is the same kind of crap your mother would do...belittle someone to make yourself feel better.  Through all of this, I have said not said anything bad about you in public.  And I still won't resort to putting you down to make myself to feel better.  You complained that I constantly need validation...your sign, your blog, every public display shows you want validation that you are a good person...and you will take sympathy from anyone...ANYONE.  I pray that god gives you peace, comfort and wisdom.  I hope someday soon my prayers will be answered.
Me: You can say what you want but you did leave.  You signed another lease some where when you knew I had no job and no way to meet all the bills.  You have not offered to help.  Then I hear from you that you have this "boundary" with me and I HAVE to ask you for help.  Are you kidding me? When I tell people this they are floored.  That you care so little about me and more importantly the children that you do not help at all unless I had to ask directly for something. It is sad!  I don't need validation I am a good person.  If you think that is what all of that was about your WAY off base!                

For those of you who may not have read what is going on or maybe for John since he apparently reads my blog let me elaborate on what I was trying to accomplish. The reason I did a "Husband Left Family Sale" is because that is what I feel has happened.  It was not "Moving On" by my volition.  That is NOT what I wanted to do.  As a matter of fact I had asked SEVERAL times to attend couples therapy to work out our issues. It could have been a "Got A New Job" sale but I don't want a job right now.  I know the job offer I got is perfect for me professionally.  It is the perfect thing I want to do BUT the children still need me.  More importantly Joseph still needs me.  I wanted to work but I had planned on it next year.  Joseph needs a lot of things.  I might be missing his muscle biopsy he desperately needs.  I need to take him places and try to get things for him but instead I have had to focus on finding a job, moving and now starting a new job.  Joseph is getting pushed to the wayside.  I will have to look for a sitter for the children.  I will be the person gone to work and missing their childhood when I don't want to and they need me.  I will be the person who is left to clean up the mess you have made with the children including James. I will be the person holding James as he cries for his daddy.  The sign was not a jab against you to make me feel better.  It was intended to try and shame you.  Do you know that word when it comes to your family? Do you know the reason you have not said anything "bad" about me in public?  It is because I have done little I am ashamed about.  There really isn't anything bad to say (and if it is it is a lie) but what I have on you, and I can PROVE it, is WAY worse than ANYTHING you could EVER say about me! As for sympathy from strangers.  Yes, John, I will take the sympathy and help from strangers.  It is because, at this moment, random strangers are able to supply me and our children with more sympathy and care than my husband of almost 13 years!  What is so wrong with sympathy anyways?  Do you even know the definition of the word sympathy?  You might want to look it up!  Women, in particular, are sympathetic to my situation because they too have experienced a crappy relationship. Finally, I am glad you pray for me.  I pray for you too.  I am sure you pray to God that I get peace, comfort and wisdom since you have done little to nothing in making sure I have any peace or comfort.  As for wisdom.  I think God has been kind enough to grant me that one already.

I will have to write about my road trip tomorrow dear readers.  Until then...

We're in Phoenix! (Well, Gilbert)

The last weekend of the move was SO tough on me!  I got eight, yes EIGHT, hours of of sleep from Friday morning to Sunday night!  I cannot remember the last time I went so long with so little sleep.  I am getting too old to be doing that kind of thing.  Wow!  Even now the time is heading to 11pm and Margaret just recently fell asleep.  She has been laying in the bed beside me signing Pinky Dinky Doo songs.  Poor thing!  I tried to stream an episode for them the internet at our hotel is NOT high speed (heck, it is not even medium speed...lol).  I was hoping to run around Phoenix some tomorrow but I think I may be staying at the hotel and making calls all day to see what I can do about everything. Plus if tonight is like last night I won't get much sleep anyways since the children are constantly making noises and waking me up.  Joseph woke up four times last night alone.

Tomorrow I will spend time telling about our trip here and all the other things that have been happening.  Good night!

Countdown to Homelessness: 3 Days

Photo Credit: collegeboxes.com

Sorry I have not updated what has been going on but I have been both tired and busy.  John took the children for the whole day yesterday and I was suppose to get U-Boxes (U-Haul's version of PODS) to store my stuff in and then I could move it once I knew where I am going.  I had to stand at the U-Haul place for about an hour and a half yesterday trying to get everything worked out.  It was a complete mess.  I was not able to get the boxes delivered.  So John keeping the kids yesterday was partially a mess because I could not pack like I wanted to.  I ran around though and went to a couple of doctor appointments and followed up on several things I had been working on.  I literally left the house at 10am, when John got the children, and did not return until 3:30pm when the landlady said she was coming by to talk to me about the house. I was SO busy.  I had an hour at the house before John dropped the children off.

Today I am hoping I will get stuff packed.  My parents collected money from the family (even extended relatives) to get me the U-Boxes so I can have somewhere to store my stuff that will be easy to ship when I know where I am going.  My parents were also able to find me a cheap ($150 per week) extended-stay hotel.  Being that cheap I can't imagine the place will be nice but at least is it somewhere to go!  I am taking two of the crib mattress.  This way two of the children will sleep on the crib mattresses in the floor while one of the children and myself will sleep in the bed.

For state and federal aid purposes we are still considered homeless. Being in a hotel is considered being homeless by the government but at least I will not be rolling into Phoenix with NO WHERE/NO PLAN on where I was staying..  It will be rough living in such cramped conditions with all of them.  I am not sure what I am going to do about getting a sitter.  What am I suppose to tell them?  Come to my hotel and watch the kids all days.  I know it is boring and cramped here but try not to kill any of the kids when they get on your nerves.  I don't know.  That will be another problem for another day.

I have to go to a doctor appointment for myself this morning.  We will go to that.  Once I am done we will leave and go pick up some helpers to pack.  I will have to miss a doctor's appointment for Joseph at 11am because the U-Boxes will be delivered between 10am and 11am.  I have to be here for the delivery plus I don't have the the time to drive 40 minutes across town to make the appointment, spend the time there and drive back.  This sucks too because it was an appointment with the pulmonologist.  I am NOT happy U-Haul is making me miss this appointment!

John will be by at 6:30pm tonight to pick up the children.  This is technically his weekend.  I am hoping everything will be packed by then.   Keeping my fingers crossed!  I will try and update what I can I would guess that more of my updates will be from my Kindle or phone so bare with me.  : )

Has Hell Frozen Over Yet?

Photo Credit:  america-report.blogspot.com

I know my husband (he left at the beginning of July) has been reading my blog.  At least occasionally.  I know because of things he has said.  I am surprised!  He had not read what I wrote before.

John arrived at my house this evening.  James was SO excited!  As I was getting ready to leave I asked John if he could take off from school on Friday so I could go and see my regular doctor to get refills on all my maintenance medications before I left town.  Plus I was hoping he would take the children early so I could see about trying to get a moving van and get the house packed and moved.  John said he would not be able to get Friday off.  It was a high demand day for subs (what difference this makes I have NO idea) and that progress reports had to go out.  He did not want to leave that duty to a substitute.  I kinda understand that one but on the other hand it is not every day that your wife and children are leaving for another state.

John said the best he could do was Thursday.  He said he could take half a day off on Thursday.  I asked if the whole day was possible but he said no.  So I asked if he could show up early (instead of 6pm) when he picks the children up on Friday.  John said why was I asking for things at the last minute.  That he has plans.  Why didn't I ask earlier?  First off, let me think for a moment, I may be a bit scatter brained lately because of all the stress I am under.  It could be because I have been busy making calls and trying to get information together to take to Arizona. Set up doctor appointments (here and there).  Get the children and I to our needed appointments over the last three weeks.  Make calls to try and keep us from being homeless in Arizona.  Writing in a blog asking for help from strangers because my husband, and father of the children, is not helping in any way with the move.  I am sorry but I have been a bit busy!

It had dawned on me last night that I would need somewhere to stay Sunday night.  I asked John tonight if I could stay at his place on Sunday with the children.  His first response was no.  He said he was not comfortable with it. What???  I was stunned.  I took a moment to get myself composed and said I am the mother of your children, your wife of all most 13 years and you cannot let me spend one night at your place since I have no where else to go???   He sat there and was thinking.  After a bit I told him never mind.  If it is going to be that hard of a decision then don't worry about it.  He said he should be able to think about my request since it was another last minute item I am bringing up to him.

Then he said something along the lines of why would I have thought he would just say yes.  Well, it could have to do with I would have said yes so I NEVER thought he would have said no or had to think about it. I walked out of the house.  I stood outside the door for a moment and then realized I had forgotten a post-it note I wanted.  I went back inside.  John said he was ok with me staying there.  I told him, again, not to worry about it.  He said he was not going to get in a fight with me.  He would leave before it came to that.  I said, "You are not leaving.  You are going to spend time with your children. I am leaving."  I walked back out the door.  As I am getting in my car he comes outside and says, "I would like you to stay.  It will be the last time I get to see the children."  Notice there was no mention of me.

I left.  I was heartbroken.  John has been so cool to me lately.  James telling me about some woman named Shawn.  His refusal for me to come to his place, the fact he smelled SO strong of cologne (I did NOT get) tonight the smell lingered in my house and he was texting makes me think he has some other woman in his life.  This hurts me.  I have asked him to get couples therapy with me.  I wanted to try and keep our family together but I am not getting that same feeling from him.  I can't be the only person trying to fix what is broken.

I called and talked to my mother.  Normally I call and talk to my friend Krissi but she has been busy with her own family drama so I have been bothering my mother.  She forwarded me a text tonight after I had left the house.  It was from John.  I did not know she had been texting him.  It said:

Cathy, I have helped Michelle with anything she has ASKED me to do.  If she does not ask, I will not do it.  Please do not respond to this message, and please do not contact me again. Thank you.

At least he was polite.  John and my mother have a very strong dislike for each other.  The part of this message that bothers me the most is John saying he has helped me do anything I have ASKED him to do.  That is NOT true.  Plus, wouldn't a TRUE man volunteer to help?  I had told him in the beginning I was not sure how I was going to make this happen.  I was worried.  John did not help.  He told me, "Don't worry. You will get everything figured out.  Wasn't it you who said where there's a will there's a way?  If you really want this job you will make it work."   I did say where there is a will there is a way.  The problem is that the way can sometimes get REALLY ugly!  If it was just me that would be one thing.  I could ride it out.  It is NOT just me though.  There are THREE disabled four year olds that have to come with me.  I have no problem suffering for my mistakes or judgments in life.  On the other hand I don't wish for my children to share my punishment.

As I said too, if John was a TRUE man wouldn't he have volunteered to help?  He was the one who left the house and left us financially stranded with no warning.  At least my first ex-husband did not do that.  I was seething with hate being cooped up in an apartment with him for four months but at least there was an exit plan when we BOTH left.  If John was really happy that I got this job in Phoenix wouldn't you think he would be excited for me/us?  He would be over and asking what he could do to help?  That the move would benefit ALL of us (financially).  Instead of being cheerful and helpful I have to ask, no beg, for help.  Even when I ask for the help it is not what I want.

After talking to my mother and telling her about John telling me I cannot come over to stay at his place Sunday night, and though he changed his mind, my mother was as surprised as I was.  She said for me not to worry and I could get a hotel room.  She said her and my dad would pay for it.  I am thankful.  After finding out his attitude I don't want to ask for anything. Part of it is pride but part of it is because I don't get what I am really needing.

I wanted to be there for John.  I wanted to love and be with him but how does he expect me to do that when this is how I am being treated?  Worse yet, this is how he is treating his children?  I am not sure what the future will bring.  I am not sure how I am going to make things happen but somehow I will work it out.  I will ask EVERY stranger I can find for help if I have to. I will do this without John.

If I have to ask John it may well be a cold day in hell before that happens.

Countdown to Homelessness: 6 Days

Today I had some help come over.  I realized that I have done pretty good in packing.  There was not a lot to pack.  I was able to get some stuff packed and boxes moved.  That was VERY helpful!  I need  a storage room now.  I think I will be able to get a storage room tomorrow.  If not then, Thursday.  That will be cutting it close since I really wanted the house cleaned out by Friday.

Still don't have a plan and I am going to have to find a place to stay when I get to Phoenix.  I have no idea what I am doing.   At least I can laugh about it today...lol.

Where did the Motivation Go?

I was so tired when i got up at 7:00am this morning.  Since I went to bed about 1:30am that gave me about 5.5 hours of sleep.  For me this is normally enough but not lately.  I am not sure why. I ended up being able to take a nap of sorts (I was lying down and the kids played around me) from 1pm to 3pm. I got up but I am still tired.  Part of my problem I think is the interrupted sleep.  The second problem is the lack of motivation I am feeling since I have no plan. I basically have 10 more days to pack and clean out this house and ....then what?  

When I laid down for a nap I had James crawl into bed with me, then Margaret and finally Joseph.  I had the three children in the bed with me and they were all playing with different things quietly.  I thought about how much I would miss doing things like this with them.  It is not that it can't ever happen but it will be rare.  I will be gone to work and someone else will have to fill in for me.  They will get to referee fights, fix meals and kiss boo-boos while I am gone.  It makes me sad.  I feel like my children still need me, especially Joseph, but I have to leave them with a stranger while I try to make money to support us.  I have enjoyed my day with the children even though I should have been packing.

I called UCLA, still nothing!  I cannot believe I can't make an appointment to get this muscle biopsy done.  I am furious!  At this rate I will not be able to get it done before I leave town. Sigh!  I SO wanted to get this done. Then I had a call from the endocrinologist and I just cancelled the appointment.  He is only giving thyroid medicine to Joseph and to be honest he is not my favorite doctor so I am not too disappointed.  Tonight I will be looking for doctors in the Phoenix area and calling to make appointments.

Life trudges on.  I have no idea what is coming but the future will one day become my present and I guess I will not have to wonder what it will hold for me any longer because I will be living it!

Is It Sunday All Ready?

When the children are not here my weekends fly by SO fast!!!  I was packing last night for while and I got side tracked.  As I was pulling out boxes and looking through things I found a brown manila envelope.When I looked into it I started to cry.  I had COMPLETELY forgotten about this packet of information the hospital sent me regarding Martha's death.  It had her record of birth, baptism certificate, hand and footprints, snippet of her hair and some pictures the NICU nurses took of her.  I cried and cried.  I don't remember ever seeing these pictures.  I might not have until now.  I got the envelope just after she passed away and it was just too much for me to deal with.  Her hand prints are so tiny a half dollar would easily cover them up. She was just so small.  They all were at birth! I included one of the pictures the nurses took on Martha's page.   I spent the rest of my evening crying and scanning in the pictures and documents.



At the start of the weekend John had asked me for some more Pedisure for Joseph  and Margaret.  I said ok.  I gave him one case of the Pedisure.  That is 4 6-packs.  He took my car this weekend since I was not ready to move.  So I was left with his car.  The front and back seats were FULL of stuff.  The floorboard of the passenger's side of the car was filled with food trash up to the height of the seat.  When I stopped to fill up his car I cleaned the floorboard out.  I filled up the trash can at the gas station!  Then I filled up his car with gas.  The total came to about $50. I thought it was no big deal since I would just ask him to pay me for the gas that was left in the car when I gave it back to him.  I ran around town and on Sunday I went to the grocery store to get what groceries I could on WIC and pick up a few other things.  One of the WIC items is the 30 6-packs of Pedisure.  I got it from the store and went to put the 7.5 cases in John's car.  I opened John's trunk and I find 2 cases and a 6-pack of Pedisure in there.  I have him that Pedisure over a month ago.  So that means the milk-based Pedisure has been in his trunk, in the heat, for the last month.  I would not feed it to the children!  So he has ruined 9 6-packs of the Pedisure.  That makes me SO mad when he knows we will be losing WIC in December because the children will turn 5 years old. I cannot afford to buy the Pedisure myself.  It costs about $10 per 6-pack!  So he essentially wasted $90.  It makes me SO mad I am thinking about asking him to pay me the money so I can go buy some more!  Plus what has John been feeding Margaret and Joseph over the last two months when they have been over there?

Then tonight I forgot to talk to him about the gas in his car. I message him.  I ask him for $25 since I left a little more than half a tank of gas in the car.  At first he did not believe me that I put it in there.  I showed him the charge on my account.  Then he tried to tell me I made a "poor decision" by putting the gas in the car.  What "poor decision" did I make?  Trusting that he would be fair and pay me the money for the gas left in his car?  He did finally agree to give me the money but he is not going to pay me now.  He said I would have to wait until his next pay check.  Why is that?  He would have had to put money in his car for gas to get to work.  Now I have to wait when he knows I do not have money?  Whatever! Last time I try to do something nice.  I will just leave him his car in the condition I found it. If it's empty I will leave it empty.

This week I have to be more productive in packing but that should be easier because we really do not have any more doctor or therapy appointments.  We have the blood draw EARLY in the morning on Tuesday but otherwise I think our week is pretty clear this week. I will be lining things up for the garage sale.  Got to sale what I can for the money!

Thursday night when John came over to see the children I told him about Joseph having a lump on the back of his neck (swollen lymph node), foul smelling breath and sore on his bottom gum under the front teeth we had pulled.  He never even asked how Joseph was doing or what was going on!  I took Joseph to the dentist on Friday at noon.  I was smart this time and took a change of clothes for Margaret remembering how she vomited all over the place last time I took her to the dentist for Joseph's appointment.  We get there and Margaret crawls into the chair whining...lol.  The dental assistant and I told her to get out of the chair.  The assistant said, " Get out of the chair Margaret before you get sick."  LOL  I put Joseph in the chair. The dentist came in and looked at Joseph and she declared the sore in Joseph's mouth is a canker sore.  If you look at possible causes of canker sores it can be an autoimmune issues and/or a vitamin or mineral deficiency (iron, folic acid or vitamin B-12).  Very interesting when these are some of the symptoms I have mentioned before that concern me about Joseph.  Margaret did good too because she never got sick.  Makes me SO happy not to clean barf!

When I get the children from John tonight John said the kids were all fed and full.  I always fix them something to eat anyways but they rarely eat much.  Tonight I had fixed James a large cup of some Gatorade and Joseph and Margaret a bottle.  They immediately drank it.  I fixed them another cup and bottle.  They drank it too. I was surprised!  They seemed like they were dehydrated or something.  Then I asked James if he would like some pizza.  Papa Johns was running a special where you could buy $10 worth of stuff from them and then get a free large pizza.  What a great deal!  I was able to get two medium pizzas with three toppings and have the ability to get a large three topping pizza later for free.  Since James LOVES pizza I know this will make him happy!  I asked if he would like a slice of pizza.  He said yes.  I thought he would only eat one piece.  He ate the first piece and then asked for a second.  I was surprised but gave it to him.  He came back and asked for a THIRD piece!  I had given a slice to Margaret and she was not eating it so I told James he could have her slice.  The next thing I know James asked for a FOURTH piece!  I told him no!  I said he had three pieces and he had eaten as much as mommy had so he could have no more.  He was sad about it and argued for a bit but he gave up.  He had NEVER tried eating so much pizza before!  For someone who was suppose to have been fed he was starving!

When I went to change Margaret's and Joseph's diaper tonight they both have a red booty.  So I asked John what happened.  He said he had no idea.  I also asked why there was a large bruise on James' head.  I was told James was running around the house and ran into Joseph.  I am not sure where Joseph was bonked in the head but James was very evident with the huge bruise!

So in one weekend I get the children back and they seem dehydrated, hungry and bruised/rashes.  What in the world was John doing this weekend with the children???  It seems like they were neglected (at least today) and not being supervised very well.  I am glad to have them back home!

Where Do I Go From Here?

So here is the second part of the post I was promising.  In this post I want to talk about family and commitment.  I had been married once before.  He is the father of my oldest children.  We could not make the marriage last.  We were both the oldest child in the family and wanted control in the marriage.  In dating again I was looking for a man who was willing to let me be in charge.  I found John.  He was the baby of his family and he seemed like he did not mind me being in charge.  I thought we were so compatible. We thought the same things at the same time and often said the same things at the same time.  When he was not with me I ached to be with him.  When he was with me my life was filled with fun and laughter. The inscription inside his wedding ring says, "You are my life, my love, my soulmate."  I meant every word it when we got married.  

We had problems in our marriage.  Don't get me wrong.  I found several instance where John had lied to me about things and I got very upset.  In the end I forgave him and we moved on.  As I said I thought things were good in our marriage (for the most part) for the first seven years.  I often felt so close to John that I could not stand to be away from him. After the birth of the babies all of that changed.

John used to tell me he loved me and would never leave.  I did not want to leave either.  I had made a commitment to be married and spend the rest of my life together with him and that was my plan.  After the children were born we fought a lot.  The stress of taking care of the children coupled with never having any money was taking a HUGE toll on us and the teen children.  The teen children left.  How could I blame them?  I wanted to leave and so did John...lol.  We did not have that choice though.

We tried to stay together but things only worsened.  When we moved back to Vegas John began work with the school district he met a woman we will call Monica.  She is married and has 7 children.  The two of them quickly became friends.  John was out all the time and I was left home with the children.  I would ask him about his day and all I would hear about is Monica.  Monica this...Monica that...She is great...She has the best ideas.  What I saw was me losing my best friend to some woman named Monica.  I tried to say something but I was told there was nothing going on between them. That might have been true physically but she has essentially become the emotional wife and I was the wife who kept the children and cleaned the house.    

As much as it hurt me to lose my best friend.  The person who made me smile and laugh (crying now just thinking about it) I was willing to stay married and live in the same house together.  John did his best to make my life miserable.  He told me later that he was trying to make me leave.  I had been asking for both of us to go to marriage counseling but John said I would need to change first before he would consider that.  I said I did not understand.  The point of marriage counseling, I thought, was to try and work on things together so we can bring ourselves back together and then make changes together. 

As much as I have threatened to leave and even go as far as filing for divorce I did not want to leave.  I wanted John to change.  I wanted him to be happy again.  To be the fun person I remembered.  For us to be close again.  He changed all right.  He changed into a person who thinks he no longer needs me.  When I got married I wanted to live the rest of my life with him.  I was willing to make that happen.  The children need us!  Not just me.  Not just him. James in particular has me worried.  He is SO attached to John!  Right now John comes over a few nights a week from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.  He sees the children and then puts them to bed.  When he does not come James, being autistic and liking routine, gets REALLY upset!  He has been crying at me when I tell him that daddy is not coming tonight.  I have to comfort him as best I can.

Now that I am having to move and accept a job in Phoenix the kids will only get to see John twice a month.  Once a month John is planning to come to Phoenix and I once a month I will drive the children up to Las Vegas.  The drive is 5 to 5.5 hours each way.  That will be the ONLY time the children will get to see John.  The drive will be tough on Margaret because that is longer than she can really travel in a car per day.  It is also going to be SO tough on James.  I am going to try and get him into therapy as soon as I can.  Otherwise I worry he will not make the transition well.  James is SO dependent on routine that he waits and watches the clock everyday until three o'clock rolls around so he can call John.  He calls him all most right at three o'clock every day!  He get SO excited running around the house screaming, "I can call daddy now.  I have to call and text daddy!"

The children need us. I want to work things out and I feel as though John does not.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  We cannot even seem to talk to one another anymore.  He comes over.  I don't talk really and either does he.  He says I should be the one to initiate things.  In some ways I understand this but on my end I was to be with someone who wants me and that no longer seems to be the case. I think I have lost my soulmate.  For now I am stuck in limbo.

We are still married.  I will be moving to Phoenix with the children.  I have asked to do couples therapy with him to try and work out our issues but I am not sure how this is going to happen now.  I don't how the children and I are going to make it but we have to.  John has not volunteered to do anything to help.  He has not asked if I would like for him to take the children an extra day, pay for a storage room, help buy moving supplies, help me pack, or ANYTHING involved with the move.  I broke down and asked him to take the children for me next Saturday so I can get moving and packing done.  He asked when.  I said all day would be nice but what ever you can do.  He said he would take them from 9am to 6pm.  I was hoping he would keep them overnight but I will take what I can get. 

So far it is just me and the babies.  No friends have been able to help me pack or move.  No family.  No John.  With my hand still having a lot of pain with the carpel tunnel surgery I am in trouble.  Worse case scenario I am going to try and pack what I can and them call Goodwill to come and pick up the rest.  I have had friends tell me I am a good person and something will happen.  Someone will help.  We will be ok.  I tell them I am sure they are right but secretly, in my heart, I know bad things happen to good people all the time.  I may be no different.

Got to go and pack what I can...

As a friend on Facebook said,
Dear life,
I have only just read the terms and conditions AND the small print of our contract.
May I say, what a crafty little *!?@$^%!* you are!

It's all Bon Bons from here - Part II

OK, it has been so long now I have forgotten all I was doing this morning...lol.  I know I took out all the trash.  I have a ton of it since I am moving.  Pack and organized things for the dentist appointment.  I folded and packed away some of my clothes.  I know there are other things but I just don't remember.

We did make it to the dentist.  I know Margaret has a problem with barfing at the dentist office.  They now even have it in her file...LOL!!!!   So we went back and Margaret was only sitting in the chair.  She was whining and starting to cough.  I KNEW if they did an x-ray, which I heard them talking about, she WAS going to barf!  So I thought I would be smart and tell them to bring a bag in before they do the x-ray so she could barf in it but as I was started to say that Margaret coughed again and barfed all over herself.    Of course, I did not think to take extra clothes with me.  What kind of mom would I have been if I was super organized and thoughtful like that?   *rolling eyes* So I helped the technician clean off the barf.  Margaret calmed down.  The dentist came in and looked at Margaret (no x-ray...lol).  The dentist found two huge sores in the back of her mouth.  So that was the problem!  Thank goodness it was not a tooth!  The dentist asked me if she had something in her mouth recently since the sore was one on the upper gum and one on the lower gum.  I said with her being autistic there is no telling what she may have done.  Sadly, I JUST do not know!  I was told to try and keep her mouth as clean as possible and not to feed her foods that are salty or acidic.  Good to know so I packed the kids up and headed home.  By the time I got home my car was starting to stink of barf.  Good time to get out...lol  

Once home I changed Margaret's clothes and called my mom to tell her the news.  Then we talked for a bit while I spent time making a list of people to call tomorrow and things I have to do.  Tonight I made an appointment at 6AM (UGH!!!) for a blood draw for myself and Joseph.  Oh, what fun we will have on the morning of the 18th!

So for tomorrow I have on my list of things to do...

• Call the WIC office again in Arizona
• Call UCLA and bother them
• Call the pulmonologist and set an appointment for Joseph
• Get an appointment with my general doctor so I can make sure I have what I need before I leave Vegas
• Get an appointment with the pediatrician after the 25th (when I will have a little more money) to see the kiddos and get any medical and other clearances I need.
• Talk to the school district about the kids IEPs
• Call and speak to the Desert Regional Center and let them know I am leaving. Get any information they have so I can hopefully hand-deliver it to the Division of Developmentally Disabilities in Arizona. 
• Get paperwork to get a new birth certificate for me.  Can't find mine.
• Call the homeless shelter again
• Send an email to a new friend to see if she can help me. Thanks Monica!

I am sure their are other things but I can't remember right now.  Tonight John will stop by and visit with the kids for a bit.  It is going to be devastating to James when we move away from John.  It makes me sad but I will see about getting him into therapy.  When John comes by I will leave to put gas in my car and buy some groceries.  I will miss that help too.  I HATE taking the children to the store.  They are normally great for me right up until I have to check out.  Then they go nuts!  I will miss being able to go out by myself to grocery shop.  Maybe I can find another mom and we could swap child watching for a bit?  Maybe?

Tomorrow I will try and scan more pictures and pack.  I will try and not stress over too much and just enjoy my bon bons...lol.  

On the way to homelessness?

I have been having fun tonight listening to the wind howl.  A storm is moving into Vegas tonight and with it the wind speed picks up.  There are gusts out there at LEAST 50 mph!  The wind chime is going crazy outside!  Careful, wind chime noise in video is LOUD!

John got paid so he gave me $700 to pay bills.  This is more than he has to give me so that is nice.  I have the following bills to take care of:

Photo Credit: thesite.org

• $400 electric
• $100 credit card (I had all ready missed one payment)
• $85 credit card (same with this one)
• $40 health club membership (haven't even been going at all since we split up)
• $50 cellphone (only phone I have)
• $100 gas (will last my 15 passenger van about 2 weeks if I don't really go out much)
• $100 food (that is two weeks worth for 4 people (me and the kids)
• Other bills that may come up are water, gas, internet. 

I know, I have WAY exceeded the allowance I was given so what do I do?  I cannot continue to eat Ramen and popcorn for dinner.  WAY too much salt for me and not good for you in general.  Got to do food and gas.  So that is $200.  Got to pay at LEAST $200 to electric.  So that is $400.  Got to pay for phone!  MUST have a phone so that is another $50.  So that pays out $450 leaving me $250.  About to forget.  Got to get a case of diapers for Margaret and Joseph.  That is $40.  Plus I have two doctor appointments I need to go to.  That is $40.  So we are at $530.  Need a $70 copay to take Joseph to the pulmonologist.  I have the extra high co-pay because I had to miss the appointment last time because John forgot to give me the money before he left for work that day.  That makes $600.  There is an IEP meeting scheduled for Joseph and it would cost $100 for the advocate to be there.  I do NOT have the money for all of this!  I am not sure what I am going to do!  I think I will have to cancel the IEP and try to do one in Arizona when we get there.  I will have to see if I can find an advocate and how much they would cost.  I cannot be trusted to attend one of those meetings alone.  I am just too emotional and hot-headed.  I wind up saying things that I occasionally regret.  So I could easily spend all the money and still not even pay a lot of the bills I know about. Sigh!  This is why I am SO upside down on everything.  : (   

Photo Credit:  http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com    
Is this going to be us at the end of September?

I am in trouble!  Never, growing up in a middle class family, did I ever think my life would wind up like this.  I have been losing so much hair lately.  I am certain it is from stress.  What I am NOT stressed out about lately???  Moving?  How is it going to happen?  How am I going to afford to move my things?  What about getting a storage room for a bit (more money I forgot to add to my list of needs)?   How am I going to get my stuff to Arizona since I am the only adult driver and I cannot tow my van?  If I take my stuff where am I going to put it? What about money for gas to even drive there?  Am I going to truly wind up homeless?  If so where am I and the children going to go?  Can we live out of the van?  What about getting services for the children?  What about food?  What about child care?  I will not have money to pay anyone really until two weeks AFTER they have been watching my children. Since Joseph is medically fragile he cannot be in a daycare or school setting. So where does this leave me???  Plus James and Margaret cannot go to school because they would get sick and bring it home to Joseph.  This is why I have been home with them for the last several years.  This is by far the most balls-to-the-wall sort of thing I have ever done!  I have to make it to Arizona to take this job!.  If I have ANY hope of making my little family self-sufficient then I need, MUST HAVE, this job!  

The children have been driving me crazy because they are getting into everything.  I can't blame them really.  I have stuff pulled out all over the place.  They are fascinated by it.  Why shouldn't they be? James and Margaret were getting into all kinds of stuff, broke a couple of things and were not listening.  In the end I yelled at them and then broke down crying.  I cried in front of my children and the poor kids did not know how to handle it.  James was trying to be nice at that point and he gave me a hug and said he would not make a mess again.  That was SO sweet!  I shouldn't be crying in front of them.  It was just too much today. I am so worried.  When I talked to John about it he said not to worry that I would be able to figure something out.  Often, I would agree with him.  On the other hand I am getting really worried. 

I am still trying to pack things but it is hard with the children here and no one here to help me distract them.  After that my hand is the next big hurdle.  I have come to the conclusion it will never be right. The only good news from the carpal tunnel surgery is that my hand no longer falls asleep when I use it.  It hurts instead (sometimes very painfully) but in some ways that is better because I still have some kind of feeling in my hand.  Just makes packing difficult because I have a hard time moving boxes.  

I was having fun reminiscing over some old video clips of the children.  This is video of the kiddos when they were two.  Joseph is having fun and getting so tickled with what he is doing. He has SUCH a great laugh in this video!  You can also see James count (and sign) and Margaret sing her A, B, Cs .

Bon Bons and Birthdays!

Money is not a problem until you don't have any ~ 

This is a quote by me....lol.  Having money is great but when you do not have enough of it life becomes tough.  I have a $400 electric bill that I have to pay.  I am going to make rent for September.  It made my landlord happy since I did not pay her for July and August because I just did not have the money. Currently everything is still on but no telling how long that will last.   I have asked several people for help financially but no luck so far. It sucks being poor.

 On a positive front I have been offered a job to work for the State of Arizona. Yea!!!  This is a great job for me.  There are logistical problems like paying for a sitter to watch my children, moving to Arizona in the first place, where will we live?  I do not start my job until the middle to end of October so I am actually thinking about living in a homeless shelter for a month or two.  I have to get money in first before I can pay anything out.  I don't know what I am going to do but that is another problem what will have to wait until tomorrow.  If I think about everything now then I will just get scared about this fantastic opportunity. 

I may be going to Arizona in the beginning of October because I need to get down there a bit early to scout things out and see what aid I can get for the children and myself.  For the first month or two we will be down there we will be DIRT poor.  Once I get going in my job and get a paycheck coming in then most things should straighten themselves out.  If anyone knows about disability services and such in Arizona please let me know!

In the meantime I will try to enjoy my bon bons because I have a lot to celebrate.  My birthday is coming up soon, right after the Labor Day weekend, so I am hoping to have a good time in Las Vegas before I have to leave my beloved city.  I am hoping I will learn to love Arizona as much as I have loved Vegas.