Countdown to Homelessness: 10 days

I have been writing this blog and detailing my experiences.  I have a badge on the right of the screen where I have been trying to raise money to keep the children and I from being homeless but so far I have only been able to raise $55.00.  Thank you to those that have contributed!  I had over 3,800 page views in the last month.  If everyone had contributed just $10 I am sure I would have reached my fundraising goal by now or close to it.  Please contribute if you can!

I was recently reading a post from a Facebook friend about how she has felt "let down" by her friends.  That she had been sick and in the hospital for all most two weeks and during that time only one friend called to check on her.  That was it.  When I read her post I was sad but I understood her feelings.

Here I am, a well educated woman, with three disabled children and I am about to find myself homeless.  I am fortunate in that my homeless situation should not last forever because I have been offered a job but that does not make the experience any less frightening or anxious.  Today I have been feeling so anxious that I feel nauseous. 

I have a few friends in town that know the situation I am in and none of them have offered to help (they are older though so I am not sure how much they could physically do).  The part that bothers me most though is hearing them say, "Don't worry Michelle.  You are a good person and things will turn out okay."  I am sorry but I missed where that happens in real life.  If anything I commonly see good people suffer all sorts of horrible things.  I think that is why I like talking to my friend Krissi lately.  She knows where I am.  She has been though it herself.  The only fortunate thing for her is that she never got as far as losing her house but it was close.  When I speak to her she offers me no false hope.  It is refreshingly nice.  

When I spoke to my mother tonight I was told God will help to make it happen and don't give up because somehow the money will appear.  Really?  So far the answer is, "No, it's not."  I have tried calling my oldest son, who is currently unemployed, to help me but his fiance is pregnant.  She will not let him leave her to come and help me.  Another possibility is my uncle.  He is an alcoholic and drug addict but is currently on the straight and narrow.  Should I risk my children being with him?  I don't want to and I am not sure he would even come anyways.  Random strangers answering an ad?  Even scarier thought but what choice do I have?

That is me up above.  I am a woman defeated.  You see me with tears in my eyes, dirty from sweating all day packing and tired.  I don't know how to stop the train wreck that is my life at the moment.  I have to be out of my current house at the end of the month.  I am facing having my electricity shut off on Monday.  I am hoping I can convince the electric company to leave it on for a bit.  At this point I owe them $700 for two months electric and a deposit.  I am sure I will have to pay them but that will cut into the money I need to move and survive for next month.  All I have done this evening is cry.  When I got back John did not offer to do anything to help me get to the welfare office.  I am on my own.  You have NO idea what the welfare office is like here.  People never bring little children in because they will kick you out.  It is the craziest thing I have ever seen but that is what happens.  The respite provider I have been using has taken a full-time job so she cannot help me.  She gave me the names of two other women but one said she would not watch my three children alone.  She said they were too much for her.  The other lady would not answer.  

I have reached out to the local regional center and this is the email exchange...

Hi Michelle,

I am doing quarterly updates on the kids. Could you please tell me how each kid is doing in terms of health, school, and additional services (speech, physical therapy, and Occupational therapy).

Also in order to receive respite for the next quarter, I need to know the name of the provider that you have been working with and whether or not respite has been helpful.

Thanks so much for your time

This will be pretty easy. SO far the children have, overall, been healthy. We had several trips to the dentist but so far things haven been good.

I have not signed the children up for school services for this year.

The kids had been going to private therapy. Margaret had been going to occupational therapy and Joseph has been in physical therapy. A month ago Joseph started to walk. His walking is very unsteady and wide legged but he is making it.

My husband left us in July. The children and I have been trying to make it but we are going to be homeless at the end of the month. I am not sure what we are going to do so therapy has stopped for now.

Respite has pretty much been a no go. I cannot find someone to come to my house to watch the children. The lady I had been using has found a job so she can only watch the children on Saturdays. That is not when I need someone. The other numbers I have called and no one seems to answer, want to watch so many children, or in town any longer.

That should catch you up.

Thanks,
Michelle

Thank you so much for the update. I am very sorry for your current housing dilemma. I can send you a list of community resources that may be of some assistance. Quarterly respite is due and I need to know if you would like me to take the kids off the list. If you do not anticipate using the respite voucher, then I will have to take them off the regular list so that children on the waitlist can use the respite. Please let me know ASAP so I can notify the respite coordinator. Sincerely.

The list of community housing resources would be useful. Please send that information. I want to use the rest of the respite voucher for this month. So please send the most recent list of respite providers. As for next month take us off the respite list.

I have not completely decided yet but we may move to Arizona at the end of the month.

Thanks,
Michelle

I know, I know. I lied to her (only about leaving for AZ) at the end but it is only because I want to see what she would do. So far I have not heard back from her and I sent her my response yesterday. Notice she did not say she would HELP me find a place.  Our regional center is basically useless.   : (  

Not sure what I am going to do tomorrow but I guess I will start off with calling the electric company and seeing what I can do.  The countdown to homelessness has begun...

PS.  To add insult to injury today I just realized that the little outfit the nurses sent home to me that Martha wore is NOT right.  She did not wear those clothes.  I realized it today when I came across the box with the outfit in it.  When I found the picture the NICU nurses took that day of Martha I knew as soon as I saw the romper again that was NOT what she wore.  I never had her little clothes.  :' (   

Where Do I Go From Here?

So here is the second part of the post I was promising.  In this post I want to talk about family and commitment.  I had been married once before.  He is the father of my oldest children.  We could not make the marriage last.  We were both the oldest child in the family and wanted control in the marriage.  In dating again I was looking for a man who was willing to let me be in charge.  I found John.  He was the baby of his family and he seemed like he did not mind me being in charge.  I thought we were so compatible. We thought the same things at the same time and often said the same things at the same time.  When he was not with me I ached to be with him.  When he was with me my life was filled with fun and laughter. The inscription inside his wedding ring says, "You are my life, my love, my soulmate."  I meant every word it when we got married.  

We had problems in our marriage.  Don't get me wrong.  I found several instance where John had lied to me about things and I got very upset.  In the end I forgave him and we moved on.  As I said I thought things were good in our marriage (for the most part) for the first seven years.  I often felt so close to John that I could not stand to be away from him. After the birth of the babies all of that changed.

John used to tell me he loved me and would never leave.  I did not want to leave either.  I had made a commitment to be married and spend the rest of my life together with him and that was my plan.  After the children were born we fought a lot.  The stress of taking care of the children coupled with never having any money was taking a HUGE toll on us and the teen children.  The teen children left.  How could I blame them?  I wanted to leave and so did John...lol.  We did not have that choice though.

We tried to stay together but things only worsened.  When we moved back to Vegas John began work with the school district he met a woman we will call Monica.  She is married and has 7 children.  The two of them quickly became friends.  John was out all the time and I was left home with the children.  I would ask him about his day and all I would hear about is Monica.  Monica this...Monica that...She is great...She has the best ideas.  What I saw was me losing my best friend to some woman named Monica.  I tried to say something but I was told there was nothing going on between them. That might have been true physically but she has essentially become the emotional wife and I was the wife who kept the children and cleaned the house.    

As much as it hurt me to lose my best friend.  The person who made me smile and laugh (crying now just thinking about it) I was willing to stay married and live in the same house together.  John did his best to make my life miserable.  He told me later that he was trying to make me leave.  I had been asking for both of us to go to marriage counseling but John said I would need to change first before he would consider that.  I said I did not understand.  The point of marriage counseling, I thought, was to try and work on things together so we can bring ourselves back together and then make changes together. 

As much as I have threatened to leave and even go as far as filing for divorce I did not want to leave.  I wanted John to change.  I wanted him to be happy again.  To be the fun person I remembered.  For us to be close again.  He changed all right.  He changed into a person who thinks he no longer needs me.  When I got married I wanted to live the rest of my life with him.  I was willing to make that happen.  The children need us!  Not just me.  Not just him. James in particular has me worried.  He is SO attached to John!  Right now John comes over a few nights a week from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.  He sees the children and then puts them to bed.  When he does not come James, being autistic and liking routine, gets REALLY upset!  He has been crying at me when I tell him that daddy is not coming tonight.  I have to comfort him as best I can.

Now that I am having to move and accept a job in Phoenix the kids will only get to see John twice a month.  Once a month John is planning to come to Phoenix and I once a month I will drive the children up to Las Vegas.  The drive is 5 to 5.5 hours each way.  That will be the ONLY time the children will get to see John.  The drive will be tough on Margaret because that is longer than she can really travel in a car per day.  It is also going to be SO tough on James.  I am going to try and get him into therapy as soon as I can.  Otherwise I worry he will not make the transition well.  James is SO dependent on routine that he waits and watches the clock everyday until three o'clock rolls around so he can call John.  He calls him all most right at three o'clock every day!  He get SO excited running around the house screaming, "I can call daddy now.  I have to call and text daddy!"

The children need us. I want to work things out and I feel as though John does not.  I am sure he would say the same about me.  We cannot even seem to talk to one another anymore.  He comes over.  I don't talk really and either does he.  He says I should be the one to initiate things.  In some ways I understand this but on my end I was to be with someone who wants me and that no longer seems to be the case. I think I have lost my soulmate.  For now I am stuck in limbo.

We are still married.  I will be moving to Phoenix with the children.  I have asked to do couples therapy with him to try and work out our issues but I am not sure how this is going to happen now.  I don't how the children and I are going to make it but we have to.  John has not volunteered to do anything to help.  He has not asked if I would like for him to take the children an extra day, pay for a storage room, help buy moving supplies, help me pack, or ANYTHING involved with the move.  I broke down and asked him to take the children for me next Saturday so I can get moving and packing done.  He asked when.  I said all day would be nice but what ever you can do.  He said he would take them from 9am to 6pm.  I was hoping he would keep them overnight but I will take what I can get. 

So far it is just me and the babies.  No friends have been able to help me pack or move.  No family.  No John.  With my hand still having a lot of pain with the carpel tunnel surgery I am in trouble.  Worse case scenario I am going to try and pack what I can and them call Goodwill to come and pick up the rest.  I have had friends tell me I am a good person and something will happen.  Someone will help.  We will be ok.  I tell them I am sure they are right but secretly, in my heart, I know bad things happen to good people all the time.  I may be no different.

Got to go and pack what I can...

As a friend on Facebook said,
Dear life,
I have only just read the terms and conditions AND the small print of our contract.
May I say, what a crafty little *!?@$^%!* you are!